Is it just me?????(17 Posts)
Can anyone please tell me if it's me with the problem or what the hell is going on???? I have been living apart from hubby since we been together, thats about 7 years. Now we have decided to live together so me and the kids are moving with him. As it is we both very fiery kind of people but I'm really struggling with been around him right now. He is so military with me and kids. Yes obviously this week with us moving it's been very stressful but seriously why is he so strict all the time. He freaks out if i cut him short of what he was saying or for not listening to what he has told me. Is there anyone out there that has had the same thing?? I feel like I've made the wrong decision and actually feel like ending it with him because I don't think I can handle living like this always. Does it actually get better? Please I'm desperate to have someone tell me something helpful please???? I just can't anymore..
sorry you're going through this. Don't have any advice, just don't like seeing things unanswered, and this will bump it back up. Hopefully, after the stress of the move things will start to get better.
thank you sloggies. wish i knew what to do for the best. hate the feeling of wanting to give up but what else can i do .... I'm only human after all and enough is enough.
It could be that it's just getting used to each other again - living apart in often easier in some respects as you get to have your own space and personal time. It's hard to learn about giving and taking.
DH has been w/e commuting for the past 2 1/2 yrs and it's really tough at weekends. For us, being apart definitely makes the heart grow fonder but then, once we're together, it can get strenuous getting used to each other again.
I think it's the military conditioning that makes them treat us like we're their soldiers. Being in the forces isn't like training to be a civilian employee.
I think DH defo got more grumpy since going on op tour; I still think it's the concoction of drugs they have to take and vaccines they have. Or perhaps it's being under the kind of stress that being on op tour gives (not knowing if you're ever going to see your loved ones again and being under fire etc) that changes them.
Vintage I suspect on your case it is stress of op tour not vaccines/ drugs pre deployment - there is no clinical evidence of that
Well DH has only just a month ago come back from afghan. So that might be some reason he is the way he is. Who knows. Still hard to handle. I am trying so hard. But he insists that i have to change and listen to him. Maybe there's someone i could talk to on camp???
The padre is out of the chain of command too (aren't they???)- so that kind of makes it easier to talk to them - and you don't have to be religious.
Mrssnaplegs - yes, I'm sure you're right and DH does harp on about having a missile flying over his head/war stories etc like it was yesterday! I think the missile thing really plays on his mind.
OP - if your dh has come back recently, then he's used to being in that high adrenaline environment - it will take time to come down from that.
Above links are about TRiM trauma risk management a program designed by a RM that is used in uk armed forces post incident. It is not medical intervention but is carried out by trained individuals. The RN link has better info for families on it
The padre will be able to help
On operations you are almost continually working at a high tempo and under pressure, you are used to giving orders and them being followed. Those of us in know when told to jump we should already know how high and just do it.
It is very hard to suddenly turn that off after an intensive 6 months, it is often our way of controlling our feelings as well
It is often a way of expressing ourselves when we are out of our depth
I speak with some personal experience
Your DH may not want to talk to you about it, he may not want to expose you to what he has seen and done for whatever reason but it is good to talk so the padre or someone from the unit would be a good idea. If you do not live "on the patch" it is often hard for a spouse to find someone to talk to who really understands
If you need anymore help just ask
Thank you everyone for you help. I am not willing to give throw away what I have with him besides how happy we are really. We can get through this it's worth it. I will do whatever it takes to make it work.
My husband gets like that sometimes, sometimes not due to deployment (but probably stress at work) - he seems to think our kids (DD6 and DS4) should respond to his commands - half the time they don't understand the complex orders he tries to issue them! I usually snap after a while and explain we are his family, not military personnel! Don'e feel alone, there are people out there going through the same thing (though may not be willing to admit it).
Padre's and doctors can be very helpful (if you get the nice ones who listen properly to a partner) and also other wives.
All marriages/partnerships take a lot of work - military ones even more so! I hope you work through it successfully.
So pleased it isn't just me being weak. DH does exactly the same to our 3 and me actually. He doesn't accept that we not trained like he is and don't operate the same way. He feels that we go against him by not listening and doing things as he's told us. Got to admit though I'm feeling so relaxed at mo.....he has just left for scotland for a week so enjoying the peace. How selfish of me.
My tips on man-management are these:
-Is he tired or hungry? Make him rest or feed him.
-Has he not done anything physical today? Send him out with the dog or to the gym... Fact: after 20mins of exercise there's so much adrenaline in your body it is impossible to feel down or stressed.
-Have you told him your point of view? Lose your temper if you need to. Show him how you feel (not in front of the kids)- guys don't tend to be terribly sensitive so he may not have picked up on how he makes you feel.
-Always say sorry a little while after an argument and don't wait for him to make that first move. I think sometimes you need to model how good relationships work (i.e. by always wanting to move on together) to the other person otherwise you both get stuck waiting for the other person and thinking how bad they are.
-I've also heard that some physical contact (non-sexual) every day does wonders psychologically to create a sense of "we're on the same team."
I don't have any specific advice but these things are what I consider when we have problems and so far it's all worked. I know some of it sounds like looking after another child, but to be honest we're all a bit needy like that. I can be really moody when I'm tired or hungry so I've taught my chap not to bring certain things up when he knows I'm at a low ebb.
DH has to be reminded that the kids and I do not work for him. All my army wife friends have DHs that talk to them at times like they are recruits/soldiers/idiots. Not sure of the right response, but I usually just flip every now and then...
Missingmysleep yes flipping works in this house too my DH put his clothes away and tidied his kit off the floor yesterday after I lost it with him over the fact that he brought the wrong yoghurts when shopping
yes same as well missing, DP atm is told to bugger off when he starts going off on one, or likewise is also told we are not in the army & if he wants a family life where he can be the boss & rule like that then he can damn well find himself another family/soldier to live with. he'll sulk for a few hours then realise he's being silly.
(also helps that DS will look at him & say you're not the boss mummy is. ) you can also tell when DP hasn't done his phys or been out at work - stuck in the office means we usually have a harder time as he's bored silly. (hence why his duty is always dog walking straight after dinner if not before for an hour)
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