DH panicking

[Giraffe211]

DH & I are both being made redundant within months of one another near the end of this year, and since we have no mortgage etc. we intended to each find something near to home, undemanding, low paid but enough to live off (I'm 50, he's 57). I've always wanted to foster, and now feels like the perfect time - we have a spare room, I could do it FT, and I'm quite excited at the prospect. DH is also keen, although he prefers to find something outside the home for himself he would also like to be involved. We have had our first meeting with the agency, and I'm meeting with them again next week to progress the application. However, DH has started having nightmares (yes, ACTUAL nightmares) that he loses his temper and shouts at the FC who is traumatised and then runs away. He is starting to really panic that he is too loud (he is boisterous, bless him) and that he'll cause the child more problems. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, and we have one (17 yo) together and they all love him and have suffered no trauma or damage so I don't know where he is getting this from. He can be a bit rough around the edges but he's full of fun and all our little nieces and nephews adore him because he's always playing and singing and generally being daft with them. I don't want to give up on my dream, but neither do I want to put him under pressure - nightmares for goodness sake! He says he is worried he will never be able to relax and be himself once there is a FC in the home.
Can any experienced foster parents offer any reassurance or advice? Should I just give up?

[sparklymarion]

I'd be worried he was having nightmares and I hope I can help here but feel
I should be honest. I have been a foster carer for five years and in one way it can be easier than birth children as with our birth children we created the problem i.e. If there spoilt that's partly because we have spoilt them. So we can stand back be a bit more objective and look and think of solutions.

We are also given parent training and training on dealing with traumatised/challenging young children/teenagers

a foster child has been traumatised just by moving to your home, this can also be trauma from home life or from previous placements, and you can at times be pushed to your limits and also feel like you live in a fish bowl as social workers arrive and foster children have voices.

What age are you and your husband thinking or looking at, you may be better looking at a younger age range or thinking of starting to do respite initially so you can see how you feel ?

We as foster carers still parent children and challenge behaviours but find through experience to learn to pick our battles and also
Learn the best way to challenge the individual children who come to live with us.


I have been a foster carer for six years
Have had a lot of challenges, tears (me), days when I wonder what I have done, in saying that I live my job makes me smile and it is a privilege to be part of the teenagers babies and young children whom have part of our journey.

[Giraffe211]

Thanks Sparklymarion, that is incredibly helpful. We were hoping for primary age but will take whoever needs us. Im hoping the training will help distill his fears and either put them at test or make it clear we need to walk away.

Your advice is just what I needed, and you comment about living in a goldfish bowl reflects one of his worries. We need to discuss this more.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, you have been a great help x