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Still grieving

(4 Posts)
picklemepopcorn Sun 08-Jan-17 11:03:30

I have to be honest, I have a terminally ill family member which is causing my grief bucket to overflow anyway, but I can't let go of an old placement either. Any advice?

I had the children a long time but became unwell and unable to cope. I asked for them to be moved, and was assured that I could still be involved with them and maintain long term contact. In the event, contact almost immediately dropped to twice a year, along with a load of unpleasantness. The children are pleased to see me when we meet, and I think when they are older will get back in proper touch.

But I miss them. Desperately. Every Christmas. Every day. Usually I cope and just get on with it. I believe they know that if they want a relationship when they are older, I will be here. At the moment though, with the other pressures I am under, it all feels overwhelming. Too much grief and loss. A friend told me this morning that she bumped into their support carer who told her they are well. I felt so angry that she still gets lots of time with them and I don't.

I just needed to tell someone really, I think. There isn't anything anyone can do.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Sun 08-Jan-17 11:20:09

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. The sense of loss when they move an be so hard - my parents fostered when I was growing up and I still think of the children I lived with now, 10 years on. I miss them and wonder what their lives are like. Sometimes I have a little cry too!

The way I try and get through it is by imagining how wonderful their lives are now - our kids were mostly either adopted or went to extended family, so I try to think about how loved they are and how they had a whole new fresh start. How the effort and love we put in to helping them attach safely, and learn and grow, is helping them to build an new life.

I know your situation is different but it sounds like you've done so much for them - all you could, which is all anyone can ask. flowers

Have you spoken to your SW or agency? They can sometimes recommend counselling or therapy that can help you come to terms with the loss you're feeling. Your grief is a sign of your deep love and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

picklemepopcorn Sun 08-Jan-17 11:41:47

We resigned due to how a situation was handled. My usually SW was on maternity leave, and her replacement cack handed. I went to management about it and was further fobbed off. I was an experienced carer with experience supporting other carers through allegations. I wasn't unrealistic or unreasonable. They took the easy way out and scapegoated us rather than address their own behaviour.

Anyway, all that interfered with the grieving, I think. The babies we moved on to adoption are thriving and I see them on FB. It's a joy.

Thank you.

elfish Sun 08-Jan-17 22:44:06

I hear you, its so hard, we are in a similar situation although we are still fostering.

I would second some counselling, go to your g.p. and ask to be referred.

Another thing you can do is make a life story book for yourself, a book about the children and their time with you, a book you can keep and look at when needed. The process of making it may be cathartic and help get your thoughts in order and help you through the grief.

I wish you all the very best

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