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I think we've reached the end of our road

(175 Posts)
EarthMotherImNot Tue 22-Feb-11 17:18:22

Title says it all reallysad

Since our last lo left a few weeks ago Dh and I have endlessly discussed whether to carry on as Fc's.

Her leaving affected us both badly, probably due to her difficult start in life and how intensely we worked with her for so long.

I have a supervision meeting due in a week or so and I'll probably tell my sw then.
We very much want to see our current lo on to his adoption next month but I'm worried they'll move him instead so I'm considering just keeping quiet until he leavesblush

It hasn't been an easy decision and I've dithered about it some days but we aren't getting any younger and the paperwork and training seems neverending and often not even geared to our age group.

I get tired of hearing sw's speak of manditory training when we are, in effect unpaid childcare.

I think the last straw was being "told" I "must" attend a course on "managing difficult behaviour" we foster newborns for gods sake!

EarthMotherImNot Fri 08-Feb-13 12:08:06

Hello ElectricSheep, I'm sorry I've only just seen your post. Thank you for your kind words.

I had the ERCP on the 25th, it wasn't nice but it's done now so I'm going to forget about it and concentrate on the next issue which is swallowing a radioactive capsule for my overactive thyroid. Really hoping I glow in the dark afterwardsgrin

It can take 6-12 months to be approved as a foster carer so whats stopping yousmile

Best of luck whatever you decide x

ElectricSheep Fri 25-Jan-13 16:56:32

Hi EMIN I hope it was not too bad today. How are you now?

I've been thinking of fostering for some time now (my DC are all older) and only one still at home. YOur posts are very very impressive, you have such dignity.


EarthMotherImNot Thu 24-Jan-13 08:52:33

Thank you MonaLisa, I'm doing ok apart from a dreaded visit to hospital tomorrow when I have to have an ERCP, a camera down my throat (shiver) x

M0naLisa Mon 14-Jan-13 16:28:45

I know this is a very very old thread but after reading it I just want to say through tears that EMIN you are such a brave woman and inspiration to many.
Reading the story about the baby girl who was drug dependant was heartbreaking.
Then after reading about your life struggles with your health made the tears fall more. Hope you are ok and recovering well? Xxx

bonnieslilsister Sun 19-Aug-12 16:35:06

I hope you continue to feel better dogs we do have a hard job at times. I am about to move children on too. They have been with me so long I feel as if they are mine, although I know they are not. Hope you get the support you need thanks

EarthMotherImNot Sat 18-Aug-12 16:04:27

I always leave it to the adoptive family re contact. I do ask if they can ring/text to let me know they've settled. They usually do this but physical contact is totally in their hands as it should be. I'm consious this is the most difficult time for them, a new family takes some getting used to and can be overwhelming so contacting the foster family often gets forgotten.

It is soul destrying to the carer if contact is promised and doesn't happen though. I feel for you having recently had to give up fostering after almost 25 yearssad

dogskidsandchoas Sat 18-Aug-12 13:50:06

Thanks for the reply. I have been fostering for about 8 years now. But this is the first time we have moved children on to adoption. It feels overwelming as well as feeling disullusioned by the service.
Should we ask to see them again i dont know what the protocol is in this situation
It does feel like a bereavement. No one tells you that is how you will feel, where is the support to help foster carers with this feeling?
Feel a liitle less overwelmed today hopefully tomorrow will feel better again. Thanks again for your comments

EarthMotherImNot Sat 18-Aug-12 08:49:19

Hi dogskidsandchaos smile At first you will think you will never get over the pain and acute sense of loss, almost, without being disrespectful, a feeling of bereavement. You will, I know from experience that this is short lived.

Try to keep busy and get ready for the next set of little ones who will need you.

Is this your first placement moving on can I ask?

dogskidsandchoas Fri 17-Aug-12 17:41:50


EarthMotherImNot Thu 19-Jul-12 05:26:56

Small world indeedsmile Dh and I were brought up in a small shipyard town between Newcastle and Shields, our 3 dc's were born in the maternity unit at Shieldssmile

Thank you Tulips I will do x

TulipsfromAmsterdam Wed 18-Jul-12 17:34:26

Sounds like we are nearly neighbours smile We are between Newcastle and Shields. If you ever need anything PM me x

EarthMotherImNot Wed 18-Jul-12 14:37:33

ooh me too, well ish. Between Newcastle and Sunderland closer to the lattersmile

TulipsfromAmsterdam Wed 18-Jul-12 13:16:18

I am in South of Tyne area, whereabouts are you?

EarthMotherImNot Wed 18-Jul-12 05:23:07

Thank you Tulips, curiosity makes me ask (not nosinesswink) what part of the north east?

TulipsfromAmsterdam Tue 17-Jul-12 22:52:31

Good to hear from EMIN, hope you are feeling a lot better soon. Agree it is a small world as I am in the north east also smile

Also a lovely message from Ello smile

MrsRhettButler Tue 17-Jul-12 18:49:36

I've been reading this thread crying the whole way through, wish you all the best EMIN and Ello too.

I really really hope your health improves, if anyone deserves it you do smile

EarthMotherImNot Tue 17-Jul-12 15:19:16

Heavens Ello, it's a small world and no mistake. Quite spooky toohmm

EarthMotherImNot Tue 17-Jul-12 15:17:39

Steady on Stateofplay, you'll give me a swollen headwink Many thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot truly. smile

Ellovera Tue 17-Jul-12 15:16:51

That's interesting and mirrors my own life , as I asked to be put back into care at 11 as I had enough. And i dread to think what would have happened had I stayed there. And my mum is still the same, now aged 60! But maybe the fact that I knew different helped me be strong enough to say no. That's what you did :-) the difference you make is just huge .

Bugger I'm the opposite end of the country :-(

Stateofplay Tue 17-Jul-12 15:14:22

I opened this thread randomly then read it with tears in my eyes. I knew little about foster care, apart from that there is a national shortage of them, but know a little more now and couldn't click away without letting you know EMIN how inspiring you are. I feel uplifted by reading your posts, and inspired to try and make just a fraction of the difference to children in the world today that you have. Your legacy - dedication, devotion and love - will indeed go on and on and on, as Ellovera said.

I wish you all the best with your health problems, and your pragmatic and brave battle against breast cancer. I hope you are able to return to foster caring in the future, but even if you retire I think you can afford to sit on your laurels and think about the positive difference you have given to over 80 children... Perhaps the National Fostering Society could draw on your reflections of three decades of fostering by interviewing you, or having you speak at a conference - I'm sure you could inspire many others to become foster carers.

You are surely one of that vast group of humble people who really make a difference in our communities, and should be carrying one of those Olympic torches this summer!

EarthMotherImNot Tue 17-Jul-12 14:53:19

I'm in the northeast Ellovera. You reminded me of a lo we had for a while until she was almost 3. SS felt she would be "ok" if she returned home. I worried and, yes, grieved for the lo for a long time.

Out of the blue a foster carer rang me 8 years later asking if we remembered the child. She would be 11 by then and had turned up one day at social services and demanded to be put into care or she would harm herself. Nothing at home had changed and she simply couldn't bear it any longer. A brave little girl determined to escape!

The child remembered us and consequently had no fear of foster carers, her memories were of safety and laughter. Sadly her family felt she should forget her time with us and on her return to them as a little 3 year old made the decision to rip up her life story book filled with a couple of years worth of photo's etc.

Luckily, hoarder that I am, I had a few in a box of her with us and I was able to send them on to her.

Ellovera Tue 17-Jul-12 14:39:15

I don't know where you live but if it's anywhere near me I'd like to help . If I can.

I had some lovely foster parents , well ok one, but remember it with warmth and comfort and even though I had to go back "home" and faced difficult circumstances , that warmth has always stayed with me and shown me how I wanted my own house to be. You should be very proud of yourself,, and your husband too. I have helped to foster babies too and seen the drug addictions and seen my own family members struggle with it. Thank you for not judging the parents too much, It's very hard ..

From the bottom of m heart, thank you for your love . It gets multiplied, and passed on to our own children and also to the many children I babysit , nannied, Childminded, helped foster, nephews nieces , etc etc etc!

It goes on and on and on :-)

EarthMotherImNot Tue 17-Jul-12 13:56:44

Ellovera smile many thanks for your beautiful post. I know you're probably not "one of my lo's" but it feels as though you could have been and you are saying everything they would say if they could. I will treasure your wordssmile

ECR I'm up and down reallyhmm after surgery i belived that was it, I would be fine. Sadly it has just been the start. It feels strange that I had no symptoms other than a dodgy hip when I first saw my GP. It has stretched now to osteoporosis and just lately, an over active thyroid has prevented my reconstuctive surgery from going ahead for the time being.

I feel well in myself, I get tired easily but thats the medication I'm told, and oh, I do miss my little onessad

Thank you so much for thinking of me thoughsmile It has cheered me upgrin

ElephantsCanRemember Tue 17-Jul-12 08:50:51

Ello What a lovely heartfelt post thanks

Earth How are things?

Ellovera Tue 17-Jul-12 08:45:38

I know these posts are somewhat old now but I just wanted to say through my tears of reading about the little girl you fostered and all her struggles, , thank you. I was one of those babies once . My heroin addict mum took me out of special care . Anyway a lifetime in and out of care etc etc . Messy life. But thank you. FOr being a constant in a turbulent world. For cuddles where there would have been none. For safety. For putting us first. For showing us that there is a life other than what we know and or showin us the person that one day we would like to be . And that we can pass that on to others too.

I'm sorry you are poorly and struggling . I wish you well and the strength to overcome.

Love and hugs back to you.

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