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Have I done the right thing or have I just set myself up for single parenthood again?

(6 Posts)
mamanut Mon 01-Jun-09 19:34:08

Hi, I am almost 7 weeks pregnant, the pregnancy was semi planned, one of those just see how it goes with no pressure things. The thing is even though we were had discussed it and both knew it would happen eventually, my partner is now freaking out and is avoiding me which is driving me mad as he was really happy when we first found out.

Our situation is a bit complicated, he's in the military and is going on tour for 6 months when I will be 12 weeks and he will be back just before its due, he said he can't get his head round going away when I'm not even showing then coming back and having a baby. He's also worried about the financial side/too young etc and other usual excuses.

The sensible part of me wanted to wait til he got back before we started this, but I was easily persuaded, wish I had have stuck to it!

Just to give a bit more info, he is younger than me and I already have a son from a previous relationship. My son is 4 and has never met his bi father. My partner and I got engaged just before we found out about the baby and my son was really excited that he was going to get a daddy and now a little brother or sister. My son loves my partner to bits and the feeling is mutual.

But now my partner doesn't want to know. I understand he is probably scared as he will be going through 2 life changing experiences in the next year (first tour, first baby).

As he is based away from home we only usually get to see each other at weekends but he didn't come back this weekend and won't talk to me, he's not a big talker about feelings. So I sent an email explaining I understand how he must be feeling and that I was going to give him some space and I will wait for him to contact me, although I would really like him to come to the scan.

Do you think I am right to give him the time to think or have I just given him a get out?

I feel worse for my son who loves him to bits and I have to keep making excuses for why he didn't come home. It would break his heart if we split up.

Really sorry about the length of this, but this is the condensed version of events!

Poppity Mon 01-Jun-09 19:54:09

Oh my goodness, that's terrible for you.

I think I would give him a little time to get his head around things, but then I would want some answers really.

Was getting engaged a sign of commitment to one another before he went away? Did you set a date?

I really hope he contacts you soon, if you discussed this beforehand then hopefully he will be ok in a day or so? Perhaps he too thought it wouldn't happen until he came back. It will be very surreal for him leaving without you showing, and returning to you being ready to drop. He may be feeling as if he won't be part of it? If you can talk, try to reassure him that you will keep him in touch with the pregnancy as much as possible, I don't know how it works, can you send regular letters and photos? Could you send a video of baby kicking when you get that far?

When you say he freaked out and doesn't want to know, what do you mean? What has he actually said, if anything?

SemperEadem Mon 01-Jun-09 20:07:52

mamanut - don't have any great advice except to see what happens in the next few days or so.

I can't pretend I would be happy with a dp that did this no matter what his job (I am a forces wife too btw).

Yes, he is going to have a lot of stress this year but its not like you tricked him into a pregnancy! He wanted this too.

Give him a little time & space and hopefully he will get his act together. You are right to give him time and space. I am sure he will come back however, you need to make it clear to him that he cannot just run off when times get hard. I love my DH but I do think that the army 'encourage' them to be selfish buggars as there is always something to run off to when you are in the forces angry

I notice that you mention it his first tour of duty - do you think that somewhere deep inside, he is worried about any horrible outcomes? That he may be running away because he now realises that if anything bad happens, it not only affects him but now his child iyswim?

I don't want to be all morbid etc and God forbid anything should happen but I am sure that they must think of these things just before a tour in the same sense that us wives do?

Am also very sad for your little boy.

madwomanintheattic Mon 01-Jun-09 20:13:13

what was your original plan? what sort of length engagement etc etc... for various reasons (mostly security/ welfare/ financial) military couples generally get hitched before a tour (easier on the admin), although it's getting more difficult these days as tours get closer together!
are you living together, or is he just visiting at weekends? i'm a bit baffled why he has suddenly gone underground...

dh went away when i was just showing and he got back when i was truly enormous - i have to say it probably was a fair shock to his system but it's a fairly routine situation... i sent him a copy of the scan photo, and my neighbours took a few shots of me as i got bigger to send to him... were you planning on moving into married quarters when you got married etc, or were you planning on staying where you are? a pregnancy with a 4yo and a partner on tour will be pretty hard work, but i guess you know that. have you got a support network who understand the mil side?

if he's going away v soon, it might just be a fairly routine beginning of him reassessing his priorities and starting to disengage from his current circs in prep. bad timing though, and he does seem to be having a wobble about the pg...

would he consider going and talking to the padre rationally? has he told his CO about the pg? they will need to know, whether you are together or not tbh. the last thing they need is a member of the team with his mind on something else if he's stressing about this...

did he just not come home then? no call, no message, just not turned up? how old is he? has he been keeping you in the loop about any family events prior to and during the tour? have you been given all the information you need?

you need him to make a decision tbh, and i'm not sure that giving him carte blanche to ignore the situation is what i'd have done... either way he needs to sit down with his boss or the padre and sort himself out. sharpish.

madwomanintheattic Mon 01-Jun-09 20:19:51

you're much nicer than i am, semper. smile

(forces wife and OC btw lol - i get furiously practical about unmarried girlfriends wink as invariably they get ignored, which helps no-one.)

really hope he at least calls, mamanut

SemperEadem Mon 01-Jun-09 20:29:27

madwoman - I am not that nice honest! I am actually bloody furious on mamanut's behalf! I noticed that her post said he was younger & this was his first ever tour so thought I would temper my post grin

mamanut - madwoman has some great practical advice regarding contact with his CO and the Padre etc. You may not have those details already but we may be able to help grin

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