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I think we've reached the end of our road

(175 Posts)
EarthMotherImNot Tue 22-Feb-11 17:18:22

Title says it all reallysad

Since our last lo left a few weeks ago Dh and I have endlessly discussed whether to carry on as Fc's.

Her leaving affected us both badly, probably due to her difficult start in life and how intensely we worked with her for so long.

I have a supervision meeting due in a week or so and I'll probably tell my sw then.
We very much want to see our current lo on to his adoption next month but I'm worried they'll move him instead so I'm considering just keeping quiet until he leavesblush

It hasn't been an easy decision and I've dithered about it some days but we aren't getting any younger and the paperwork and training seems neverending and often not even geared to our age group.

I get tired of hearing sw's speak of manditory training when we are, in effect unpaid childcare.

I think the last straw was being "told" I "must" attend a course on "managing difficult behaviour" we foster newborns for gods sake!

corsa100 Sun 27-Feb-11 21:47:41

Awww EMIN. So sorry you are going through this trauma (and trauma it bloody well is!)

I was in exactly the same position two years ago. LO was so attached to me and I also had a very strong bond with him. When he was placed for adoption I requested to adopt him, but SS wouldn't hear of it. Told me as he was only 18 months old they would have no problem finding a "Suitable, loving family" for him. Hence my very first vitriolic argument with LA. It appears that foster carers are fine to deal with the demands of damaged children, and all that working with thier birth families brings, not to mention the sometimes unreasonable demands of a newly qualified and clueless social worker. BUT after giving your heart and soul to a LO, foster carers feelings and knowledge are discarded onto the shitpile. (Sorry for my language blush but your post has brought it all back to me.

Another time I was begged to adopt a 12 year old (who was so badly damaged that she was deemed to be unadoptable by a "suitable, loving family").

I really hope you stay to provide another LO with the love and security he or she desperately needs.

I honestly dont know if it is best for you to take a break whilst you get your head, and heart, together or dive straight in to another challenge but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Take care

EarthMotherImNot Mon 28-Feb-11 10:44:03

Thanks guyssmile

I too have been "begged to adopt 2 brothers classed as unadoptable. We seriously thought long and hard about it before reaching the conclusion that it would be too much for us.

We later heard the older of the brothers is now in a secure unit after sexually assaulting 2 little boyssad

We are still thinking about whats next for us but at the moment I'm struggling with the fact that following a call from my sw it would appear that they have "lost" some of my CWDC work and, according to sw I "must" do this work again before her visit at the end of this week.

On top of all this I have apparently been fine £100 because I didn't fill in my tax return on time.
We were told we must be deemed self employed and sort any tax issues ourselves last year but that we would be classed as exempt from tax.

A call to said sw this morning asking for advice about this resulted in her telling me the worker assigned to assist fc's with tax issues no longer works there due to funding issues.

Support ha don't make me laughangry

sumum Mon 28-Feb-11 13:43:21

You should not have to pay the fine for tax, they cannot fine you more than you pay in tax and as you will pay no tax then the fine will be reduced to zero.

Do not worry about it, ignore it and the tax office will sort it. This has happened to me several timesblush

Regarding your cwcd your la should be helping you with the work as the emphasis is on them to ensure you are up to date not on indervidual carers. Tell them you will need support with it and you will do it WITH the worker when she comes to see you, during the visit.

Good luck, you could do without this stress. x

EarthMotherImNot Mon 28-Feb-11 16:00:01

Thanks sumum, I won't pay anything until I hear otherwise.

As for working with the sw, she is a trainee and A; she is not on the ball with CWDC stuff and, sadly, B; I can't stand the woman. She is slow and waffles on and last time told me she spent 4 hours helping another carer with the work.

I know the other carer and she is extremely experienced and the 4 hours would not have been down to her.

sumum Mon 28-Feb-11 17:22:21

oh dearsad

Is there any info on line to help (our area did do a training course and we all completed worksheets together)

fostering Mon 28-Feb-11 20:14:32

EMIN - sorry to hear you are lacking support but with all your experience have you considered fostering for an IFA, they would bite your arm off. Then all your expertise would not be lost.

Carers are self employed and rarely have to actually pay tax but do still have to file a tax return. Your LA shoull supply all the figures you need. It can be done on line and only takes a few minutes. No need for a stamp even.

I totally agree that you shouldn't mention quitting until your current placement has been bridged to adoption, it would be heart breaking to loose him before he is settled with new parents.

I had heard that the CWDC was being phased out already? It seems unreasonable that you should have to redo a section that your social worker has lost! Perhaps finish the remanider on a computer and print it off, then it can't get lost.

Please cheer up, you're doing one of the most valuable jobs in the world. We all are!!

scarlet5tyger Mon 28-Feb-11 20:44:16

I'm glad I popped in here today now - I too have received a £100 fine for not filing a tax return and was absolutely fuming as I'd been told by an advisor from the tax office that I'd only need to fill one in if one was sent to me. It wasn't. Also, I'm the only foster carer I know from my LA who's actually registered themselves as Self Employed!!!

I've sent off my appeal so hopefully mine will be reduced to zero too.

EarthMotherImNot Wed 09-Mar-11 10:31:11

I have had a supervision visit (gawd makes us sound like criminals on probation) since I last posted and I think what came out of that was that we are at the end of the line.

Since January when lo left we have also had to deal with Dh's mum dying suddenly as well as problem with income tax and constant ear bashing to get CWDC work finished.

Every call from our sw and there are sometimes 3-4 a day involves her panicky voice saying "have you finished yet"

I asked for advice re the tax situation and was told to "get an accountant!"
I asked what a particular phrase meant in the CWDC work and was told "look it up on the net"

She then said "you both don't seem as upbeat today" WTF!!!

I haven't said anything about resigning, I'm leaving it til current lo leaves in about 3 weeks time, just in casehmm

p99gmb Wed 09-Mar-11 11:31:23

sad & lost for words

sumum Wed 09-Mar-11 11:40:45

sad sad sad sad sad

bottersnike Wed 09-Mar-11 11:55:20

Ironically, it does seem that sw and financial questions do not go well together.
It's a shame you are not getting the right support, but I think if you feel that you can no longer continue as foster carers, it is right to make that decision, rather than carry on unwilling.

SquidgyBrain Wed 09-Mar-11 12:02:29

ENIM - It is awful that the very people that desperately need people like you to care for these wee poppets, are the very ones that are driving you out.

Wishing you all the best with your future wine

Minnerva Wed 09-Mar-11 16:28:39

Oh Emin-I don't know what to say.
F****ing CWDC blush-apologies for the swearing ladies but really I could scream! angry
The social workers are completely obsessed with CWDC to the detriment of other more important issues-I wonder if anyone on here can post any light on that and help me to understand why it is such a vital element in the importance of fostering.I do understand why it is ijmportant but surely there are other more urgent and pressing things-I am willing to listen and learn......

Emin I think you have had a very stressful few months and I completely understand where you are coming from-everything has built up around you and it's all too much.You are not an inexperienced carer giving up at the first hurdle-you are a loving and giving foster mum with years of stories and life experience.If you cannot get the support and help from your supervising social worker then what can you do?.

My heart goes out to you as a fellow foster mum who has sought, and been given, advice and support from you.You are a true gem and will be a huge loss to the world of fostering.

I will go now as I am feeling sad and really don't know what else to say.

xxxxxxxxx sad

EarthMotherImNot Wed 09-Mar-11 16:54:04

Thanks Minnervasad and everyone, you've all been my "friends" for so long I think I'll miss you as much as the babies.

I too struggle with what possible use the whole CWDC stuff is, so much of it doesn't relate to us as baby carers.

How do you give children a sense of their sexual identity, please!!!

I used that as an example of how a lot of it is not what we do.
"Think back to when your children were young" she said
But they're not young now and the fc's are too young.

Madness I tell you, madness and a lot of trees gone for noughtangry

Can anyone tell me what happens to these pages and pages of stuff that we will never see again, how will it make anyone a better carer?

Rant overblush

I'm going to enjoy my last weeks with our last lo nowsmile

bottersnike Wed 09-Mar-11 16:54:37

So many posts on here express so well my thoughts too; we have only just started down the fostering route, and already you have been a fabulous inspiration to us.

EarthMotherImNot Wed 13-Apr-11 14:15:44

Well today i sent my supervising sw an email, finally telling her that we had decided to stop fostering and my reasons why.

I've had an email back saying she has passed this to her manager and, as a matter of course, they ask if I wish to reconsider to contact them within the next week or so. If they haven't heard from me in 14 days they will send me a letter confirming my decision.

So thats it, no bells, no whistles no persuasion. Thanks and goodbye!

chocaholic2011 Wed 13-Apr-11 16:34:25

I'm so sorry to hear that you have had to come to this decision as you are such inspirational foster carers and will be a sad loss.

Completely understand why though. Our SW hasn't even mentioned the CWDC yet although has given me the folder (mountain) of work and we are 5 months post approval so no doubt it will be a rush in the end....

Best wishes for the future and hope you enjoy some well deserved rest. Thank for all your wonderful posts which really helped me to understand the work involved with caring for withdrawing babies.


EarthMotherImNot Wed 13-Apr-11 16:40:48

Thank you chocaholicsmile If I've helped anyone with my posts I'll be a happy ladysmile

I wish the last week or so since our last lo moved on had given me the push to continue but sadly not. To be honest if my sw had begged and pleaded with us not to quit I'd feel like I had done a better jobhmm There you go, feel like I was just a number nowsad

PollyLogos Wed 13-Apr-11 16:56:00

You weren't a number though to all the children you have given such love and support to over the years. You were mum.

I can only say that I admire you and all other foster parents, it's something I would love to do but I just don't think I would cope well with the goodbyes. I think you are all marvellous and I feel really angry on your behalf for them treating you like a number.

EarthMotherImNot Wed 13-Apr-11 17:20:13

Oh Polly, thank you for putting my silliness into perspective. Its not about them its about the little onessmile

scarlet5tyger Wed 13-Apr-11 18:53:11

Hi EMIN, it's disappointing to read how you've been treated but I'm sure you're not entirely surprised. Luckily the SWs et al are only one side of the job and you have a stack of children behind you who are now (fingers crossed) living happier lives because of the time and effort, not to mention love, you put into them.

I'm another person who you've really helped with your posts and I hope you'll continue to visit here to keep up the good work!!!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next

PollyLogos Wed 13-Apr-11 18:55:03

I don't think you were being at all silly I understand exactly why you feel like they are treating you like a number.

I also realise that it isn't that you want people begging you to continue or thanking you profusely for what you have done, just an aknowledgement of the fact that you have helped many children would be fine I'm sure. But just brushing you off is very empty (can't think of a better word) I think.

p99gmb Wed 13-Apr-11 20:46:55

Oh EMIN, what a white knuckle roller coaster this fostering lark is...

I seriously wish you & DH the very best and hope you look back on your achievements with utmost pride and satisfaction.

I hope too (being very selfish) that you stay on this fostering forum to help us beginners with your wise words of wisdom.

I think you both are very very special people and if I can achieve a fraction of the good you have achieved I too will be proud of myself.

The love in your heart comes through so much in your posts and brought me to tears so many times - I hope you find further fulfillment in your lives.

Cheers to you both wine - oh, go on then, lets have another one too wine x x x

fostering Wed 13-Apr-11 22:34:05

EMIN - I thought you'd managed to complete your CWDC file???

Give yourself a rest then reconsider, you are badly needed and you will be sorely missed.

NanaNina Wed 13-Apr-11 23:31:38

Earthmother - I cannot believe that the social worker hasn't even been out to see you to talk face to face about your reasons for resignation. This just demonstrates how little your LA values foster carers. Shocking, absolutely shocking.

Have you considered fostering for an IFA or another LA or have you had enough - I imagine it's the latter.

Please don't forget that the unconditional love and period of stability that you have given the LOs in your care will be a protective factor for them in the future, and no one can take that away.

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