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My sisters children are going to be removed

(445 Posts)
Namechange543 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:42:39

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

OP’s posts: |
Sportsnight Sat 04-Jul-20 15:44:53

What a hard situation. You must feel absolutely torn. How old are the children?

Mooey89 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:45:33

I would think they would try to keep them together if possible but depending on ages they do sometimes split siblings up if that helps achieve permanency for them and if it’s in their best interests. Sorry you are all in such a difficult situation and hope it works out for the best.

mrsed1987 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:46:32

They would try to keep them together but in reality may not have a carer who can have 3 children.

Sunnytimesahead Sat 04-Jul-20 15:46:33

Hi OP,

I’m very sorry to hear this. I really think it would cause the children further irreparable damage if they are split up like this especially if 2 stay with different family members and one is fostered it’s like picking favourites.
If there are really no other alternatives or any other family members who could care for all 3 I think foster care is the only option. But I hope that you and your Mum will still be able to see them regularly as they will need the support and love from people they know.

oscarandelliesdad Sat 04-Jul-20 15:47:42

Poor, poor children and for you, what an awful predicament . How old are the dc? I suppose there is no capacity for either you or your mum to rearrange things and fit two siblings?

MonsteraCheeseplant Sat 04-Jul-20 15:47:53

God that sounds like an impossible decision op and unfortunately one with no good solutions. How old are they and how old are yours?

Cocobean30 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:48:05

You cannot split them up, is there no way one of you could take two and they share a room? Even temporarily?

icedaisy Sat 04-Jul-20 15:48:32

Very difficult.

It depends on lots of things.

Ages, needs, development, stages, any disabilities. Availability of placements in your area. Whether it is likely to be long or short term.

Some sibling groups are much better together, in other instances that is not possible.

Try and work with social work. A solid placement with all three in one place and regular visits and mum might be best option. Often family placements can be fraught with issues as you have to manage children and your sibling, daughter in mums case.

One going into care is unlikely to be a first choice option.

Five in a four bed is not impossible depending on age and stage if shorter term.

My best friends nephew is in a long term foster placement and sees her every weekend and once a week. Ultimately that is what was best for him. She could not have managed her own plus her sister and that works much better.

Knittedfairies Sat 04-Jul-20 15:48:44

I think social services often prefer that the children are kept together. It may be better for them to be fostered with a family not connected with their mother; she could make things difficult for you. Ask the social worker if you can remain in contact with them. Try not to feel guilty; it isn't your fault.

MonsteraCheeseplant Sat 04-Jul-20 15:48:54

I'm guessing the father isn't an option?

Incrediblytired Sat 04-Jul-20 15:49:06

Oh love, I’m so sorry to hear this is happening in your family.

Yes they will ideally want them to stay together to reduce the impact of the trauma of losing their mother. However the next thing would be to keep them in the family.

3 kids is a lot to take on but it would be an incredible thing to do.

Could your children share a room so that you could take all three? And try to get some financial help? I appreciate it would seem unfair for yours to suddenly share but maybe consider it? And talk to your mum about regular help with all 5 so that you get a break?

notheragain4 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:51:21

Oh gosh no you can't keep two in the family and let one go into foster care.

PegasusReturns Sat 04-Jul-20 15:51:43

You can’t split them up shock

I’d do what you can to squeeze them in to your house. Presumably you have a spare room, could the DC not double up?

I’m afraid I can’t imagine having my DNs go into foster care on the basis that my DC would have to share a room. sad

BobbieDraper Sat 04-Jul-20 15:51:58

Are you a single parent or is it you and a partner?
Would you have support at home if you took them from a partner willing to help?

How you handle it might depend quite a bit on what support you have to be able to manage them.

Is there no way you could take 2, and they share a room and your mum take 1 for the time being. Then you can make plans going forward, but at least they're with family and able to see each other.

Is extending your house to get an extra room possible? Or a loft conversion? Would your mum be in a position to help pay for that so the kids can all live with you?

It's an unbelievable huge ask, expecting you to do something like that, but if there is the slightest possibility then I would.

Take some time to think through the options. If you managed to get all 3 into yours, would your mum agree to helping you care for them?

LIZS Sat 04-Jul-20 15:52:51

I think they will try to keep them all together unless there is an obvious reason to split. Is there hope of them being returned home or is the situation irrevocable? Separating them could be more damaging in the longer term.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 04-Jul-20 15:53:23

Can anyone else in the family take some in? While it isnt ideal, it is better for contact if all the siblings can be fostered by different members of their family rather than sent to separate foster homes.flowers

Fred578 Sat 04-Jul-20 15:54:03

It would be better to let them all go into the care system than pick two and let one go. That would be inhumane. What a sad situation for you all

missbipolar Sat 04-Jul-20 15:56:48

Please don't just pick 1 or 2, if you can't take them all then don't take any- but the ones not picked will be even further damaged by it even though that wouldn't be your intention

madwoman1ntheattic Sat 04-Jul-20 15:59:11

Keep them together. If no family member can take three, hopefully a foster family can. Are you going to be able to arrange visits?
I know a few families with 5 kids in a 4 bed. You are under no obligation to take them (this will have a long term and huge impact on your own children) but there would be space as long as all five aren’t gangly teenagers.
We took in a fourth teenager (a friend’s dd) whose mum was unable to care for her. We had to move all the kids into different bedrooms and share two up. It did have a huge impact on our family but wasn’t really ‘optional’. We supported her through therapy and a period of suicidal ideation as a result of her mum’s behaviours. This was a while back and as a result of having a stable home and time to recover, she’s now doing well and in the second year of her social work degree.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

areyoubeingserviced Sat 04-Jul-20 15:59:59

They will try to keep them together. However, taking on three children is a huge responsibility for a foster carer or for you.
I really don’t know what advice to give tbh. It’s an awful situation to be in

bluefoxmug Sat 04-Jul-20 16:00:00

splitting between your mother and you might be a possibility if you are close/next door to each other. and of course if both you and your mum would be suitable carers.

but yes, it's usually better for siblings to stay together. they are facing extreme trauma, additional separation would be very stressful for them on top of everything happening.

Heyhih3 Sat 04-Jul-20 16:00:58

Hi OP. I have no advise as I’ve never been in a situation like this. It must be awful! Do you think your sister would be willing to sort herself out and take the children back if possible?. I agree with the other poster you can’t just pick one child, your mum pick one and then the other child would feel terrible.
Are the children close in age? I hope they are kept together and manage to be placed with someone who will really look after them.

Junenamechange Sat 04-Jul-20 16:01:15

Ideally it would be good if your mum could take 2 sharing a room and you took one who would have your own for company. You could change around every month or so so they all get a share with Auntie and with Grandma. I think you get financial help with fostering as well although I have no clue how much. Good luck OP. Do tell us how it goes.

Aventurine Sat 04-Jul-20 16:02:44

In a 4 bed house is there no way 5 kids could be fitted into 3 of the bedrooms?

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