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ladies, tell me have I just done something really stupid??? LONG sorry

(54 Posts)
oasisofcalm Mon 14-Jul-08 22:28:50

hi all,

First off, apologies, cause I have posted this on lone parents, but there have been developments, and I cant work out if what I'm about to do counts as a monumental f* up or not, any advice welcome.

Basically, I have an amazing, stunning 11 week old daughter from a 3 month, non serious relationship with a guy currently serving with the Royal Anglians.

The crux of my problem is that at the moment he isnt actually aware that my little girl exists. This is mainly for several reasons:

I didnt find out I was pregnant till I was 21 weeks-HUGE shock well after we'd gone our separate ways.
I couldnt just do the normal thing and ring him cause I'd had my bag nicked with my phone in it (at that point i didnt think i'd ever have need to contact this guy again)
Because it wasnt a serious relationship I only have a vague idea of where his mum etc lives (ie their street) and didnt fancy that route personally

Anyway, after i'd had about a week to come to terms with the pregnancy, I set about trying to contact my ex through the army. My local army recruitment office were frankly (and honestly no offence meant to anyone here connected in any way with army recruitment)total wanking knobheads. They were deliberately unhelpful, rude, tried to put me off contacting this number saying that it might affect my ex's career (at this point I didnt want to potentially aggravate the situation by going all official).
Well, it got to 3 weeks before my due date and I was still no nearer contacting this guy, and an old family friend suggested I try this online padre service that the Army operates, cause it wouldnt affect his career, the padres are discreet, etc. So I did, and the padre was amazing, helpful, didnt judge, etc etc. But before I could email him back with my ex's name and birthday (i dont know his regimental number) I went into labour, and had DD.

Since then, things have been pretty mad, and I just put it to back of my mind, thinking that the situation would magically resolve itself. Last week, I realised that it wouldnt, so i emailed the padre back, and he said that he was in iraq with one of the 2 R anglian battalians, and he would see if my ex was out there, and he emailed me back today, and said that no he wasnt in Iraq, so he has now emailed the 1st battalian's padre, who will apparently be in contact shortly, to see how best to proceed.

WHEW- if you've not all fallen asleep halfway through that...........

do you think i'm doing the right thing contacting him, or should i remove my request via the 1st battalian's padre, and hope he contacts me eventually????
And do you think that the padre was the right way of going about things, or will my ex want to kill me now??????

Sweetpeasmum Mon 14-Jul-08 22:39:35


You sound as though you want to get in touch with him, otherwise you wouldn't have made all this effort. I doubt he will want to kill you or that it will ruin his career (except if he's married, I suppose), at worst he will deny involvement in order to avoid CSA payments.

I think you should do what you feel is right by yourself, your baby and your ex.

BelindaB Mon 14-Jul-08 22:42:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oasisofcalm Mon 14-Jul-08 22:55:34

thanks ladies,

sweetpeasmum, I only made lots of effort cause I dont want my ex or my daughter to be able to accuse me of not allowing/facilitating a relationship between them at some point. He's not married, or at least not to my knowledge anyway!!!

You are right about if he doesnt want contact, but at least this way I know i've tried my best for my child, iyswim???
He is a very morally upright kind of a guy, plus he only met his own dad once so I think he will want contact, even if he needs to cool off for a bit at first
When you say advertising in a relevant place, sounds like a potential plan, do you have any suggestions???

The letter via his mums is a possible goer, but i think i'd only do it failing all else, and I think it would be via postal service, as I did meet his Mum once, just cant remember the buggering house number!!!

BelindaB Mon 14-Jul-08 23:13:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher Tue 15-Jul-08 08:38:36

Go via the padre as they will be discreet and hopefully put you in contact with him. Don't go on the Army internet chat sites as the moderators will not let you post anyones actual name or regiment for obvious security reasons - much the same reason as we have user names on here.

Failing that, send a letter marked private via the regiment at their base.

potoftea Tue 15-Jul-08 09:04:55

I think you are doing the right thing by him and your dd. It's not his fault that he's not part of her life at this stage, but if he chooses not to be once he knows about her, well at least you can be honest with your child that you've done right by everyone.

Maybe call to the street his mom lives on and knock on a door asking for her. If you could drop in a letter to her at least you'll have done your best to contact him. But I really do think you should do all you reasonably can to let him know he's a Dad.

Romy7 Tue 15-Jul-08 10:26:33

use the padre - they are very very capable of dealing with this sort of stuff and there will be no career fall-out. The padre will be the best person to be able to help your xp deal with the shock and work out how he wants to handle the information. the padre is also best placed to be able to negotiate a couple of days off work for the xp if he needs to visit/ sort his head out.

just take a deep breath and do it properly - fannying around with advertising or trying other methods are utterly pointless and just making it even more of a drama than it needs to be.

congratulations on the birth of your daughter - good luck with the next step.

FourArms Tue 15-Jul-08 15:01:22

I would definitely let the padre handle it too. If it's his padre then they will be able to have a quiet chat with him, and help him deal with his emotions. Padres aren't just religious people, they're a support service in the Forces.

If you want to claim support via the CSA (or whatever it's called now), it's far better than he knows now, rather than getting a letter from them as the first he's heard that he's a dad!

I hope that he gets in touch with you and your DD.

Berryred Tue 15-Jul-08 21:29:53

great advice from everyone, just wanted to say congrats grin

VanillaPumpkin Wed 16-Jul-08 13:11:18

Yes, stick with the Padre, and congrats!!

bethoo Wed 16-Jul-08 13:15:21

and i am surethat once his mother finds out she wil want to be a doting grandmother even due to the circumstances.
congrats and your ex will be a fool if he turns down this opportunity.

oasisofcalm Thu 17-Jul-08 23:48:46

hi ladies, quick but significant update!!!!

this is sooo daft and mundane it's ridiculous, but it might have brought my ex a bit closer to finding out.........

This is gonna sound really cowardly, but I have always avoided the supermarket where I thought my ex's Mum shopped since my pregnancy became really visible, as I wanted to be able to talk to and deal with him initially,(ideally) and she seemed the type to recognise faces etc, so instead of my local morrisons, I've been going to the Sainsbury's a mile or so down the road (which I actually prefer).

So, today, DD and I were wandering round sainsburys doing the weekly shop, and I was in the butter/cheese aisle, when I saw my ex's mum at the other end. My heart started hammering, and my mouth suddenly went dry as sandpaper lol. I got what I wanted pronto, but I couldnt very well turn round with the trolley and car seat etc and leg it back the way i came without looking really odd and drawing attention to myself (plus the aisle was quite busy). So, I took a deep breath and walked towards the other end as casually as possible. Of course, sods law, she bloody well looked up just as I walked towards her, and first of all, I could see her thinking 'i know her, but how?' then recognition dawned, and then she looked at DD in her carseat, and as i walked past her, I sensed her giving DD the once over.....
She didnt say anything, but she had my ex's little sis, who i think must be about 7 or 8 now, with her, and that's the only reason why i think.


Oh well, might yet save me a job

TinkyPixie Fri 18-Jul-08 08:08:53

Crikey, what an awkward situation! shock I hope you went home and had a big G&T? IMO you did the right thing to carry on shopping and not hide.
How are you getting on with the new padre - any joy?

AnnasBananas Fri 18-Jul-08 08:30:33

Sorry, am I missing something here but if you know the guy's full name can you not just send a letter to him at the unit's postal address?? Get the address details from the padre but then contact him direct, don't involve anyone else. That's my advice for what it's worth.

kerryk Fri 18-Jul-08 10:15:52


sorry caps

Romy7 Mon 21-Jul-08 09:12:29

oasis - just get it sorted out. it's very easy. just ring the unit adjutant and ask them to pass a message on to him to call you. end of. you obviously aren't following the padre route.
it's pretty daft - you are a grown woman with a child.

him finding out via bumping into his mother in a shop is just plain ridiculous.

pickleandme Mon 21-Jul-08 09:36:29

Personally I think you should get in contact with the father which ever way you can. If that means sending a letter (card) via his Mum which simply says 'be great to catch up and you need to talk' then just do it! As everyone has then stated, once he knows he's a Dad it will be up to him on how to proceed. I think anyone out there fighting for their country and seeing tough stuff, would probably be more open to 'the joys of life' and cherish the fact he has a child. But be aware, he may not feel that straight away, shock etc! Good luck

kerryk Mon 21-Jul-08 09:54:43

i think you will have made matters a lot worse for yourself by not talking to the mum as well.

if it was my male friend/brother in this situation, the fact you did not take the chance to get it sorted would make me think you might not be telling the truth.

i would start enquiring about dna tests just now because i am as sure as hell thats what he will ask about.

zazen Mon 21-Jul-08 10:05:40

It's so easy to say - why didn't you talk to his mum? the hammering heart, sleepless nights, stress etc would clear all thoughts out of my head also!

It would be nice to go to that supermarket again and this time be ready to meet his mum, and to ask her has she heard from your ex, and for his contact details.

Also I would ask her if you could drop around for a chat?

Best of luck with everything and Congratulations on the birth of your little girl.

kerryk Mon 21-Jul-08 10:48:22

i dont think it would be easy at all, but this guy has already missed out on the pregnancy and birth of his child.

by now the child will be smiling and doing new things everyday.

how many more things will he have to miss out on before the op manages to get in touch with him. this was the prefect chance to get a message to him or even just ask for his phone number.

Romy7 Mon 21-Jul-08 18:24:41

the OP knows exactly how to get in touch - she has already made the initial contact with the padre - but has chosen not to follow it up. no longer a case of not being able to get in touch i'm afraid - the op knows it is perfectly possible but has chosen not to do it.

her choice.

spottycat Mon 21-Jul-08 18:41:25

Hi Oasis, I think you are doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. It is very easy for all of us to give you advice, but we are not emotionally involved, and that makes it sooo much harder!

I'm sure he'll understand that you wanted to tell him direclty, not through his mum. Fingers crossed you hear from the padre soon, if that is still an option

Good luck!

oasisofcalm Tue 22-Jul-08 19:30:58

hi people,

Just to clear a couple of issues up:
Romy, I have just emailed the padre for the third time, as I have yet to hear anything whatsoever from him since the first padre emailed him after establishing which padre was responsible for him (my ex). So I have not discounted it- I cant proceed with it until the padre contacts me back. I just hope the padre contacts me back. If not however, today I went to the city hall and found my ex's mother's address, written him a letter care of that address, and have just posted it a few minutes ago.

I also have written a note to his mum apologising for not stopping in the shop- but explaining that I really did not wish to be discussing my private business (particularly something so emotive involving so many people)in a supermarket, which I hope she understands, plus some other stuff.

Kerry, I already have a DNA test booked and paid for in advance ready for when my ex askes about it- in his shoes I would probably be asking the same, wouldnt blame him- but equally I have nothing to hide on that score.

oasisofcalm Tue 22-Jul-08 19:41:41

sorry again ladies- bloody computer!!!

This really isnt my ideal situation either, but I know i have tried my best to resolve it in the way that is best for all concerned- i'm not trying to lie or deceive at all.
I possibly should have tried that bit more during my pregnancy, but I was working full time, sorting my house out, sorting my job out for my maternity leave, and then I was quite seriously sick with high blood pressure etc right at the end of the pregnancy, and frankly my child was of more concern to me than her father at that particular moment in time, then after an HORRIFIC birth which left me very ill again I needed to recover and get used to my daughter and her needs, before I felt strong enough to tackle the issue of her dad.

I have compiled a photo album for him of her so that he can at least sort of catch up with what he's missed. I know it's not the same as being there- but then again, he was never going to be there as a full time parent anyway, cause we were split up, iyswim??

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