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how do you cope with deployment?....

(25 Posts)
KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 22:28:43

My partner is away for his first 2 week training after rejoining the RAF this year... he will be deployed next year and i am finding this tough! shock
i hate being without him and he is only training! how on earth do you feel when your partners are deployed?! i dont know if im big enough to handle it!! and this is the really easy bit!

do i need to shut up and toughen up a bit!?

x

3andnomore Fri 11-Jul-08 22:38:44

actually, I think you will need to toughen up, because, well, if your husband knows that you are lonely etc...it will only be a distraction to him.
When my dh was away I would try to not drag anything happening around me to him, and try to reassure him that all was well, even if it wasn't.I did that for all our sake really, because I knew he had to be able to fully concentrate, and not be weighed down wiht personal stuff, to make him able to have control over the situations he found himself in....if he had to worry about home, then that would make his mind wander and that is when accidencts etc.... happen....

I think you just have to become independent in your own personal life and go with the flow and trust your man that he knows what he is doing and that he is well trained, etc...!
Armylife can not work if you can't live without him, it will effect his work...and if that is the case, then maybe him rejoining wasn't the best idea?

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 22:41:31

i know its a good i dea, he really wants to do it and has put it off for a long time..
He doesnt know quite how much i am struggleing, i have pretty much done what you have suggested and just been as supportive as possible! just doesnt make it secretly any easier though does it!

is your husband away/or been away?

how do your children feel?

sorry, i am really new to all this!

kerryk Fri 11-Jul-08 22:41:50

you just have to find a way to cope, especially if you have young dc. they keep you busy and make the time pass.

make sure you always have loads planned and plan something special for you all to look forward to when he is back. we always try and have a holiday when he gets his potl.

i have been married 7 years, been through countless seperations but i still cry like a baby when he goes.

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 22:45:14

ahh.. yes i am sure its always tough however many times you go through it! makes the time you have togther very special though i am sure?!
I am very proud of him for doing this and he is very focused and ready to get back into it...
i think i just need to have secret screams and girlie chats with people to let it all out! because as 3andnomore said, i dont want to distract him with personal feelings etc..

3andnomore Fri 11-Jul-08 22:48:30

My dh has just retired from the army, but we have been married for nearly 13 years now, and obviously he had his tours, etc...but, I suppose I am in a way lucky that I also value the time I don't have him around, if that makes sense...as much as I love him and as much as I worried about things depending of where he was.
I also never followed the news or anything at the time, because I knew I would be informed, on a need to know basis, if anything happened to him, I preferred to stay ignorant, basically.
My KIds never really took that much notice. Even when my dh is around, I always have been the main carer the one that does whatever, which was why I decided to be a SAHM, to give them that constant part in their life. We never really made much of a fuss about him going or never mentioned daddy is meant to be coming back today...I would always be a bit broader, saying that daddy will come back soon, as there is nothing worse but making a fuss out of daddy is coming home tomorrow and then it doesn't happen...!
My Kids always pretty much took it in their stride when Pete was away, it was just normal that sometimes daddy was around and sometimes he wasn't, and whilst they love him, they never "depended" on him as such. Not sure if I am making sense.

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 22:55:30

yes that makes sense, they have always known it to be that way?
our little girl is only 3 so will adapt easily i am sure.. i just wasnt sure about how optimistic i was being in thinking that.. if you know what i mean?

i can imagine me watching the news all day every day, but to be honest your way sounds much better and more relaxed..

i am sure as time goes by and his deployment is closer i will become more used to the idea.. and the moment its just such a daunting thing i really cant imagine him going.

we are really close and spend most of our time together and home and work so i think we will have to start weaning off a few months beofre!!

scary stuff, thanks for replying though.. its comforting to know we arent alone hey..

this website is great i can see me getting slightly addicted!

kerryk Fri 11-Jul-08 22:55:39

do you live on the patch?

that can make a big diffrence having people in the same boat around you. i get so fed up with my civvie mates saying "well you knew what you married into"

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 23:00:11

no we dont..i am not sure how that works.. but we arent married yet so i think that makes a difference!?

where abouts to you live? how long have you lived there and how did you get to? etc..

sorry if i seem completely clueless... i am!

3andnomore Fri 11-Jul-08 23:01:37

yes, living in married qyuarters does make a huge difference in means of the support you get....when dh was last year in Afghanistan the support was nada, and that was most likely because he didn't go away with his regiment and we were already living in our own house...might aswell, that I didn't need the support, lol...

3andnomore Fri 11-Jul-08 23:02:57

being married does make a difference, too, although girlfriends are now in a better position then it used to be...when I was just a girlfriend you counted for nothing....

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 23:06:11

i would move into quarters if we had the chance, i thin being in that environment is important!? i guess going by the name.. we would have to be married first for a while though?
where would we find out about these things?

3andnomore Fri 11-Jul-08 23:15:18

no, once you are married you can move in....your partner should really know about all this anyway, tbh...surely he has married mates...but other then that welfare officer would be a good port of call...
we moved into our first married quarters a few days after being married...

KarisTiasMum Fri 11-Jul-08 23:42:47

he hasnt really been based anywhere yet... training all over the place with other reservists who are getting back into it so none of them are living on base etc..

thanks for the help, i will start some investigations!

twoplusone Sun 13-Jul-08 21:46:37

KarisTiasmum- You can march into a married quarter 2 weeks before you are married.. we did.. even though you are not supposed to live inthem though until you are married.

My dh is coming to the end of his 6 month tour.. he has just over 5weeks left..
It is hard.. but I have found it easier being around people whos hubbies are also away. You become support for each other and helop each other out.. our unit is good at oraganizing family days for those whos dhs have dployed etc.

As someone else said it is always hard and you never really get used to it.. but you do manage.. because you have to.. I miss my dh all the time.. but tbhI am no dreading him coming home and being on potl for 4 weeks.. as I am that used to not having him about.. it will take time to adjust to being a family unit again and not doing everything yourself. (that and we are also posted the week he gets home.. he is home the 19th aug and the removaks are coming the 22nd..)

You will get used to him ebeing away.. just talk the children about it. There is anew package out about how to cope with deployment etc.. we have been shown it at school, get your hubby to ask his unit if they have a package.. as I am sure it was made by the RAF then the army have added there own bits into it.. But it is really good and beneficial.

TBH my dh and I cope with it aswell by sort of drifting apart just prior to deployment. neither of us do it intentially but we do seem to do it.. the last month or so before he goes.. we stop cuddling on the sofa and I becoome the one doing everything with the kids in the ouse and he just take a back seat... It sounds awful, but it is the way that we cope best and find it is a bit easier n the children as they dont have him doing things one day then not the next.. if that makes sense.. I ahope it does,,

Sorry for waughling... HTH..x

Romy7 Mon 14-Jul-08 17:13:52

Karis, is your partner still a reservist or a regular now? if he is a part time reservist (ie RAuxAF) he won't be able to get a quarter even if you are married - if he's full time reserve (ftrs) then he can apply for a quarter if there are any spare, but isn't 'entitled' to one, so it's only there's one free. if he's a regular, yes, you can move in the day of the wedding, or before!
Just thinking about the two week bit, and it sounds like he's RAuxAF - sorry if i've got the wrong end of the stick totally... grin

sal1309 Tue 15-Jul-08 00:02:49

its hard hun and you kind of just grit your teeth and get on with it.

You learn to manage. being on a patch is nice as you have your friends and other support networks to help if needed.

Im quite lucky as my dh goes away on lots of courses ect but has only done 1 4 month det. it was hard and when he first came back i hated having him back as id set my own routine up and he was messing it up lol but you soon settle back in to a normal routine together

Unfortunatly you do have to be married to get a quarter together. Once youve set the date they allocate the quarter to you 2 weeks before you get married but officially you cant live in it till the day you get married

I hope it all works out for you hun and keep chatting to us all if you want

hf128219 Tue 15-Jul-08 07:50:22

Yes, it is difficult! When I met my dh in 1991 he was on Ops in NI for 2.5 years.

Since then there have been numerous deployments all over the world, inc Iraq and Afghanistan.

Try and do something every weekend - a gallery, a museum, coffee, dinner out. Get a hobby! I am not saying it is easy - but it is what you make it.

Just think you can watch what you like on TV, have the remote control every night, as long as you like in the bathroom, the whole bed to yourself etc etc. The list goes on and on!

x

Romy7 Tue 15-Jul-08 09:58:06

NOT IF YOU'RE A RESERVIST!!!

They get all the deployments, but no patch! no other wives to stress with, no-one within 50 miles to call if you are worried...

is he a reservist or a regular KTM? I'm thinking he has to be a reservist as you said you spend all your time together at home and work?

You're still in the right place lol - but you need to be aware that things are very different for part timers - where is his training unit? do you live far away?

3andnomore Fri 18-Jul-08 10:44:19

is being an reservist the same as being in the TA?

KarisTiasMum Sun 20-Jul-08 21:52:15

thanks so much for all of your comments! i havent checked this for days! (sorry)

He is currently a reservist, due to go onto full time before the end of the year i believe?

thanks for all of your help, it has certainly cleared a few things up as i really am so new to all of this! so please, laymans terms at all times!

since posting on here i have had a chat with a lady who's husband is due for his third deployment in october... she says the same things as you guys, that its hard and it doesnt get easier each time but you have to learn to live your life and keep yourself busy...and not sit at home pining! i just think some mental adjustments on my part are going to be in order!

its difficult to really comprehend it also as it isn't until next year.. but i still feel it hanging over us!

i am so proud and they are all doing such an amazing thing so i think i am just going to have to think as positive as possible! (and about having the remote control to myself! ha!)

thanks again to all of you, this site really is such an incredible support!

sunnylabsmum Mon 21-Jul-08 06:30:43

Hi Karis
I've done the deployments both on MQ patch and from our own house and I have to say I found it easier in our own house...mind you my experience of patch deployments was 14 yrs ago and I suspect times have changed.

You may find that the anticipation of it is actually worse than how it turns out. I know I expect the worst and am then pleasantly surprised when it turns out better.

Yes keep busy, pull in favours and agree about not promising when DH will return. In our patch mag recently (Yes back in MQ but it is Cyprus!) they had a great article from a wife of a soldier deployed and they told the children DH was going to look after some camels....unfortunately he got injured and so they told the children that the naughty camel had kicked Daddy..I thought it was a good way to explain to little ones

Take care and good luck

sunnylabsmum Mon 21-Jul-08 06:31:40

Hi Karis
I've done the deployments both on MQ patch and from our own house and I have to say I found it easier in our own house...mind you my experience of patch deployments was 14 yrs ago and I suspect times have changed.

You may find that the anticipation of it is actually worse than how it turns out. I know I expect the worst and am then pleasantly surprised when it turns out better.

Yes keep busy, pull in favours and agree about not promising when DH will return. In our patch mag recently (Yes back in MQ but it is Cyprus!) they had a great article from a wife of a soldier deployed and they told the children DH was going to look after some camels....unfortunately he got injured and so they told the children that the naughty camel had kicked Daddy..I thought it was a good way to explain to little ones

Take care and good luck

pinkprawn Mon 21-Jul-08 20:50:37

I found weekends the worst as most people are closed up with their families- make sure you have something planned every weekend. Stalk your friends as they probably won't realise how desperate you are for adult company. i ended up popping into the local coop sometimes twice a day if I wasn't meeting up with anyone just to see other people!!! get annual passes for your local zoo, aquarium, museum so you can pop along when at a loose end without it being too expensive. You will survive - it is just a bit poo!

glucose Mon 21-Jul-08 22:10:18

Karis,

It is ok to feel like this.

I don't agree with 3nomore that you being lonely will be a distraction to your dp. You need to find a balance of letting him know you will be ok, but you do miss him and need him in your life -otherwise he will get to thinking you actually don't need him around.

whether you live in an MQ or the moon - you need a few friends who you can talk to and understand your situation.

Having a partner who works away is bad enough, one who goes goes away on tours is really stressful. Some cope by 'toughening up' For me I just expect there are going to be days during tours where I simply crumble with misery, and other days I really like having my own space. Best of all is when my DH comes home. GOOD LUCK!!grin

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