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[daisychain25]

Apologises if I have posted in the wrong category, first time posting here.
Just looking for some advice really. My 3 younger step-siblings are foster care with the youngest being approved for adoption and eldest two long-term. I have had no contact with SS regarding them have only hear about them through our Father forwarding me the emails recieved. Both me and my father agree foster care gives them the best chance of recieving the care they need as their mother unfortunately can't prioritise them over alcohol (and currently drugs) and refuses any help. After their relationship broke down their mother decided to move nearly 300 miles away with the children, my father called social services concerned straightaway as all 3 children have high care needs (autism, severe learning disabilities, FASD and behavioural problems) and being in just their mother's care was a disaster waiting to happen.
SS were monitoring closely and then their mother was evicted because of drinking and violence, no suitable long term family placements in their area were found and father wouldn't collect the children because of their care needs and believed working fulltime along with no support offered he would of failed them. I think he wanted them in foster care rather than their mother's relatives as they already had children on a care plan although father would transfer monies over to them constantly he would worry every second of the day.

Last time we saw them was during a video call early last year before a foster care placement was found. Father recieved lots of letters to attend meetings 300miles away but due to money problems, caring for me (I'm disabled) and working he couldn't attend them. When he asked for a contact number to speak to his children they agreed and shared updates about the children but a number was never sorted and the updates stopped when the new SS was allocated. The SS office moved and it was difficult getting an address for letterbox contact. SS never answered the phone and took 8+ weeks to reply to simple emails.

Over Christmas we sent up money cards and updates they were recieved by the children were given in February.

A helpful, new social worker was allocated recently and emailed father to sort suitable contact. We have arranged to go up this year after all this time and I'm very excited. But I feel extremely guilty as my observations were the cause that my father and their mother split and therefore the children are now in foster care. As I was the one who pointed out to my father that their mother was daytime drinking, all the children were so underdeveloped (eldest is in year 8 in school but working at a year 2 child level) and neglected during the day (their mother was passed out drunk or extremely unsteady if conscious) while father was at work and it was the reasons they split even though father says they had split years ago but got stuck in a rut. Father was exhausted working full time, shopping, cleaning, attending medical appointments for all 4 of us and speech therapy for the youngest. He tried his best for a good part of their childhood and he would rather them be with excellent foster placements (which they are all in) than anyone else

Father and me have only have letterbox contact previously which the children really enjoyed reading.

The contact will be supervised and I'm sorting out a few bits for them. Although gifts aren't the most important thing I want them to take something home. I have purchased 2 engraved trophies and medals for the eldest two for how brave they have been and medal and handmade hair bows for the little one - would this be appropriate for contact? I dont want to give them sweets and they would be hyper for their foster carers back home and I dont want to give them nothing if that makes sense as they deserve something for how amazing they've all been. I'm also create a scrapbook each filled with photos. All their birthdays are a couple of months after contact and I can't see them before then again could I give them a present during visit or would this count as an extra contact when they open their present on their birthday?

I just want the children to know that our father or me havent abandoned them and we talk about them everyday.

Second question is Christmas related (sorry if it's too early for you) I'm always super prepared for Christmas. We will have 2 more planned contact visits before Christmas and this year i would like to get the kids presents as well as money - is this ok generally for birth family to give presents for Christmas?
Do foster carers prefer small amounts of gifts or decent amounts? Youngest is in a placement with lots of other children and I dont want the other children to get upset or jealous over her gifts but I dont know whether I'm overthinking that. The eldest two are in a placement by themselves so this wouldn't be an issue.
Also is it appropriate in SS eye's to buy a gift for my sibling's foster carers?

I'm unsure as last Christmas the children received money this went down great with the eldest two but it was criticised for the youngest as she doesn't have any understanding of money - this was letterbox contact then so our options were limited and we had no idea what the children's interests were.

Any advice for first visit would be appreciated. I've never had a relatives in the care system before and I'm unsure how it all works exactly. Thank you

[FlissMumsnet]

Hi daisychain25,

We're not experts in this area by a long stretch but thought we'd just drop in to bump this thread for you.

If you're concerned about what gifts are suitable perhaps check with the social worker as they'll be able to give you advice we're sure.

[Cassimin]

Long term foster carer here.
What you are doing sounds lovely.
Things that they can keep in their memory box are lovely to have.
We often look through ours, we keep all Christmas and birthday cards. I also take photos at contact and put them in frames in their bedroom and in their box.
It’s very important to foster children to know that their family love them but for whatever reason they could not look after them. They will find out the reasons as they get older and will hopefully understand.
Christmas presents, whatever you can afford and a lovely card with a few lines about how much you love them and how proud you are that they are doing so well.
Just don’t make any promises to them that you can’t keep.
Our fc gets promises of presents and cash and they never get them. It’s heartbreaking.
As for fc present, they will just be thankful you turned up and the contact was a positive experience for everyone. A card would be nice too.
Hope everything goes well, you seem like you are going to be a positive influence in their life, just make sure that you are always there when you say you will be and you won’t go wrong.

[daisychain25]

@Cassimin thank you so much for your advice it has helped me a lot! I'm very excited to continue our sibling relationship and for the them to see their Dad again. I think it will be great for the little ones to see positive relatives at contact as I understand their mother has been struggling with presentation and engagement.
With supervised SW contact in a contact centre are foster carers usually present too? I'd love to meet my siblings carers as they are doing a wonderful job and from all the reports I read the children are doing really well too

Thank you again for your reply

[Cassimin]

Our foster child had supervised contact at a contact centre with a social worker in with them. It was for an hour. I dropped him off and picked him up and saw parents at this time.
After a few months SS made a bit of a mess over contact, forgetting to book room, having no staff to sit in.
Ultimately it was agreed that I could do supervision. This is better for them and child.
I now go to meet parents near their home, we spend the day together as a group.
We go to museums, fairs, parks, swimming.
Every Christmas and birthday we spend time together, going for a meal, play area etc.
Much better for our child.