ungrateful foster child

[elfish]

my foster daughter (15) who has been with us for 8 years now has just been on the phone to her friend and I overheard her moaning about me and the gifts she has received.
She has had about £700 worth of stuff, way more than I budgeted as she changed her mind last thing after most stuff was bought and wanted a laptop.
So along with other stuff she has had a really good fancy laptop.
But it is not good enough.
Oh and trip to cinema 3D film, and two visits to two different panto's in the next week.
I feel like giving up

[Molly333]

I understand how you feel but rather than holding onto this maybe tell her what you heard and how it's made you feel , then my advice would be to walk away and let her reflect

[OurMiracle1106]

Maybe it's time she got a part time job or paper round and funded her own cinema etc which would help teach her the value of money

My mum did from a young age. It's also made me able to budget

[Serin]

Blimey, ours get about £300 per child and are very grateful!

Do you think you are spoiling her?

How much are you told to budget for Xmas? Our local authority gives around £300 per child.

When DH and I did our foster carer training we decided to apply this to our own DC's!

[Wishforsnow]

I don't think this is specific to a 15 year old being a foster child. Some children this age are ungrateful. Hopefully you can support her to try not to be so commercially driven

[reallyanotherone]

Could it be a peer thing? Saying what she thinks her friend wants to hear, or empathising is she thinks friend wasn't happy?

[titchy]

Meh. She moaned about her parent in a private conversation with a friend.

You've moaned about her and said you feel like giving up on an Internet forum.

Same thing isn't it? And neither of you actually mean what you say. She's just doing what selfish 15 yos do, and you're just doing what exasperated parents do.

[sooperdooper]

Maybe she actually got loads more than her friend so moaned to play it down, who knows it was a private conversation you weren't supposed to hear - was she grateful when she opened the gifts? Has she said thank you to your face?

[Fartleks]

It's about time she stated a paper round or got a Saturday job. She clearly has no idea if the value of money. What she like throughout the year?

[elfish]

Thanks for the reality check, yes this is an ongoing issue with her, so I should be used to it and not take it to heart.

She only says thank you when reminded.

And our la gives us nothing for christmas, it all comes out of our weekly allowance of £165

[bexollie]

In my opinion you have spent too much on this child. Christmas is about being with people who care family and giving g and receiving . It is totally unrealistic to spend £700 on one person at christmas. When this young person has to stand on her own two feet she will have no idea at all how to manage on a regular wage or benefits if that's the case.I'm sure before she went into care she wouldn't of had that much spent on her in my opinion she is being taught the world owes her something .I would honestly speak to her and tell her you overheard and then teach her manners and the value of money.

[Branleuse]

sorry i cant get past spending £700 on one child. Wtf?

[nicenewone1]

I have also had my foster daughter for 8 years. She also was very ungrateful, still is a little but not so much now. I think that generally speaking the looked after children get so much more, and are also entitled to more, they will get a shock when independence comes.

My FC always knew that she had to get a part time job at 16. But made no attempt to get one. She wanted for nothing. Not good. So I took some good advice from a careers advisor who said that by 15/16 kids should be doing something to gain a work ethic. She said if she continued to avoid work, I should get her a voluntary position.

I got her a job in a charity shop, and she was incandescent with rage. She soon got a job.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

It is probably bravado. The friend was probably boasting about £2000 spent on her so FD needs to appear nonplussed.

Plus, I think foster children have just lost so much, or rather never really had it. I'll explain this badly, though. But they often only see things in material terms.

[pklme]

I would say I overheard her, and ask if she really felt like that. I'd tell her it was upsetting to hear that as she actually had a lot spent on her.

[Kione]

She wanted a laptop, she had one, and lots of other stuff. What was she complaining about?
And yes, I would discuss this with her and look for a little job.

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

She is 15. Without any extra issues from being a foster child this is the age where most children have an element of brat about them. I would ignore it after all you weren't meant to hear so there could be a million reasons why she said that to her friend it doesn't mean she meant it.

[ivykaty44]

What did foster DD give you for Christmas?

[Poshsausage]

Is Christmas a tough time for her ?

[elfish]

yes she had too much, she wanted something else originally so i had bought other stuff and budgeted £100 for that, then she changed her mind to a laptop so we ended up spending an extra £350 on her, also about £120 with of gifts were from our relatives not us, so we don't usually spend that much.

i have spoken to her, she said she was just angry with me for something else (usual teenage stuff) so was venting. i did explain it was hurtful and words could be painful.

we seem to be on a better footing now.

i suppose i was resentful that the last minute present change meant us spending way more than we budgeted and she showed so little gratitude, but then she didn't know or realise the original budget and rightly so.

by the way she bought me a £1 candle from the pound shop, but i do like my candles and i encourage her not to go overboard with present giving so i was quite happy with that, it showed she knows what i like and had put thought into it.