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How would you have dealt with this?

(9 Posts)
Kitsandkids Wed 23-Mar-16 20:03:18

My 7 year old fc has issues with lashing out at other children. He thinks nothing of pushing someone if they're in his way, and sometimes hurts children if he can't get his own way.

He attends a club one night a week and several times since September, when he started, I've been told about him hurting other children. Last time it happened I warned him that if it happened again I would have to stop him going as he obviously wasn't ready to cope with it.

For a few weeks he was fine, then tonight I was told he'd hurt someone on the arm and kicked someone else. When I asked him about it he remembered kicking someone 'Because he had the ball and I wanted it,' but couldn't remember hurting someone's arm. I am concerned that hurting people comes so naturally to him that he often doesn't remember doing it.

I've told him that until he can prove to me that he can stop hurting people, he can't go back to the club. As I said to him, if he can't control himself I will have to control him by not putting him in that situation. I feel a bit harsh, but at the same time it's not fair on the other kids or the volunteer adults if he can't stop himself from hurting people. Do you think it's fair for me not to send him to the club for at least a few weeks? He will have to accompany me to drop off and collect his brother.

stopandstandup123 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:13:19

Can you (and it may take a long time and much repetition) give him an alternative to hitting, kicking and punching? If you were able to get him to stamp his feet three times when frustrated, squeeze a stress ball then throw it at the wall when angry, go for a short walk and count backwards from 10 when wanting to punch a child it may give just enough breathing space for him to get out of the "red zone" it sounds like he gets into when all reason goes out of the window and he just reacts without his brain engaged.

These are just suggestions as you will know what could work or you could ask the child what he might be able to do instead of hitting out.

It sounds like the rage takes him over and he needs a few seconds to get back in the room and out of the rage status.

fasparent Thu 24-Mar-16 02:19:11

Think you must talk about how other children may feel on the receiving end and
there would be consequences in the long term if it continues, like having friends
being invited too friends house's, party's, what he do's not want is exclusions because of his behaviours at his age, Must understand other children's feelings and how he would feel if it happens too him, also how little you could support him if he continues and the shoe was on the other foot .

fasparent Thu 24-Mar-16 02:31:33

Could try Clubs with contact sports, Rugby, Football, Judo, etc... all require an element of control which he must learn, never know , he may have a hidden talent., quite a lot of kids do., also would burn off lots of excess energy.

Cassimin Thu 24-Mar-16 09:44:16

What about social stories.
I found this helped with my little one. Makes them have to think about things.
In our case it was hitting and running away.
It's taken us a long time and lots of different clubs but we eventually found some that could deal with their behaviours.

fasparent Thu 24-Mar-16 10:03:33

Really not on your own, our ds same age was banned by the FA for 3 months
did him world of good, went on too play with school of excellence , enjoyed playing and traveling ay home and abroad for many a year.
As Cassimin says try lots of club's , some can be multi talented , but enjoyment must set the president, too help his self esteem.

stopandstandup123 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:16:29

We were always told when our children were young that there has to be a pay-off to all behaviour, good and bad. The child has to get something out of the way they behave. This is why (for some children) star charts work and positive affirmation/reinforcement is said to change behaviour by encouraging the behaviours you want to see.

If you can find the pay-off you can change the behaviour. If your child gets more attention by kicking or hitting than being nice he is responding to attention for bad behaviour and to a child any attention is better than none, especially a fc as they will have a different idea maybe of how to get attention from an adult or another child.

Next time look to see if the teachers or playgroup organisers only respond to him when he is being naughty. If they make an almighty (negative) fuss of him and it escalates to you having to come into school or the club he is getting a massive amount of attention from this.

Just might be worth standing back and observing what is going on here.

Kitsandkids Fri 25-Mar-16 09:31:14

Thanks for your responses. We try to reward good behaviour and give as little attention to the bad behaviour as possible, but I'll admit that sometimes after he's been somewhere and got a bad report I do spend a lot of time talking to him about it whereas if he got a good report I probably don't.

I will look into some more sporty clubs. When he had just turned 6 he went to a sports club at school and after a few weeks of getting bad reports about him I took him out. He was just going wild and not doing anything he was supposed to. So I have been a bit wary of sending him to sporty things, though he is a bit older now.

He tends to behave reasonably well when I, and his class teacher, are looking at him. If he thinks our attention is away from him he tends to go to pot. And with adults he doesn't know so well, or respect as much, he thinks he can do what he likes.

fasparent Fri 25-Mar-16 20:17:03

This may be worth looking into as from last year Pupil premium was moved too Pupil Premium + from last year an increase of £1000 is now £1900 pa , Childs LA Virtual Head will be in receipt of this. Too work with child's school in conjunction with Personal Education Plan, This can be used in many ways, Tutoring, equipment, counselling , OT's , anger management, plus Coaching , Clubs out of school also other clubs, activity's which could help with inclusion which would promote child's self esteem.
Would be worth thinking deeply at possibility's, after all its cash allocated too each individual child'

Before arranging meeting's with Social services virtual head and school and what could be included in their IEP.

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