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Advice please, are we insane for asking her to live with us?

(24 Posts)
henrysmate Mon 03-Mar-14 16:51:18

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, sorry, but it's a messy situation, largely concerned with fostering (even though the girl concerned is 19, just). Long story, but 3 years ago, we adopted my 3 nephews following my sister's death. Her SD was 16 at the time and didn't want to move when we had to move the boys to come live with us, so she went to live with her BFF's family (her mother and my sister were very close friends), all very amicable and we've been in close contact (and financially supporting her) ever since. Now that's changed and she wants to come live with us, the boys have missed her badly and she them, they love one another very much. Me and my OH think it's a great idea, the boys love having her here and we're in a position to feed another mouth (she came for a visit after Christmas and hasn't left).

I'll admit, she was a bit of handful at 15 and 16, but the only "proper" mother she'd ever known was dying and her useless father got yet another opportunity to let her down publicly, so she acted out a bit. I don't blame her. And she's made some decisions since that I might question, but given what's happened in her little life, I can see how her judgement's not been the best.

The problem is my family, I've just had the 3rd call from a "concerned" relative asking if we know what we're getting into, that she'll disrupt what we've built with the boys and our stability. OK, we're building a house, life's very topsy turvy generally but is there ever a good time for things to happen? Now I'm wondering if we're just being silly, is there any sense in what they're saying or should be just ignore them and get on with doing what we think is right?

wonderpants Mon 03-Mar-14 17:46:37

I think you sound lovely grin Your post really made me smile!

NatashaBee Mon 03-Mar-14 17:52:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 03-Mar-14 17:56:04

First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your sister

Only you, your DH, and the boys know what the dynamic is in your family. If you ae all in agreement that she should saty, I think she should.

And I agree you sound lovely

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Mon 03-Mar-14 18:00:36

It sounds like its what you & DH would like to do and you feel it would be good for your nephews. Its your decision, not anyone else's. I agree you sound lovely. Sorry about your sister.

henrysmate Mon 03-Mar-14 18:06:08

Thanks all, I've just been blindsided by the calls from people that normally don't bother us too much and wondered if there was something that we weren't taking into account. I have a sneaky suspicion that at the heart of this is that there's no blood relation between her and us, that's terrible to admit I know, but I do think some older people really thinks that matters. They just got me doubting myself.

The OH and I have been talking about this for over a month now (he initiated it when he said, smiling over breakfast "Looks like we've gone and got ourselves another kid, eh bird?"). The boys love having her here and frankly, I quite like having another woman about, it evens up the testosterone in the house! She does want to go to college and will need supporting for a bit, but we're on for that.

Bugger them all then, we'll just build another room and be done with it, which is what himself has been saying all along.

henrysmate Mon 03-Mar-14 18:09:00

NatashaBee her BFF is getting married and the dynamic there is changing, she's finding it hard to get work being less than amazingly well qualified and now she wants to go to Uni. There's nothing scary going on, we're in close contact with the parents she's living with, so she's not running away from anything that I know of, is that what you meant?

SummerRain Mon 03-Mar-14 18:11:29

Oh, you and your dd sound so lovely smile

It sounds like having her would be a fantastic solution and if you're on board with the extra financial hit putting her through college would be then I don't see why not. From what you've posted I'm guessing you would have helped fund college anyway so the only real difference will be that she's in the house permanently rather than holidays and weekends.

Go for it, ignore the relatives, as you say some older people are odd about the difference between blood relatives and step sibling's but imo, and I'm guessing yours, family is what you make it, not what you're born into.

Good luck x

BitOutOfPractice Mon 03-Mar-14 18:11:38

Some people are happy to have nothing to do with you until they feel the need to give you the benefit of their opinion onsmething that is no business of theirs

As for the "blood relation" thing, I hear you. When my DH's brother split from his partner, my MiL told me that I was allowed to keep in touch with my two nieces (who were his). But not their elder brother who was "only" their half sibling (from his partner's former partner) and therefore "not really family". Can you imagine what my reaction was to that? WE had known him since he was two. He was family to me

SummerRain Mon 03-Mar-14 18:14:42


Bloody phone!

NatashaBee Mon 03-Mar-14 18:16:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

henrysmate Mon 03-Mar-14 18:21:36

BitOutOfPractice, that's exactly it, this little girl has been plaiting my hair and putting on plays for us since she was 4, how could we see her as anything other than family? I know if my sister was still alive, she'd still be living there and this would never have come up. Hope you still get to see your nephew?

I've been secretly thinking about this since the first morning she was here and I found all four of them cuddled up together in the one bed. It made my heart hurt.

lalidino90 Wed 05-Mar-14 06:18:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

catsrus Thu 06-Mar-14 15:06:50

do it smile if we could only love those we were related to by blood the world would be an even sorrier place. I'm a big believer in the idea of 'family of choice' - my dc have honorary aunts and uncles who are my siblings in all but DNA and law. In the even of my death they would have gone to live with them, not my siblings by birth. This girl is part of your family.

NanaNina Fri 07-Mar-14 20:38:59

It is so lovely to read posts like this - you are clearly very special people and this young woman deserves the love and security that you will give her.

henrysmate Tue 11-Mar-14 00:04:05

catsrus you're so right, she just is family and that's what we've told the rest of them now, it's settled. i don't know why i had such a wobble.

i guess we're just in such turmoil generally, we're living in a leaky barn next to a building site that will one day be a home if it ever stops raining and there are a billion routines that need maintaining despite it all and well, they caught me at a weak moment. anyway, we've bought her a shed, yes, you read that right, a great big shed that we'll attach to the barn and she completely loves the idea and the boys are jealous as anything of her annexe.
thanks for your sense mn. please don't report me to CS for putting a child in a shed.

henrysmate Tue 11-Mar-14 00:50:03

Thanks NanaNina, that's very sweet of you, but I'll give you time to rethink that once you've heard about the shed bit.

catsrus Tue 11-Mar-14 16:52:50

one of my dds friends lived in the shed - and yes it was teen-hangout central and they all loved it and were very jealous :-)

isisisis Tue 11-Mar-14 17:08:34

henrysmare you are lovely & I'm very jealous of your shed. I would of loved that as a teenager. wonder if I can send DH to live in a shed

StealthPolarBear Tue 11-Mar-14 17:15:36

I really think this is one situation where you, your family (do you have other children) and she are the only people whose opinion matters. I suspect having a family and a home will mean a lot to her. Financial support will mean alot to her, not just the money itself but the fact youre doing it iyswim). It wont be plain sailing but from what youve said I think you're doing the right thing. Not that my opinion should matter - see point 1 smile

StealthPolarBear Tue 11-Mar-14 17:16:25

Pmsl at a shed. I'd have loved that as a teenager!

BigArea Tue 11-Mar-14 17:25:27

"thanks for your sense mn. please don't report me to CS for putting a child in a shed." grin

henrysmate Tue 11-Mar-14 22:44:50

Thanks StealthPB, these are our only children so this is just about us, quite right. I'll use that line when Mum calls again, you should have heard what she had to say about the shed.

But my niece is beaming and the boys are delighted. I know, all the hard stuff is still to come and I'm sure it will, but she's been part of our routines for a while now, she knows we expect a lot of the boys and this of course extends to her. And we're far from flush, but it will work, it feels right.
(And I should explain, the shed will be insulated and have a radiator and water, it's not like she'll be sharing it with a lawnmower or anything).

NanaNina Sun 16-Mar-14 01:00:40

I can't think of anything better and more exciting than a shed for this young woman.......she will be the envy of all her friends. I still think you are very special people!

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