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fed up, advice please

(5 Posts)
mrsabadger Sat 15-Jan-11 17:32:24

I am a Singer carer, I have children of my own and foster children, in October I notified my social worker that I had a new boyfriend, he lives very far away and travels for 2 hours to see me, (Ive known him over 20 years) as it was a strong possibility that I would want him to stay overnight over Christmas, I gave her a completed CRB to which she replied "I take it he is already sleeping over?" I told her not yet.
Over Christmas, when there was bad snow, my boyfriend stayed over, also he spent Christmas day and new year with us too. then for the last two weeks he stayed over at the weekend with us. never being left alone with the children, as even though the CRB check around 8 weeks later.
It has always been my understanding that house guests are fine, as long as they not left alone with the children, I have been a foster carer for 3 years, and I have occasionally had friends stay over, because I live far away from most of my friends.
Yesterday my social worker comes to see me and says that I am not allowed to have him stay anymore, because she had a complaint from one of my foster childs parents (only that he was sleeping over, no allegation or anything). Also if I continued to have him stay over, before his check comes through I would loose both of my foster children. I am with a agency, they have lots of rule books, and I have completed my CWDC with them and undergoing an NVQ with them, I read the handbook from cover to cover and could not find a mention of this. The Manager of the agency rang me later, I was already very upset about this, he informed me his call was strictly a formality and he was just reiterating what my social worker had said, also it would be put in writing and sent to me. I asked him why it was not in the handbook, he said that it would be soon, as a result. I also asked why was it ok for me to have unchecked guests occasionally? he said it was ok as long as it wasn't a regular thing.what is a regular thing??? when I'm required to get my family CRB checked I only have to get one of them checked, for example my mum checked not my dad, my brother checked but not my sister in law, my best friend checked but not her partner.??? (unfortunately most of these thoughts didn't come until after I hung up, but probably for the best as I am up for review in March and would hate to rock the boat with them)
I'm really fed up, that we put overnight stays on hold for a long time, not because we thought it wasn't allowed, but because, it was the right thing to do, and now we have finally started to move to the next stage of our relationship, and it was going really well and looking as though the next step of him moving in, wouldn't be far away at all, only to find that we are having to go back a few steps now.
To top it off, we rang CRB to check how long it would be, only to be told that they received the form the middle of December, so it was held onto at the agency for a few weeks before being sent.
My boyfriend is not used to the whole foster care system and has been very good and patient about it all, Before Xmas he had a sister to stay with, but she has since moved, so now it would make things very difficult and costly for him to not sleep here. So now he is seriously considering sleeping outside in his car to save on the 4 hours driving and £50 fuel.

Does anyone know what the rule is about having people sleep over in your home?? I was going to ring the fostering network, but they are closed until Monday

p99gmb Sat 15-Jan-11 19:20:54

Poor you - I can see both sides of the argument here..

I had a friend stay over for a couple of nights back in December, and asked my link worker about it.. she said if it was a 'one off' then it was ok, as long as not left alone with the kids.. but if it was going to be a regular thing.. then they would have to do their own CRB check.. (even though she had her own CRB check - and it was done within the last month - 'they' needed to do their own!)

So pretty much the same as you've been told.

I think you have to try and respect their point of view, and if it were my children, I think I would be concerned too that he hadn't been "checked out" - once due to the snow ok.. but on a regular basis... everyone is terrified about any possible come back (baby P's mother's boyfriend etc) and so they bring out the red tape.

I think as a foster carer, you have to put the welfare of the kids first (and therefore their parents worries) and not your own private (new) relationships. If you've known him for so long, I'm sure you are confident that he is no threat to the kids, but there are other people involved here that haven't known him for 20 years etc ..

I'm sorry if I've not given you what you wanted to hear, its just my opinion, and whilst it seems to you unfair, I have to concur with your agency, and after all, is it really worth risking & upsetting things for the sake of a few weeks?? (CRB should take no longer than 8 weeks - after which time you can ask for it to be chased up - its normally the police check that holds it up).

Good luck

maypole1 Sat 15-Jan-11 20:29:33

To be honest I think this will will be good for your bio kids

You will feel miles better when you know the cut of his jib

And you wouldn't want parents making allegations we all know how they can get

fostermumtomany Sun 16-Jan-11 20:01:24

hi current leg states that anybody staying over in your house has to be fully crb checked. this is from oct 2010.

if people stay over more than once a month it is classed as regularly and therefore they will need their crb.

if your partner was to move in with you you would also have to go back to panel for re-approval which in 90% of cases is refused as the reltionship is classes as new and they state you have to live with the person for 12 months or more to be able to foster as a couple.
its a sucky system but i agree with it in one sense as nobody really knows somebody until they live with them.
alo it does state in the foster carers handbook about the rules and regs on people staying over. hope this helps.

maypole1 Sun 16-Jan-11 20:14:50

Not sure I agree with t his I was a single carer and met my oh we married with in 3 years of being together year 1 dating year 2 moved in year 3 married it depends on what your sw makes of the relationship and weather the Boyf is fully committed to fostering

And considering she has know him and her family for 20 as friends she could be ok

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