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When do you give up on a child you are fostering?

(66 Posts)
Roshbegosh Thu 13-Jun-13 04:34:14

We are having a terrible time with a 12yo child that has been with us for a few years now. One thing after another and he smoked some weed this week, was in a fight, had a school exclusion etc. we love him but he is making us miserable all the time. The SWs don't exist basically, so shite, that is another story. If we give up on this boy he will end up in a childrens home and most likely go downhill fast. Horrible dilemma. Don't say ask LA for support, have done, no response AGAIN. Feel torn, stressed, miserable and knackered.

Oblomov17 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:36:14

Never fostered, but my 13 ds1 is Kevin and perry, rude, miserable, answering back, in a bad mood. permanently. His lack of affection, appreciation, and lack of interest in us, or anyone other than himself and his friends, is frightening.
Just to let you know, it's not that unusual.

ShoutOutToMyEx Wed 05-Apr-17 20:15:46

I understand OP. Birth child of foster parents here. Many people would have given up before now.

No advice to add to what's been said, but flowers

lacs0peps0 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:09:56

I haven't read the entire 63 reply's but ref the original question...You give up on a placement, when you feel it is the right decision for you(the carer).

I always try to separate school behaviours/disruptions with placement behaviour/disruptions. Never never award a consequences at placement for behaviour in school. Puts too much additional pressure on placement!

Good Luck everyone!

Claire260 Thu 26-Jan-17 18:17:58

Ignore the negative comments!!
I've been a carer for 9 yrs and had teenagers. I absolutely sympathise!
Set some ground rules.
Tell him if he misbehaves at school or is disrespectful to you then there are consequences like take away technology until he shows he can be trusted and listens.
Hope things improve.

Garnethair Wed 25-Jan-17 17:06:49

Ah I see.

We fostered for many years. We had to give notice on two children over that period due to their behaviour not being compatible to family life. Our agency was not keen for us to do so but we insisted. Sometimes it's the only option.

Rindless Wed 25-Jan-17 16:58:25

Yes, he's Sec20 so is voluntarily in care! He's moving into his own place next month

Garnethair Wed 25-Jan-17 16:29:30

Do you mean he is moving out?

Rindless Wed 25-Jan-17 16:10:28

Our 16 yr old is going into semi independent on 3 weeks, not sure if this will have any effect?

Garnethair Wed 25-Jan-17 15:39:40

Rindless, I've been in your shoes with a child who behaved in a similar way. If he is destabilising your other placement then in my opinion it may be time to call it a day.

Rindless Wed 25-Jan-17 08:22:58

Now now girls, I'm a big boy! I've got this..... lol

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 25-Jan-17 08:19:44

Your post was stupid and unnecessary January. It is quite obvious that Rindless is a new poster. Why couldn't you be more helpful like the posters after you?

Ohnowattsthis Wed 25-Jan-17 08:07:06

Atruth- yes you were, I didn't mean you. Sorry if it came across that way.

January- I wasn't smug I was feeling angry that that was the first thing the poster saw. When they obviously needed support. How unwelcoming.

Rindless Wed 25-Jan-17 08:05:22

It is what it is, only saw the age of the thread after I'd posted this. Good luck everyone. George

I kind of thought I was being supportive. I have zero experience of fostering so can't offer advice but by suggesting she start her own thread I thought she'd get more help.

I hope you're not put off by the bickering Rindless. Start your own thread. You'll get more support.

JanuaryMoods Wed 25-Jan-17 07:30:54

I don't agree with just shouting zombie thread just be all smug.

But not quite as smug as you, eh?


Ohnowattsthis Wed 25-Jan-17 07:06:34

I don't agree with just shouting zombie thread just be all smug. It's a zombie thread, so what? It is a thread that matches the pp needs. How about offering some support along with mentioning that it is an old thread? Wouldn't that be more help?

Perhaps Rindless you would also like to start a new thread ( copy and paste your post?) and then you could receive some well earned support for the trial you are going through now.
All strength to you

Empress13 Wed 25-Jan-17 07:00:12

Rosh if you are still here would love to know how things are now and if you still have your foster son with you.

So many of these threads get left unanswered.

Notjustuser1458393875 Wed 25-Jan-17 06:58:16

I think the poster knows that. She's looking for advice on the same issue.

I can't offer any useful advice, Rindless, but consider your hand held till someone more helpful comes along.

* Rather

@Rindless, this thread is from four years ago. You might be better starting your own thread so that people respond to that rather hijab the op.

JanuaryMoods Wed 25-Jan-17 06:43:58



Rindless Wed 25-Jan-17 06:41:01

Hi, saw your thread and joined to site to be able to reply. My wife and I are in pretty much the same situation as you at the moment.
We have a 13 yr old placement who is hanging in here by the skin of his teeth, he's stolen items from the home, sold some of his Christmas presents, absconds from school on a daily basis, has thrown a brick from a bridge onto a car windscreen, smokes, has HUGE problems with women in authority, will not wash, will not tidy his room, lies compulsively etc etc.
My wife was a frontline SW (IRO now) and one of the few good ones that are left and I am the full time foster Carer giving HGV driving up to do this.
The only thing our placement got enthusiastic about was Army Cadets (I'm an adult instructor at our local Det) but he is starting to disengage with this now also.
My wife is not looking forward to coming home after work anymore due to his attitude towards her, she is hurt because he stole our card details yesterday and spent £60 on ITunes but shows no remorse. He's been with us 5 months now but is tearing our house apart emotionally. He's had a crap time of it and will most likely end up in a residential if we do give notice but I don't know how much more we can take? His SW is useless as is his IRO and our agency are offering the wrong kind of help as they're too nicey nicey and have no teeth. No boundaries work, consequences have no effect and he refuses to change. We know he is pushing us away to see how far he can get us but I think he's going to find out shortly. He can be a fantastic lad when he ties the line but this is real Jekll & Hyde stuff. We have a 16yr old placement also and the two of them are starting to plot & scheme behind our backs and this is worrying.
Tough times. It all I'm saying is that your not alone.

Roshbegosh Thu 12-Sep-13 07:16:05

Thanks holsty and suzylee for the posts. Things have got worse since I posted and we are waiting to hear where he will go now. We still see glimpses of the boy we have loved all this time but the slightest thing will turn him into a verbally abusive monster. Everything is a battle, even getting him to brush his teeth and we have given up fighting most of them out of sheer exhaustion and ultimately because we have no power over him. Yes we could stop TV or playstation but then some other shit happens. He has suddenly realised we can't make him do anything. As he points out, we are not his parents and if we say we are doing their job he sneers and tells us to fuck off. Hearing you had 6 years that then went wrong suzy is yet another message telling us to stop and try to get our lives back. So sad though, we wanted to look after him into adulthood.

suzylee73 Wed 11-Sep-13 13:47:28

I really feel for you. My 16 yr old foster daughter broke the placement down after 6 years recently so I fully sympathize wholeheartedly. I tried so many strategies eg respite, begging her to stop, 18 months of therapy, consequences, crying so she could "see" the damage she was doing. Nothing worked and I couldn't keep her and myself safe so she had to leave. I'm not saying there is no hope I'm sure there is but please don't beat yourself up if it does break down. If he is trying to break down the placement for whatever misguided reason you might not be able to stop him. Much love

holsty Tue 10-Sep-13 11:26:22

We had a sibling group and the middle boy at 13yrs nearly gave me a brake down he just spiraled out of control,in the end we had to let him go <It isnt worth getting to that point.Now 3yrs on we still in contact he turned out a better boy, some times you have to let them go.Smoking weed at such a young age can affect them. When they souting they dont mean what they say.You need let the sw now ask for help !

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