Feeling stuck...

[jessicaj7]

Hi,
We (my husband and I) are currently caring for our nephew who is a few months old, he has been in our care for 2 months now and
Over the last couple of weeks we have noticed changes in our own childrens behaviour. They are both primary school age (don't want to share too much detail on here) and have both said independently within the last week that they don't want their cousin living with us anymore as they miss it being just the 4 of us and they feel left out. We have been spending time with them on one-to-one or one-to-two basis without their cousin around at the weekends but ultimately the situation has significantly changed all of our lives. One of them has also started to worry about whether they could be taken from us one day.
I feel really naive to have taken this responsibility on but I now don't know what to do! My instinct is to raise with the local authority and my fostering supervisor that we think this is having too much impact on our children... but worry about the response from his birth parents if it then turns out he can no longer be in our care. I feel it will break down the wider family relationships... but we have to look after the wellbeing of our close family and particularly our own children.
There have been requests for increasing contact (which is at our home) and I feel very uncomfortable saying no to some of these but feel that something will need to change (I dont know what) regarding contact to not cause any more disturbance for our children.
Everyone (even from conversations I have had with social workers it is the impression I get) is confident our nephew will return to his birth parents, its just a matter of the court proceedings running their course.
There are other concerns I have related to the timeframes and my eventual return to work and also the financial impact on the wider family who are supporting the situation so that it can continue. But mostly my concern is for our children.

I don't really know what I am asking for with this post... I guess just some advice as I like whatever I do I will be hurting someone and impacting their lives in a big way... I feel stuck and isolated and I know that is not good for anybody either...

[Isadora2007]

It sounds really hard and having a new baby is always hard so I can only imagine the turmoil when the baby isn’t yours and wasn’t planned etc.
Can you reassure your children that how they feel is totally normal? That even if it was your baby they’d feel like this and more? Do you know what would happen long term if the court wasn’t in favour of returning the baby to their birth parents- eg are you willing to take him/her on permanently?
Lots to consider and maybe chatting to someone in the local authority could help you with your own feelings about it all?

[f0stercarer]

Fostering is hard enough when you choose to do it so having it thrust upon you due to family circumstances must be extremely difficult particularly with the demands of a young baby.

The issue is not about your children but your own feeling of isolation/entrapment and that is entirely fine and understandable.

The first thing I think you should do is establish timescales for when a decision is going to be made as to whether the baby will go back to parents. This decision is usually made within 6 months. Having a timescale can only help.

With regard to contact ask that some of it take place at a contact centre if it has to be supervised contact. This will give you a break too.

Stepping in for your niece and their parents is a wonderful thing for you to have done but it shouldnt oblige you to give an open ended commitment and certainly doesnt oblige you to make a commitment for years to come.

As said above meet with the social worker and be frank about your concerns. Their nightmare scenario is that you hand the baby back to them so they will do what they can to assist I am sure.

Good luck going forward.

[jessicaj7]

Isadora2007 - thank you for your message on here. The situation improved for a week or so regarding the children but as parents contact has increased now the children are seeing them more and starting to ask more questions and seeming a bit more unsettled over the last couple of days. We are open for them to talk to us at any time and ask them age appropriate questions in relation to the situation, we will continue to do this.
The timeframe has been extended by a further 4 months minimum, and I have been told by social services to expect that this will go on until next year!!
Regarding the long term, we are being assessed as Family & Friends Foster Carers or Special Guardians. But I am not sure this is something we would be able to take on permanently.
We are very much feeling between a rock and a hard place at the moment... we have our own children to think about but at the same time if it turns out that we can no longer care for our nephew I feel that this would be very selfish of us as it would mean him being cared for by a foster carer, and we would be letting him down. But equally we could be letting our own children down if we are to carry on caring for him. They are our priority ultimately.
I have another meeting with our fostering social worker coming up and one of her main questions is regarding whether the situation is sustainable for us as a family, so will speak with her and go from there.

Thank you again for your reply :)

[jessicaj7]

f0stercarer - thank you for your reply, its been very helpful for me.

"The issue is not about your children but your own feeling of isolation/entrapment and that is entirely fine and understandable."
Yes I am feeling trapped and feel guilty about wanting to change the current arrangements (eg, some contact not being in our home, changing contact over the summer holidays and things like that). I worry that this is selfish and worry about the parents and wider family reaction to this, but we really need to ensure our family life is not completely taken over by all of this.

The decision is now not going to be for at least another 4 months, potentially up to March from a chat I have had with social services. It was initially looking like August at the very latest that a decision would be made, so this is a big change in timescale.

"Stepping in for your niece and their parents is a wonderful thing for you to have done but it shouldnt oblige you to give an open ended commitment and certainly doesnt oblige you to make a commitment for years to come."
Thank you very much for this comment, I will keep it in mind as it helps to remind myself of this!

We are meeting with social workers in the next few days so will have discussions and decide on a way forward.

Its all so heartbreaking that there is a little one whose life is being impacted by all of this and we could be affecting it negatively if we are no longer able to care for him! And wider family relationships are likely to be impacted forever...

[Danascully2]

Oh gosh that sounds really tough. No real advice as I haven't been in a similar situation but I know a couple of primary age children who have been very disrupted when a new sibling arrived in completely unremarkable family situations so I think it would be weird if your kids hadn't reacted in some way to a baby arriving in the family, let alone in these circumstances. It must be an awful position to be in but as you say you have to consider your own children too. Although there are many threads on here from people who have recently had second/third children who are finding it really hard and worrying about the impact on their older children. I wish you all the best.

[Danascully2]

Ps in the short term, if you can think of a concrete thing that would help to support you then maybe that might help? You already mentioned contact but maybe there are other things people could do to help. Eg someone to come and help with the baby for an hour after school so you can focus on your children?

[6OfUsAndCounting]

Hi jessicaj7, hope you don't mind if I ask how you're getting on?