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Giving up or carry on?

(15 Posts)
wowbutter Sun 21-May-17 08:17:43

DH and I are finally moving into a home threat is big enough for a potential foster child to have their own room and bathroom.
We ave children of our own, and young enough to potentially have more, but I have had exceptionally hard, life threatening pregnancies and liveries so I don't want to do that again. But i want more children, I want to love them no care for them and wash their clothes and teach them things.
The plan as always to foster, possibly short breaks, emergency or temporary care. I wanted to do some specialist care in the fullness of time as well, once the kids have moved out.
But, guess what?
DH has now backed out. He's saying the whole thing makes him anxious and unhappy. But he's always said yes when we discussed before. He doesn't want dangerous children in our house outing us at risk, he won't listen when we discuss. He's got this idea stuck in his head and won't change it.
DH does have some slight autistic tendencies to have very black and white fixed thinking, and it's clear this ha happened with this.
I'm feeling really lied to and upset. I want to give back, to provide a safe home for some children. It's going to sound weird, but, I feel like this is what I need to do. I'm quite religious and it feels like this is where god needs me to be.
Why am I posting this? Oh, who knows, because I can't communicate these feelings to DH? He is as entitled as me to feel strongly, and I have to get over it I guess. But all I want to do is shake him and call him selfish and childish and a real pain in the bum.

wowbutter Sun 21-May-17 08:18:52

My main question, which I forgot in my post, was do I just shelve this idea? Or do I carry in and tell him he needs to go? Not as in get divorced, but, live elsewhere while I do it? Or just tell him to suck it up and do it anyway?

AdalindSchade Sun 21-May-17 08:23:42

You can't foster with a husband who doesn't want to. You won't get approved for one thing! The assessment will go into motivation to foster and your husband's feelings will quickly be seen by the social worker.
I'm sorry, maybe he needs to come to a fostering open evening to have an informal chat with social workers and other foster carers? Most children in care are not dangerous in the least, although they will all be challenging in different ways.

user76895432 Sun 21-May-17 08:41:22

I understand that you feel that this is your calling. But it's clearly not his. It's not selfish to not want to foster- you have to be a particular kind of person and he telling you clearly that it's not for him. Fostering is very rewarding but it can also be extremely challenging - he's right about that. You may be asked to care for children from chaotic backgrounds with complex needs. And, pertinently, there is absolutely no way that SS would approve you as caters if he wasn't on board. Have you researched this at all? The fact that you think that you can tell him to 'suck it up' and plough on regardless of his wishes suggests not.

And you would really break up your existing family and put your children through all kinds of upheaval so you can foster? Really? That really doesn't sit right with me at all. And you think you can ask your husband to leave so you can do it, without breaking up the two of you? Wow.

Sorry OP. I get you have this calling and all that but that doesn't mean you get to ride roughshod over everyone else.

user76895432 Sun 21-May-17 08:42:16

*caters? Carers FFS.

Badliar Sun 21-May-17 08:46:25

I think if you split up with your husband over your desire to foster, this would come up as a concern in the assessments. Your support network is important and there would be a big impact on your own family if you split up which would be taken into consideration.

I think it's a good idea for you both to find out more. I did that and a social worker visited our home and exh and I decided it wasn't for us.

Lightship Sun 21-May-17 08:48:10

Echoing a pp to say have you researched this at all? You won't be approved with a reluctant husband, and tbh, I'm not sure 'God is asking me to do it' would cut the mustard either as a motivation. What do your children think? If they aren't keen, whivch would be perfectly understandable as it will considerably change their lives, are you going to tell them to 'suck it up' or leave, too? hmm

wowbutter Sun 21-May-17 15:11:15

I get it, I'm being unreasonable for wanting this.

But was he not unreasonable for lying this whole time? Every conversation, every time I've mentioned it he and greed. Suddenly we have the time and space, and it's a big fat fucking no? And I'm meant to just deal with this?
My motivation is because I have years of experience, I have supportive children and extended family, the only one not on board is him. So he gets to win?! I know I can do this, and I know our family is a great place to offer space for children.
He is being ignorant and offensive saying all these children are damaged and violent and I am putting our children at risk!
I honestly am feeling sick at his selfishness. We, or more accurately, I have worked so damn hard to birth no raise children, work in a professional career with these children and this wa s always part of our plan.
I'm just feeling hurt and I want to stamp my feet and tell him that we are sticking with the plan of god knows how many years. But of course I can't, can I? I have to be a grown up, I have to put his feelings first, and do what is best.
It just hurts, that's all. I didn't and am not articulating that well. I'm coming across as a mental person, instead of a semi sane person who is just really hurt and feeling let down.

AdalindSchade Sun 21-May-17 17:16:57

You're not wrong! It's ok to want something but when it comes to fostering children both partners have to be 100% on board otherwise it's simply not ok for the children.
I'm sorry, it does sound like he has moved the goalposts.

RandomMess Sun 21-May-17 17:24:58

flowers

Do you feel he would be agreeable to fostering babies & toddlers or offering respite care to younger disabled children?

YANBU to feel devastated that it appears you have been strung along by your DH?

I do wonder if there is a compromise that he would be on board with?

Lightship Sun 21-May-17 18:00:09

Maybe he's been doing some research since you moved to a bigger place, and realises it isn't something he feels able for? It's understandable that you're disappointed, if it's something you've set your heart on, but he really isn't 'unreasonable' for changing his mind. It would be something that had a daily impact on the entire family, not just a new job you were taking on yourself. And he's not wrong to imagine that many of the children potentially living in your house would be liable to have complex additional needs. He doesn't need to be 'autistic' or to have 'black and white thinking' to realise the potential impact of that on you and your birth children. It's not at all an unreasonable concern to have, and it certainly isn't 'selfish' to decide that fostering isn't for you.

I'm puzzled and rather repelled by your language about this, I must say, all the foot stamping and hissing about him 'winning'.

Garnethair Sun 21-May-17 23:14:27

You have to have the whole family behind you when you go into fostering. If your husband has changed his mind then that's quite understandable.

The thought of helping children is lovely, but in my experience all of the children I've fostered over the years have had a lot of issues and yes although damaged isn't a word I would use, I could understand how someone could think that way. They are also not grateful to live with their carers (ok, one has been), and can just want to get away from you and back to their birth families. It's the toughest thing I've ever done, and it needed a team, a firm team of me and DH to,see it through.

Hello2503 Mon 22-May-17 14:00:22

I understand that this is very frustrating for you but try not to think about it as him "winning" unfortunately, as a family, you cant foster (as you would want to do) and not foster (as he would want to do) at the same time, one of you will have to "give in" and to echo what has been previously said, Social services will not approve your husband going into this with that mindset anyway. At times fostering can be incredibly difficult and I dread to think about the damage it could do for everyone involved if he feels like you have forced that onto him in his own home

Howdidthathappen1 Fri 26-May-17 18:07:06

How about shared care. You provide respite for a child with disabilities for their family. Generally one weekend a month per child but can vary.
Rewarding and nice work and hubby then has a say in the matching of the children you can offer care to

Fostercare Thu 06-Jul-17 01:25:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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