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Accusations from birth parents towards me-advise needed from other foster parents

(37 Posts)
fosternanny Wed 22-Apr-15 21:28:41

I have my two grandchildren under a temp child arrangement order but hope to get a SGO when it goes to final hearing.
Just wondered if other foster parents experience abuse and accusations from the birth parents and how best to deal with it please. The social worker seems to be on the phone most days asking me about things I am supposed to have done or said and it's getting very upsetting. I am doing the parents a favour by stopping the children going up for adoption but seems like the whole world is against me

LaurieFairyCake Wed 22-Apr-15 21:31:07

They're your children?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 22-Apr-15 21:31:20

Grand children?

fosternanny Wed 22-Apr-15 21:37:11

yes my grandchildren

LaurieFairyCake Wed 22-Apr-15 21:42:49

I think I'm right in thinking you'd get less phone calls from the social worker if it wasn't made by a member of your own family.

Our social worker ignores all the crap from birth parents and gives no credence to them at all as they're obviously untrue.

The only thing I can say that might help is that expecting gratitude is not part of being a carer. In all the children ive looked after where the parents are antagonistic at no point have they ever expressed thanks and we were told right from the beginning to not expect it.

fosternanny Wed 22-Apr-15 21:51:18

Thank you for the advice. I have never expected or wanted gratitude just want to be left alone to get on with it. The children are priority.
You are right by saying it probably because we are family but still doesn't make it right.
Yet if I bring something to attention of social worker that one of the children as said i'm being petty apparently.
Contact is done in a centre as parents were aggressive towards me but after SGO i'm expected to do contact again.
Those children need stability not an upset nanny

LaurieFairyCake Wed 22-Apr-15 22:16:25

Hopefully you'll get lots more advice. You can say you won't facilitate contact if there are threats, you can ask for PA, contact centre.

The bottom line is you don't have to agree.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 22-Apr-15 22:17:30

You need to record on diary sheets what the children say and bring it up with your supervising social worker. Have you been offered training?

fosternanny Wed 22-Apr-15 22:24:02

I have kept a diary right from day 1. Includes everything we do times get up/bed meal times. If wet beds etc but also things that children have said.
Not offered any training at all. Just left to get on with it and only receive £30 per week allowance for 2 children.
Hit and miss with child benefit as they let mother keep claiming and passing on which isn't working so sent in my claim today

wonderpants Thu 23-Apr-15 09:01:45

Hi foster nanny, I do feel for you as it sounds like you are being dumped on from a great height! I'm presuming that as you aren't receiving fostering allowance, that you haven't been approved as a kinship foster carer? It might be worth asking for this, even approaching the LA fostering team directly, as you will get the support of a social worker for you (which may buffer the child's SW), plus proper payment to support the child.
They will be keen to push you into a sgo as it is cheaper, and there are benefits to that, but you could look into that further down the line when all is settled.
I had a LO that went to family in similar circumstances and they were treated appallingly.
There is family rights organisation, can't think of their exact name, but they have a helpline. It might be worth getting advice from them too.
It might annoy your SW but this is about you and the children and your future family unit!
Good luck, I have so much admiration for families that do this as it such a big commitment. thanks

fosternanny Thu 23-Apr-15 12:32:01

Well apparently I am now in trouble with the social worker for asking you all for advice. Can I not do anything right

LaurieFairyCake Thu 23-Apr-15 12:39:53

Stop sharing with them.

You're not being supported properly, I'm shocked at you being pushed into an SGO - definitely agree that you would get more money, support, training (though more scrutiny) as a kinship carer.

what is the likelihood of your SGO being approved?

I also think you could call the fosteting network for advice too - your social worker can't object to that.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 23-Apr-15 12:40:32

wonderpants Thu 23-Apr-15 13:42:26

Will the fostering network advise if she isn't a member though, which I presume she isn't as she is a foster carer.
You don't need to share things like posting here with the SW, you may need to back off a bit!

wonderpants Thu 23-Apr-15 13:44:08

Try, there is a whole forum dedicated to kinship carers.
And ring and get their advice.

wonderpants Thu 23-Apr-15 13:46:08

Sorry, post before didn't make sense. Blooming phone! Sure you can work out what I meant though!

fosternanny Thu 23-Apr-15 15:22:35

I didn't tell them my husband did the stupid man. Court asked us at last hearing if we wanted to go for SGO and we had 7 days to reply. Spoke to my solicitor who given the evidence of the abuse etc thought it best to go for it as gives us superior rights over my daughter.
App the SGO being approved is quite good.
I'm not sure what I am to be honest not registered foster carer just a mug who is doing it for the love of those children

fosternanny Thu 23-Apr-15 18:50:59

Update everyone we have been called back to court in the morning emergency order

LaurieFairyCake Thu 23-Apr-15 18:52:35

Do you know what it's regarding?

fosternanny Thu 23-Apr-15 21:08:42

Don't have a clue till I spk to my barrister in the morning at court. something about social services wanting a care order

wonderpants Fri 24-Apr-15 14:04:44

Are you okay fosternanny? How has it gone today?

LaurieFairyCake Fri 24-Apr-15 14:18:03

Also checking in to see if you're ok smile

fosternanny Sat 25-Apr-15 07:40:28

Hi Ladies thank you for caring. We are not really ok tbh. They have removed our child arrangement order in favour of a care order for the LA but keep saying it is nothing we have done wrong. Say it is the harrassment we are getting from daughter and boyfriend and to protect us. It doesn't feel that way. They have moved final hearing back to july. They want me and daughter to have mediation but after the physical abuse I have received from her over the years I have refused.
We are to be assessed as specialty foster carers now.
Children to remain in our care.
Can i ask your advice on passports please. We have spent two thousand pound on a family holiday in October but children do not have passports yet. Parents have refused their consent. we have already lost £400 as had to change date. where do we stand please as social worker won't answer our concerns

LaurieFairyCake Sat 25-Apr-15 08:29:10

I think my thoughts about what's happened to you and your family are a bit conflicted. On one hand you're going to get far more support, training, funding to help you look after them well and protect them from the parents.

On the other Im guessing they are now held with the LA under a section 20, so they are a lot more in charge now.

When you refuse mediation or request that you need contact supported you need to state every time that you are at risk of abuse and the children seeing that puts them at risk.

As for the holiday, they are very likely to encourage it - if not they will be paying for expensive respite care. You might need a break by then so it's not always a bad thing. When one of my foster kids was refused to go on holiday the LA said it was in their interests to go as the other children were going and they applied for the passports.

Now that you're about to become a proper foster carer you're going to get a Supervising Social Worker who's sole job is to support you - please note, support YOU and not the children (the children have their own social worker).

wonderpants Sat 25-Apr-15 08:34:59

Hi Foster nanny, that sounds like a good outcome, in that the LA will be able to intervene, and as foster carers, you will be better supported. It might be more intrusive, but I think it will be worth it in the short term for longer term stability. Now the LA has parental responsibility, they can sort out the passport without parents consent. If you have a solicitor, it might be worth asking them to ask for confirmation it will be sorted.
Good luck, try and enjoy a peaceful weekend with the children.

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