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should I tell him!

(16 Posts)
hayle Sun 21-Aug-11 20:39:07

Hiya Iv been with my partner for almost 7 years and hes off to sandhurst in september. Weve had some real ups and downs since he decided hes oiing the Army - especially at first.
However weve well Iv just come to terms with the idea and we are setteling into a plan!

However.............3 days ago i found out im pregnant with our first baby! It wasnt planned and although its pretty rubbish timing i think im actually quite happy about the news! My partner however is going to totally panic! We are in a strong relationship but are not silly enough to think that him joining into the Army isnt going to toally change everything, and being realistic we dont no if our relationship is going to handle it until he actually goes!

I know that if i tell him now he will consider not going or at least feel bad about leaving at this time and its going to add a big pressure to him which he doesnt need.

I dont no if its better to keep it to myself and tell him once he's done his first 5 weeks so he can concentrate fully when he arrives, and he doesnt leave with any guilt, or start thinking that he shouldnt go!

I no uits a personal situation but id really appreciate some advice!
I dont plan to tell anyone until he knows - apart from the internet of course lol so cant talk this through with my friends.

Thanks

Hayle x

swingingcat Sun 21-Aug-11 21:14:19

Did birth control fail?
Are you ready for a child? Could you cope alone, emotionally and financially as a one parent family?

These are the questions I would ask myself if I find myself if your situation.

jcscot Mon 22-Aug-11 15:28:23

I think you ought to tell him before he goes, so you can discuss all your options and so that he's making an informed decision. It would be extremely unfair of you to wait until the course has started and then tell him, perhaps causing him to want to to drop out. Depending on his age, he might be able to ask for a deferral of his start date which would give you more time to make up your mind about things. Depending on how far on you are, the birth may well coincide with an exercise that he cannot miss, so you need excellent support in place in case he's not around.

Are you married? If you are, you get more support and are entitled to housing (albeit not on camp at Sandhurst but nearby) which might make things easier.

Please feel free to ask any questions. My husband went through Sandhurst while we were engaged and it was a tough year. We were also posted there for two years when he was on the DS, so I have a good idea of how things work.

shesgotherlipstickon Mon 22-Aug-11 17:54:18

I'm going to be straight up here. Was it "accidently" on purpose. In the hope he wouldn't go? Or would defer.

Your post sounds slightly immature, you have obviously been arguing over his career choice and are only just starting to come around to it. You don't even know yet if your relationship will survive the "test".

He does deserve to know absolutely. This is however a massive career oppertuntiy if you are trying to force his had, it won't work. Wiser people can tell you that. Trying to stop your loved one progressing will fuel resentment. It will come full circle and bite you on the bum later. If he feels pushed into giving this up now, or trapped, then it could well cause issues later. In fact I gte it.

Before people jump one me, I do know it's both the partners responsibility etc, but I'm replying as I see this post. TBH sometimes people need reality spelling out.

He has the oppertunity of a life time, I think you need to be clear, with what you expect, and what you expect of him and for him to do. If he goes can you cope? Can you live by yourself? You don't know if you will make it as a couple after training, what happens with a baby too? If he gives it all up for you and the baby. How do you think he's going to feel about that down the line? How do you think it will affect your relationship? What will he do for money or a career if he gives this up? When do you think regrets, if any might start creeping in?

Basic training and trade training is only the start, welcome to a life of basically being a single parent. Having to suck it up and get on. It's fun but my god a difficult life.

I wouldn't want to be a fresher "wife" whilst having to deal with adjusting to motherhood in all honesty. Plus as a dp, not a dw, you won't get much help from the forces, or many concessions, wrt, leave, help, support, compassionate leave.

I'd think very carefully about what you are going to expect from here on in. If you don't even think you will survive the test on your relationship when he joins, you are going to have a shock with a baby too. If he does give it all up as he feels he has too, you may also find your relationship deteriorates.

So yes tell him, but you need to think very carefully about the possible outcomes.

madwomanintheattic Mon 22-Aug-11 18:40:34

really?

forgive scepticism. i've spent too many manhours chasing soldiers whose girlfriends find themselves pg.

well, it's his baby, so he has the right to know. hopefully this isn't a last ditch attempt to coerce him to give up his vocation, but hey ho, what's done is done. just tell him, and be honest with both yourself and him.

are you happy to be a single parent (whether or not you remain together? - unfortunately it will be pretty much that case for the next year or two whilst he establishes himself)

did marriage ever figure on the cards? from a paperwork pov it's easier (in case he is injured or dies in service, as well as boring stuff like housing) presumably as you've been together for 7 years and have been discussing his service at length the subject has come up? it's boringly old-fashioned but most choose to get on with it as a practical necessity.

are you working? where do you live in relation to family/ support network? if he fails sandhurst (really not unheard of!) does he have a fall back plan which would include catering for a family?

good luck, but get on with it and tell him. he has the right to know.

it might be a happy accident. it might turn everything upside down. only one way to find out, really.

SouthStar Tue 23-Aug-11 03:58:55

I dont see how you think its your right to keep it from him, he has a right to know.
If he decides not to go then that is his choice.

If he does decide to go then you need to prepare yourself for doing everything alone. Midwife appointments, scans and even the prospect of giving birth without him. If your ill the chances of him getting time off to be with you are slim to none.

You say he doesnt start untill september and you want to then wait another 5 weeks to tell him..... thats just being selfish giving yourself all that time to get used to the idea but springing it on him when you would be due your first scan!

Wabbit Tue 23-Aug-11 04:10:23

I think you should tell your man - you sound as though you don't want to put him off going and I can understand that, but if you say you're totally supportive of his decision to go as well as keeping your baby then he will be free to make his own decision.
What I guess I'm trying to say is, it's how you say it, not what you say!

Seven years is a long time to be together, the best of us have our ups and downs you know, they make us stronger in the end!

Have you ever talked about marriage?

hayle Tue 23-Aug-11 11:12:32

thanks for all your replies - wow lots of skeptics on here!

firstly No this was 100% not a way to try and trap him or make him change his mind about going, hence the reason im unsure if I should tell him before he leaves as I do not want him to feel like he shouldn't go! Yes at first the idea of him leaving was a difficult one, but i totally support his choice.

I don't think its immature to say that I don't know if the relationship will work once he leaves, infact its the opposite, its realistic! Im not a young girl who thinks babies make things better, im almost 28 and am fully aware of how difficult it would be with him being with me, let alone without him!

Yes we have spoken about marriage we are engaged and plan to get married next christmas. We also have spoken about starting a family but being a realist the plan was to see if we were as strong during and after sandhurst as we are now. Im not stupid i know sandhurst will change everything, I dont care how amazing a relationship is, you'd have to be pretty naive to think that everything was going to stay the same and there was no chance that the relationship wouldnt work once he leaves. Relationships and marriages can fail at any time with or without major changes, I was just being honest saying I don't know what will happen, I don't think that makes me immature!

We are a strong couple, I run several business all of which I can run from home which would of course make life easier with a baby, I am also financially stable without him, and both our families live within an hour of us.

Im not selfish and OF COURSE i want to share the news with him, I just understand how much pressure he is going to be under when he arrives, he's a total worrier even when things are going perfectly to plan, and I don't want him to be thinking of how i'm doing in the first few weeks when he should be focusing on his training.

The pregnancy was not planned and I have an implant fitted I'm not the kind of girl to pretend im on the pill or anything ridiculous. I love my fiance very much and we are looking forward to sharing our lives together, as I said we have been in a relationship for 7 years and have been friends for about 11/12. Iv never kept anything from him until now I dont believe a relationship can survive without honestly. Im a strong girl and I know that with family and friends support i can manage, im more worried about him than i am myself.
I know this is an opportunity of a lifetime for him and i want him to embrace it whole heartedly.

x

Scootergrrrl Tue 23-Aug-11 11:19:33

You know him best - do you think he would be spectacularly pissed off if he knew you'd known about the baby for weeks and not told him or would he appreciate being able to concentrate on his first few weeks at Sandhurst?
When DH went, at least 10 years ago - the first five weeks were really intensive and I don't think he could call home much.

hayle Tue 23-Aug-11 13:33:39

To be honest i think he may appreciate not knowing until the first 5 weeks are done, but i also hate keeping secrets from from him, and im dying to buy a bunch of baby books, which might give it away lol! Plus as a lot of people on here said its his baby to and he deserves to know straight away - really cant decide whats best.

Wabbit Tue 23-Aug-11 16:34:24

Well, sounds as though you have your head screwed on, stick by what I said though, I think it's going to be the way you give him the news that will influence how he takes it... please give telling him another thought.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy smile

TheOriginalFAB Tue 23-Aug-11 16:37:32

Yes, you should tell him.

madwomanintheattic Tue 23-Aug-11 22:03:34

what happens if you miscarry? not being macabre, when i was pg with dd1, dh was in germany and i was still serving in the uk. we told our folks quite early because if i miscarried in the first trimester, dh would be away and i would need some support... so it was easier to make sure people knew earlier so that i had a support network. presumably if you aren't telling him, you aren't telling anyone - so in that sort of situation you would be on your own - potentially quite a lonely place to be?

apols for looking on the black side - but as you said, you are a realist, so you need to run through different scenarios in your head.

i'm stunned that you're realistic enough to have decided on a lengthy engagement just to test the waters around the sandhurst/ army equation though. that sounds like a really pessimistic way to start a marriage lol! but no-one can accuse you of being an old romantic eh? grin (me either)

MotherOfGirls Thu 25-Aug-11 07:40:34

Please tell him. Having a baby is a much greater commitment, in my opinion, than getting married. Divorce is common but this new person will be with you for the rest of your lives. So while you have sensibly planned to wait to get married until after Sandhurst, events have overtaken you. You must plan your future together. Sandhurst will be tough and so will starting a career as a junior officer who already has a baby and partner / wife - you need to talk about all of this now.

Also, I agree that being married will make life much easier - the Army is still pretty old-fashioned and entitlement to housing etc is dependent on this.

Good luck and congratulations smile

hayle Sun 04-Sep-11 09:19:19

Hi ladies jut an update,
I told him.....and he was over the moon! I never expected the reaction i got. Of course he is nervous and is worried about me goin through a lot of it without him there but hes positive that with our families on side I can do it. Infact he said the night we didn't use protection he was secretly hoping I'd get pregnant - and there was me worrying smile
I no it's going to be the hardest year ever but at least when he's gone iv got a distraction and he said rather than him worrying when he's away it's going to make him work ever harder cos he knows he has to do well for his little clump of cells back home lol.

Glad I told him- don't think i could have kept it from him just totally had a panic when the little blue line appeared smile

MotherOfGirls Thu 08-Sep-11 04:38:36

Great news, hayle. Good luck to you all.

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