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Going to Gran.......is it the right thing?

(11 Posts)
mumsiepie Sat 21-May-11 22:55:02

My little fc, he has been with us for 12 months now and is 2 and a half. He has been, since feb, staying with his Gran and step g'dad for 1 or 2 nights per week, with 2 of his older siblings, with a plan of all 3 moving to live with Gran. I feel the responsibility so much. I have had to say to sw that they neither greet him when he arrives or say goodbye to him when he leaves unless I initiate it and he only wants to go if his siblings are there. If they are not there he clings on to me. His sw has listened to me, which is good, and there is going to be a review next month because there are other concerns about the move i.e. Gran saying she finds my fc very hard work and is realising how old she will be when he is 18 as she is 51 now plus the older sibs are hinting they do not like it there.

I have found it difficult because I know he wants to be with his older sibs, he really loves them and this may be the only way he can be with them but I couldn't not say about the way his visit starts and ends, which is them not speaking to him at all......surely that is strange! It is as though he is not there at all. I have no idea how they treat him when I am not there.

Has anyone else found it hard to pass on info because of the consequences?

I know this is not the point but the Gran has had 3 boys. One is fc's dad who is a very heavy drinker, takes occ drugs, and is violent and quite inadequate and the other 2 still live at home (3 bedroom house) and dont work and dont get up until late afternoon.

atswimtwolengths Sun 22-May-11 15:43:55

What a horrible situation. I think this is one of those situations that stop people fostering in the first place.

Just finding it hard to understand your exact problem. I can see it must be really hard dropping him off there when the other children aren't there, particularly as you have obviously bonded with this child. You have mentioned it to the social worker, so presumably she will deal with it.

Is this really the only way he can see his siblings? If the SS decide not to have the children living with the grandmother, surely the children will still be in a position to see each other?

It doesn't sound as if the grandmother's home is the ideal environment for a child. It does sound as if the children get a lot from being together. I hope the SS see sense and try to make an arrangement which will involve them not living with the grandmother but still being able to see each other.

By the way, do the children see each other apart from the times they're with the grandmother?

pinkchoccy Sun 22-May-11 19:27:29

Hi mumsiepie I am a grandma looking after my gs and I have a son who is his father. His father also drinks etc. It is easy to presume a grandma as on old person incapable of looking after a child. I became a grandma at 37 as my son was a teenager. I must say though we are not like the family you descibe above and I would be very concerned as this does not sound like a good situation at all. I would put your concerns forward strongly to your social worker. The family would have to go through an assessment process. I am unsure that this is the right environment at all for your fc.
Put this forward in writing to your social worker. It is important that this child is protected. I would be worried about lack of communication towards him and the role models who don't work and sleep in!

mumsiepie Sun 22-May-11 22:11:23

Thanks for replies, atswimtwolengths, if he goes for adoption he will go alone I believe and the older ones will be in a long term foster placement. I dont know how much contact he will have with them then; I think it will depend on the adoptive parents. At the moment they have a few hours together once a week, after school with their mum.

Pinkchoccy, I wouldn't presume a grandma to be old but fc's Gran is now saying she is thinking herself how old she will be when fc is 18. The family have already (just) passed the assessment process. I am in a horrible situation because he loves being there if his sibs are there and they are an amazing group of children, all incredibly close but I never see his g'parents interact with him. When he doesn't want me to leave, they dont make a move towards him to cuddle him or distract him. I popped him on Gran's knee once and he straightaway slithered off.

pinkchoccy Wed 25-May-11 12:47:35

mumsiepie i didn't mean you about presuming grans to be old, but people do. People always presume I am gsons mum and shocked when I tell them otherwise. Don't think it is agood thing at all if grandparents don't interact. It takes a lot of time and energy to look after a child and I think he deserves somebody to interact and love him as he deserves. Maybe adoption would be better for him.

mumsiepie Tue 31-May-11 22:06:34

Gran has now said it is too much for her and I must say I am relieved smile

mmtoastedmarshmallows Sun 19-Jun-11 21:31:24

The Gran didnt sound like she was what she wanted. I am relieved too! smile Have you thought what might happen in the future with him? ie. Is there an option of him staying somewhere else with his sibs? You seem to be very attached to him. xx

mmtoastedmarshmallows Sun 19-Jun-11 21:34:33

*what he needed!!

mumsiepie Sun 19-Jun-11 21:44:27

In my dreams he stays with me, in my reality he will almost certainly be put up for adoption! We have his (and his sibs) review on wed and that seems to be the decision that will be made. It will be a particularly stressful review as bm is violent and is going to flip. She has been warned that adoption will be decided. You are right about me being attached! smile

NanaNina Mon 20-Jun-11 23:57:04

Are you willing to keep your dn on a permanent basis. If so, I think you should talk to the social workers. Many relatives apply for a Special Guardianship Order which gives your parental responsibility. The SSD have to agree to this Order - there is a lengthy assessment of you and your family and how you plan to bring up the child etc., but i can see that nana and the bm are going to be an ongoing problem and the child could get caught in the "crossfire" between you and them. How old are his sibs and who is caring for them at the moment. You say he wants to be them but adoptors are few and far between who will adopt sibling groups (actually quite a wise decision sometimes) as the children all have different needs etc.

If you really want to keep your dn you must make this known to the sw. The SSD have a duty to ensure that a child is placed in his extended family if this is at all possible, before they look for a permanent placement outside of the family, be that adoption, or permanent fostering.

mumsiepie Tue 21-Jun-11 09:11:14

Sorry NanaNina, he is my foster child not my nephew. He is really insecure and I feel so worried for him going to a new home although long term I know it will be the best for him with the right couple. x

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