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Gay couple, partner has two kids with ex, looking to foster.

(12 Posts)
danyul89 Wed 25-Jan-17 23:14:11

My partner has two biological children with his ex girlfriend, we live down south and they are 200 miles up north, we have been together 8 years and the children are 10 & 11, so i've know then since they where 2 & 3 and we have a really good relationship with them and travel 200 miles every two weeks to see them, their mother is amicable with us and invites us in for coffee etc.

We are looking into fostering and are wondering what affect this will have on his kids, they don't live with us and only come down to us twice a year, I don't want to cause them any stress or concern or want them to think we are fostering to replace them as that is not the case, we would like to foster kids either their age or younger so hopefully they'd get along.

Has anyone got experience of having kids that live so far away and how does the SW involve his children if they are so far away?

Cassimin Thu 26-Jan-17 08:15:05

In our case all children an significant ex's were interviewed.
Our SW had lots of conversations with our birth children in private to ensure they were happy and aware of all that could happen.
Not sure as how they would go about doing this if your children are so far away but would imagine they would insist on it happening.
Maybe they could come round when the children visit.
They could contact ex on the phone or Skype!

EnglishIrishRose Fri 27-Jan-17 12:34:46

I agree, they should want to speak to the ex and to the kids to make sure that there are no issues, and as you've already noted birth childrens' views are important.

I think age-appropriate communication is probably the key, if they don't live with you there wouldn't be the same impact as if they did, but to talk about it with them is very important so you can understand their views and concerns. The SW will want to make sure they feel OK about it too.

Good luck!

danyul89 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:24:46

Great, thanks for both replies, we are going to discuss with the kids when we go up north to see them in two weeks and see what they think of the idea, Hopefully they will see it as a positive!

EnglishIrishRose Mon 30-Jan-17 16:23:58

Well good luck smile we're a lesbian couple who foster, ask when you apply if they have any other LGBT carers as we feel quite lonely in our agency sometimes! Had a warm welcome though and no issues.

picklemepopcorn Mon 30-Jan-17 16:26:55

You need to reassure everyone how you plan to manage fostered and birth children. Will you need respite/support care when you go up to visit, or will you take them with you? What about when birth children visit you? How will you manage sleeping arrangements, bedrooms?

picklemepopcorn Mon 30-Jan-17 16:27:14

Should have said, good luck, hope you enjoy it.

danyul89 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:39:30

Thanks Englishirishrose. The lady from the agency who came out at the weekend was lesbian, she said they have a few gay & lesbian couples so thats good to know. Picklemepopcorn, We are quite flexible, we would like to take the foster child with us to visit the kids and other family but if they didn't want to for what ever reason, I would stay here as I would be the main carer. We where thinking that we would get two fold up beds for the living room if my partners kids came down to visit, its not ideal but we will figure something out, but ideally rather than having them come and stay here we would book a holiday in a larger property with enough bedrooms for everyone. I wouldn't like to put the foster child in respite just because we have to up north for the weekend so hopefully they wouldn't mind coming.

When we visit my partners kids, we spend the Saturday with them and then take them back to their mums around 9pm. Then we stay at my partners mums, then visit my family on the Sunday.

notarehearsal Mon 30-Jan-17 16:41:38

I do wish you every success. However 'we would like to foster kids either their age or younger so hopefully they'd get along.'........please do not assume the children will get along or even tolerate each other!
I'd agree with picklemepopcorn that an, I assume, weekend visit to your partner's children every two weeks some 200 miles away will need careful handling and organisation. What will the fostered children do during this time? These children will most likely be local children with local friends and hopefully activities at the weekends. As a previous foster carer for about a million years I'd have been highly surprised if any of my fostered childrens SW's would have been in agreement with an arrangement meaning the fostered children would need to travel for hours every second weekend in order for their foster carers to visit other children. Please don't think me harsh and I honestly wish you every success. However the reality in fostering is that the fostered childrens needs are always put before the carers and their children needs.

danyul89 Mon 30-Jan-17 17:21:42

Hi notarehearsal, thanks for your reply, Its good to see different peoples views on this so your response is really useful as we need to know if this is for us and if we would even be suitable as foster carers. Every two weeks is a lot even for us to do it is tiring, We have been thinking about changing it to monthly instead of every two weeks, I would be flexible enough to fit around the child so if they didn't want to go up even once a month I would fit around their needs. Usually when we see my partners children we do different things, last weekend we just went to a shopping centre for the day and visited family, usually we will go into town and find something that is on for kids to do. Aquarium, museum, etc.

Peter1161 Wed 08-Feb-17 20:04:02

Hello Dany, From my experience birth children and foster children get on very well , in your case they won't be living together so will probably look forward to seeing each other. Over time they may become friends for life and have a very special bond as will you. Wish you well and good luck.

danyul89 Wed 08-Feb-17 20:37:26

Hi Peter1161, Thanks for your reply, we have sent the application form off for agency and have been invited to do the skills for foster course, My partners kids are coming down this weekend so we are going to explain to them what we are looking into doing.

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