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Passed medicals/police having doubts

(9 Posts)
Bluedolphin1971 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:08:34


Well SW contacted us just before Christmas to say we had passed medicals and Police checks and gave us the official form to complete to apply to foster. I was thrilled, if anyone has read my previous posts you will see I have had depression in the past and I thought this would go against me from going further.

Now for the past week or so I've been thinking if I'm doing the right thing in fostering. I keep thinking how it will affect my marriage if the FC doesn't settle, my DH is one for discipline and routine and whist he says he knows a FC won't be able to "fall into" our routines at home straight away, I actually wonder if he really does understand. We know people who foster and they have done for quite some time, they have been lucky so far and haven't had any difficult challenges (sorry I don't know what other words to use here) so I don't know if my husband is thinking the same will happen to us!

I also wonder how its going to affect my BC. My youngest is 7 and I've tried to ask him how he feels but he just says "I don't know". My son and I are always on the sofa cuddling in watching tv, i tell my BC every single day that I love them, and I wonder if I will still be able to do this if we have a FC, because I wouldn't want them to feel left out and Ive been told you can't show affection the unless they initiate it, but then on the same level if a FC needed lots of attention, I wouldn't want my own BC to feel left out.

Every time I see the Barnardoes advert on tv I could cry and I think that I really want to do this, but then during the night when I'm lying awake, The doubts start to creep in.

is this normal?

Fosterangel Wed 02-Jan-13 21:55:57

Congrats on having your application accepted.

Now that you are on the road to becoming a foster carer you and DH will be put on the Skills to Foster course. You will also have a number of home visits from a SSW who will prepare your F1 to take you to panel. The whole process from successful application to going to panel can take up to a year. This long time of preparation is key to ensuring that the decision to foster a child is the right one for your family. Discipline will be covered so it is all pretty clear cut and you will be told what is expected. The important thing is that if you do decide to foster you will have had most of your doubts and questions answered so need for any more sleepless nights!

It is a big plus that you have a loving relationship with your own bc's. I am sure that any fostered child will benefit from your openly showing love to your own children so they can see how it works for you. A fostered child may or may not like hugs and cuddles for themselves, but they will benefit from seeing how your family show love and affection to each other so I would just carry on doing what you do as a family.

We all had doubts along the way. I think that this is what makes a good carer as it says that you are a sensitive and thoughtful and mindful of the feelings of others - all good skills in my opinion!

lovesmileandlaugh Fri 04-Jan-13 08:24:15

Hi Blue,

This is the first time I've posted here, but I'm in a similar position to you. We've done the Skills to Foster training and we have had our 2nd meeting with the SW, with panel booked for the end of April. We've yet to have the medical and police checks, but they've advised me that my history of depression/ anxiety will not be a problem. They are interested in how stable I am now. We also have a 7 and an 8 year old.

I swing from being really excited by the challenge, to really scared in case it doesn't work. I'm not a natural risk taker, and like stability (especially financially). There are so many variables coming. However this is something that is very important to me, and I want to be able to say I gave it my best, and if it doesn't work for us as a family, at least I tried. I think it is normal to have these emotions.

Wishing you love and luck in the journey

Fosterangel Fri 04-Jan-13 09:13:41

I agree with ls&l's post that you can only give it your best. Keep an open mind and don't look to far ahead. You will learn so much about yourself in the training and whilst doing the F1 at home with your SSW, and ok I can see that this may cause you some unsteady or even anxious moments, but it will also give you confidence in your skills.

Good luck. I loved the image of you cuddling your own lo's on the sofa and watching tv. Any foster child would feel safe knowing there is a lot of love in your home.

kiddiwinkles Fri 04-Jan-13 09:17:49


Being Nervous and unsure is normal and to be expected, it is a big step to take, But job satisfaction in the end is worth it! Honest wink

It is a rollercoaster, but the highs are great


bonnieslilsister Fri 04-Jan-13 14:43:51

When I started fostering both my children were still at primary school. I know exactly where you are coming from. My worries still exist even though I love fostering. It changes your life and family dynamic forever (or I suppose as long as you foster). In many ways it is amazing and rewarding and the best thing I have ever done but in other ways it has been hard for my dcs, especially ds. There are not many opportunities to spend individual time with them.

Are you doing short term fostering? We are and the longest time we have had a child is getting on for three years (fc is still with us). Any move now will be so hard for us all, including fc.

What age range are you going to take?

Good luck

NanaNina Fri 04-Jan-13 15:28:00

Some great replies here........I've carried out many many fostering assessments over the years when working for a LA (retired now) I would always worry more about the people who were not having some wobbles and wondering if fostering is right for them, because that demostrated they were being realistic. The ones that worried me were those who waved everything aside "Oh we'll have three foster kids - no problems."

As others have said you will be invited on to a preparation course and I always used to say to people I assessed that this is a 2 way street, and as well as sws assessing you (though informally) it was equally as important that the applicants really thought about whether this was for them or not, and to withdraw their application at any time.

Sws do talk some crap at times - i.e. "you can't show affection to a fc unless he/she initiates it" - this of course relates to a child who has been sexually abused and may misinterpret ordinary affection, but there are ways of showing affection without getting hold of the child and sitting him on your lap squeezing him to your bosom!!!

Bit concerned about your DH being one for discipline and routine - what do you mean by discipline by the way. Hmm routine is what you won't get because you will be phoned to ask if you will take a child and then when the sw goes out to the family, there isn't sufficient evidence to remove the child or an auntie or granny will take the child, and if you;re lucky someone will phone you to tell you the placement isn't needed. I think this is one of the things that annoys fcs a great deal and easy to see why. It can happen the other way too - a chld who comes for 2 weeks can end up staying 2 years! SWs won't phone you when they've said they will and then you can't get them on the phone and for someone who likes routine this could well be a tipping point.

Re your 7 year old - what else can a child say as he cannot envisage fostering, he isn't capable of abstract thought. I usually used to ask children of this age what would happen if a child broke their lego up or stood in front of the TV so they couldn't see, or something like that.

I think it is essential that your offer should be for a child 2 years younger than your son - don't know how far down you want to go. It is not fair for bc to lose their places as the eldest child. Most LAs are ok for 0 - 5 so it might be worth checking out the need for that age range.

SO my advice would be to go on the course and take it from are not committing yourself to anything at this stage.

Bluedolphin1971 Sun 06-Jan-13 14:14:28

Thank you everyone for your advice. As hoping to go up to age 10 for fc.
With regards to my husband and disciplin he is own for respect ie respecting others, respecting your beloningings etc so if someone were to discrect someone or something belonging to someone he would maybe ground them or take a favourite toy off them. I've tried to tell him that we would need to teach a fc respect but I'm just not sure if he realises this could be a long process.

We are a very loving family, even my oldest who is a teenager tells me ever day he loves me and gives me cuddles, dnt get me wrong, he can be a typical teenager too lol.

Lots to think about will go for the skills to fostering course and take it from they're.

NanaNina Sun 06-Jan-13 18:37:45

Really think you should not take a child older than your daughter. I also think that fostering just may not be right for your husband. It isn't really possible to "teach a fc respect" as they probably have never been respected themselves, and this is how we learn to respect others. I somehow think fostering may not be right for your DH.

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