Foster child getting too much for my sister

[Jimmy54321]

Hi all, I’m just hoping for some advice. I’m going to try and keep as much detail back so it not outing.

My sister and bil have fostered a child for the last three years. Child had been bounced around foster care for a while before settling here. It was always a bit bumpy but there were plenty of good and happy times.

I moved quite far away so didn’t get much chance to see them. Foster child is now early teens. Seen them before Xmas at a family event and Dsis said they’d been having quite a few issues with behaviour at home.

I’ve just come back from visiting them and I’m really worried about her. Her and the foster child’s relationship has broken down badly ( I think past the point of no return) they are really disrespectful to her and now their friends are starting to do the same. There is lots of shouting in the house, stealing, manipulative and antagonist behaviour.

Dsis is having basically no support of the agency - in fact they have been quite rude to her whilst she has been asking for help. Her marriage is taking a nose dive because of the stress and she is tying her self up in knots trying to deal with things. She looked shattered and really down. She really doesn’t want to give up on the child, she loves them but it’s getting too stressful to the point her marriage and mental health is suffering.

They don’t have any bio kids due to fertility issues so this really is the first time they have had a child to look after but they are the nicest couple. They have really tried to give this child a stable normal home.

At what point do you say ‘I can’t do this any more?’ I can’t imagine what she must be going through and don’t know what I can say to her without me sounding awful.

Has any one had any experience of this?

[Hillocrew]

What would she do if it was her biological daughter?

[LadyFuschia]

She needs to get the child’s social worker to help her access support. Even if they might disagree, they should both want to work together to fix this. The child’s sw might help put leverage on your sister’s supervising sw.

Could she ask for an advocate for the young person to support her getting her voice heard and perhaps the general communication?

Any support she can access for herself that helps her - time to recharge...

[LadyFuschia]

Also look up therapeutic parenting - Sarah naish, Dan Hughes, Margot Sunderland etc as they have lots of insights and advice for managing children with trauma in their background.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

The foster child needs to leave. It’s sad that it didn’t work out and sad that the foster child can’t appreciate a good, safe home (assuming it is a good Safe home) but if the relationship has broken down then it needs to end

[Jimmy54321]

Lady that’s a good idea about an advocate. Although the child just saying things are ‘ok’ when pressed by school/ SW. but if there was actually a real person there specifically to get their voice heard it might help things get back on track maybe

[Jimmy54321]

I’ll look that up Lady thanks

Grumpy that’s easier said than done

[thefemalelemur]

@Hillocrew how is that relevant? Fostering isn't the same as having a biological child.

[Troels]

She needs to tell the agency in no uncertain terms, that they either help her now with this teen as her marriage is under stress from the teens attitude and the placement will breakdown. If her marriage ends from this tell them there with be no hope of ever placing another child.

[LadyFuschia]

FYI, children who have experienced abuse, neglect and trauma are not generally supposed to feel ‘grateful’ for being ‘rescued’ - that is a horribly simplistic way to view it.

However, foster carers are allowed to set boundaries and end placements, but they should be trying to work through difficulties and should be supported to do so.

[Supersimkin2]

Has the FC been in contact with the birth family?

[Supersimkin2]

A wrecked marriage won't fix FC.

Dsis and DH are foster parents, not 24/7 psych carers. Which could be what the FC needs.

There are specially trained foster carers who might take FC on, although obviously it's not a job for which you get many applicants.

No one outside the SW will know the history of FC and won't be able to judge what the parents have taken on long term.

But everyone can judge whether or not the current home is the right envt for the FC. It isn't.

If FC is too damaging to others, that's a more than ok reason to end the placement. Plenty of placements do end like this, very sadly. But it would be even sadder if a divorce was added to the misery.

[Camopetals]

If she's not being taken seriously by her own supervising social worker then she needs to speak to the child's social worker or the IRO.

[picklemewalnuts]

I had to end a placement we had thought/intended permanent. It nearly killed me.

The decision happened when I almost hit back. A moment comes when you realise you are no longer able to be the therapeutic parent the children need.

I was gutted to let them go, but I was not parenting them the way they needed anymore.

Thank you for looking out for your sister and BiL.

[Jimmy54321]

The do see their birth parents sporadically but it’s a bit fucked up tbh. Lots of issues there too. I don’t know why the child is allowed to go see them as they still damage them mentally. The DSis has to deal with the fall out when they have not turned up or the child is upset by something that has been said etc..

I agree they are not phycologists and think she is out of her depths now which isn’t good for any of them.

[Jimmy54321]

pickle thank you for your post. I cant imagine what you felt like and it must have been incredibly hard.

My Dsis is starting to retaliate back when the child is constantly antagonising her.

[Jimmy54321]

Not as In hitting back but arguing.

[picklemewalnuts]

I thought it may help you if I described what prompted my decision. You could ask her questions like 'how would you know if it was time?' Or 'what would it take for you to decide to end the placement, what would it take for you to be confident you should carry on?'

It's a terrible, terrible time. I'd love to reassure you that this is the last burst of fury before the DC accepts they are loved and settles in. But I can't.

[Cassimin]

Foster carer here.
Easier said than done to just end a placement. We all know that fostering is different to having your own child.
Our fc is very much part of our family. I have 3 birth children and I can say hand on heart I love our fc as much as I love them. To loose the child would break my heart and the whole family dynamics would change.
I know exactly where your sister is coming from as we have the same issues where.
Tell her to go to her doctor. I know of carers who have been diagnosed with trauma because of all of the crap that they have thrown at them.
She also needs to demand help from both her and the child’s Sw.
She needs to send emails so she has a paper trail. Then when she has her review she needs to take copies with her.
She can try and get support herself for the child through children’s services to try and help with the child’s anger.
Also support from other carers is great ( try and meet up without Sw so she can talk feeely and feel comfortable)
Tell Sw she needs respite, she needs to recharge her batteries and reassess her life.
Good luck to her, tell her she’s doing and has done a great job.

[Jimmy54321]

Thanks Pickle and Cassim I’ll speak to her about what you’ve both suggested