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Arggghhh I used to be known as the one with patience!

(12 Posts)
bonnieslilsister Sat 06-Aug-11 22:51:27

I understand that a child who has never had much in life will be constantly on the lookout for things being fair (or weighted in his/her favour) and will want everything anyone else is having but it is so infuriating!

I have to watch them because they both want what anyone else is having but then dont want to eat it or play with it really.

I am really mindful of being very fair as my children are similar ages but it is so hard and maybe they shouldn't really be treated as the same age because they are so different.

I have them for respite and have had them for about 7 weeks over the last few months. I really want to be patience but it is so hard!

bonnieslilsister Sat 06-Aug-11 22:52:09


Juey1 Sun 07-Aug-11 08:14:18

It sounds like they are testing you hun, I would treat them the same as you treat your own children so there is consistency. I know what you mean about being the same age but at the same time not being- but in school they will prob be treated the same as the kids in the rest of the class. I am sure you are doing a great job huni xx

Rubyx Mon 08-Aug-11 15:14:01

I read somewhere that some foster kids will be behind their real age so try treating them younger. Good luck

bonnieslilsister Mon 08-Aug-11 22:18:01

I know I should treat them younger but they are continually on the lookout with their eagle eyes for any "unfairness"!!

colditz Mon 08-Aug-11 22:20:07

they are jealous. They have to leave your nice home and go back to what probably isn't a nice life. YOUR kids get to stay in your nice home forever.

bonnieslilsister Mon 08-Aug-11 22:32:51

I know I can see that in their eyes, little sweethearts. I try not to judge but the carer they are with at the moment, it seems they are just having board and lodging and not really part of the family.

NanaNina Tue 16-Aug-11 14:11:08

There is in most cases a big difference between a child's chronological age and their emotional age, and very often because of this LAC need to be treated as younger children. They will be on the lookout for unfairness, as life has been unfair to them hasn't it really and because of their pre placement experiences, these children are almost always very emotionally needy, and this can persist throughout their childhood and adulthood.

It's that thing about the first weeks and months of life and the importance of nurturing care and how they are treated in the formative years, especially up to 3 yrs that lays down the foundations for the rest of their life. If they were abused or neglected in those years, they will to a greater or lesser extent have many behavioural problems. Sometimes these problems lay dormant until adolesence and then emerge with a bang!

I don't know what age these children are, but i would think they are confused about having to fit into 2 families and can't really process that confusion. You sound like you are doing your level best and that's all one can ask of a foster carer.

Do you know what the care plan for these children is - are the birth parents being assessed or has reunification been ruled out. Maybe you should mention your concerns about the other foster carers to the social worker, though asking her to keep your concerns confidential, but maybe will alert him/her to have a closer look. Problem is that like everyone else in life, some carers are brilliant, some average and sadly some should not be carers at all, but from my experience these are fortunately in the minority.

bonnieslilsister Tue 16-Aug-11 23:24:58

Thanks NanaNina, it has recently been decided that the children will go for permanence. They know they will not go home and that they will also not go to any other family member nor will they stay with their present fc. They just dont know who they will go to and this has made them justifiably very upset. I understand all this and love them dearly. I think I wrote that first email when a few weeks had been non stop "It's not fair!!"

I would hesitate mentioning my concerns to sw as maybe this is the best they can offer and besides the children are going to move on but their day just sounds like being in a boarding for meals (eaten apart from fc family) otherwise outside. Watch TV in own bedroom at night not with fc family.

MissVerinder Wed 17-Aug-11 11:40:15

Oh, Bonnie, poor little things, that's awful, the eating apart! How old are they?

Hope you're doing ok!

NanaNina Wed 17-Aug-11 20:23:46

Bonnie - I don't know the ages of these children but if they are over 5, the social workers will struggle to find an adoptive placement or even a permanent foster home. These children must be mightily confused and distressed. I think we (as in social workers,) are too honest with young children, saying something like "we are looking for a forever family for you" or somesuch. It used to be the practice to get children to draw a picture of the kind of family they would like, and surprise surprise, all the pictures were more of less the same, the house with 4 windows and a front door, the sun in the sky, a few flowers and trees in the garden, a few stick people and often a dog. I just hope this practice has bitten the dust.

How on earth could we (as adults) cope with being told that our living conditions were going to be changed, but no idea of how, or when this might happen.

I understand what you mean when you say about the foster carers "it might be the best they can offer" but I really think you have a duty to the children to pass on what the children have obviously told you, or the social worker could talk directly to the children. It sounds to me to be a highly unsuitable placement for these children. You say they are going to move, but this could take months (even years) and their chances of finding a permanent family diluting as time goes by as the children get older. Sorry to sound so pessimistic but I am trying to be realistic. You could have a talk with the social worker and ask what the chances would be of finding a permanent family for the children.

bonnieslilsister Thu 18-Aug-11 09:51:38

7 and 11 and yes they are distressed. Nn will pm you if that is ok

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