getting an 8 year old foster child to sleep.

[Rubyx]

I have a foster child who is fine during the day but the minute bedtime starts it is so much hassle. She won't go up, won't get into her nighty, becomes whiney. Cries, when you do get her into bed she will want you to sit with her for ages... It can take over an hour some days just to get her off to bed /sleep..
I totally understand she misses her mum the most at that time, she has her favourite teddies from home and i have put sheets on the bed of her choosing. I understand what she is going through but just wondered if anyone else has been in that situation and has any hints and tips... please

[neolara]

Sounds very difficult. I have absolutely no experience of fostering or adoption so feel free to ignore anything I say!

She sounds a bit like my 2 year old who is worried about separating from me. Do you think this could be an issue? For the moment, I've taken the view that just sitting in her room for a while after she is in bed helps. At one stage I sat on the floor near her bed. Now I sit on a chair by the door. In a while I'm hoping to sit outside the door but with the door open. Finally to close the door but stay outside. Could this be a way forward? Alternatively, put her in bed and say you'll pop back in 2 mins, then 3 mins, then 5 mins etc?

[Rubyx]

Thanks, i have been doing all that. Even when i don't pop back, i'll say i came when she was asleep, my room door is across the landing to hers so if i sit at my computer she can see me.. but stilll not working

[SquidgyBrain]

no direct experience of older foster children as we foster babies. But things I would try with my own 7/8 year olds would be a reward scheme. Set clear "rules" and start small, so if she gets into her nightie without whinging for the entire week there is a small treat, and try and work up.

Another suggestion would be to let her set some of the bedtime routine, so she may for example like to have her nightie on before a bedtime story and perhaps if she could follow a routine that she has made it might make for an easier time as she feels she has control?

[Rubyx]

I have done that, she was at the stage where she wanted to sleep with her brother who is fifteen, as he is in a single bed it is not ideal. I have offered to take her to build a bear if she sleeps in her own room for the whole week.. this is the third night and she is sleeping but i still have to spend ages, tiring her out playing and then making an excuse e.g today it was that i had to go on the computer and pay a bill before 10 ( it was 9.30), she is very active and i have limited any sugary drinks or snacks.

[Glenshee]

Hi Rubyx - how is it going? I suspect you have found a solution by now?

My 7 year old (birth) child really likes to listen to the music before he falls asleep - for about half an hour. Perhaps this would work for you if you manage to find out what your FC likes? Perhaps you could look at various things together on YouTube during the day to understand her preferences?

I would probably be tempted to stay with her, if at all possible, during the time she's listening to the music - initially! - but after several nights, if she seems engaged with the music, would ask her whether it's alright if you leave after the next song. (And explain you'd be close anyway). And if not, then just ask the same question again next night. I think giving in temporarily (staying in the room for a bit) at the start could be more effective than 'sticking to your guts' and insisting you have to leave. She must be craving your attention so much - once she gets what she wants she may relax a bit and be brave enough to let it go.

Specific things that have worked for us were:
Peter Pan: www.amazon.co.uk/Disney-Book-CD-%2522Peter-Pan%2522/dp/1407561367/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322085435&sr=1-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Beauty and the Beast book: www.amazon.co.uk/Disneys-Beauty-Beast-CD-Audio/dp/142310269X/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1322086397&sr=8-8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Beauty and the Beast musical: www.amazon.co.uk/Beauty-Beast-Broadway-Musical/dp/B001WIOEVU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1322086397&sr=8-3&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Also:
Boney M - One way ticket to the blues
Queen - Show must go on
Patricia Caas - If you go away
The Wanted - Lightning
Bon Jovi - Always
Scorpions - Wind of Change
... and so on

Hope this helps, and sorry if not - I don't have any experience of fostering. (Yet). Best of luck xxx

[Rubyx]

Thanks,, i am buying her a cd player for christmas and some justin bieber cd's i have also invested in a few audio cd stories
i have just had to be really firm with her... be strict and non smiling if she comes down after i have put her in bed, and just show her the clock and say i am here to tell a story, play with her jigsaw for 15 mins then i have to go. it's helping but not perfect

[Janni]

Does she have a night light? Is she allowed to leave the door open so she doesn't feel too alone? I have an adopted daughter for whom bedtime was tough for a long long time - she's 7 now and it's got better. She prefers to have some noise around than total quiet.

[bunnyboiler6]

Hello mumsnetters, having heard about this wonderful site for years I am now a member! Can I please ask for input on something that I am at my wits' end to deal with. I have a wonderful 8 year old daughter who gets off to sleep happily in her own room but generally comes in with me in the middle of the nigt. This haa been going on since she was 4, and in that time her father and I have separated amicably, and my daughter sees daddy most days of the week even if briefly at times. However, I do want her to stay in her own room and have tried everything. On occasion she stays in her own bed for a few weeks, but then reverts. When I ask her why she does it, the answer is "Because the boobies are so cosy". This cracks me up but I'm beginning to worry that this is so entrenched it will never be fixed. I have also discussed withn her what would make her happy to stay in her own room (up to and includig getting a kittenm that would be allowed to sleep in there), but though she is a clever girl,she can't suggest anything.

Please can anyone suggest anything? Thanks so much.

[bonnieslilsister]

No advice but think it is lovely and she will almost certainly stop soon of her own accord x

[Rubyx]

My son used to come into our room around 4 in the morning until he was nearly 10. Always snuck around to my side of the bed and he has stopped now so enjoy it

[SquidgyBrain]

Ruby - hows it going now? Sorry seemed to miss your reply!!

Bunnyboiler, I used to creep into my parents bed until I was 11, we did live in a very old not very nice at night house, which I was scared of, and I did start sleeping in my own bed as soon as we moved. I guess what I am trying to say is she will stop in her own time. I have a bed creeper of my own (he is 5), He recently moved into a new bed (cabin bed from a toddler bed) and it obviously much comfier as he is sleeping through and we rarely see him. He obviously misses coming in tho, as he has asked us to wake him when we go to bed, we don't, but he thinks that we have been trying and he just isn't waking up, so he asked my DH the other night, to (and this is totally true) PUNCH him to wake him up! Obviously we would never dream of this, but I did wake him gently and carry him to our bed for some snuggles :)

If she is able to sleep in her own bed for a few weeks I would say that she is not entrenched.