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Did I consent?

(38 Posts)
jessstan2 Thu 24-Jan-19 00:33:30

That's dreadful. Perhaps when you said you'd like to be taken from behind, he thought you meant anally - most people don't mean that. He took it for granted that you did (& that says a lot about him). He'll probably say as much if you query it with him.

Later on you had vaginal sex and I hope you are going to tell me that he washed before going in there after being up your bum.

Get yourself checked and if you're not on pill, morning after pill.

He sounds quite violent to me as well as inconsiderate in the extreme.

Chalk it up to experience, try and put it behind you and take things slower with the next one!

2uncertain Thu 24-Jan-19 00:06:25

Willing participate? - not with any active decision about the anal sex. It happened very quickly and frankly I didn't know what was happening immediately. This is only the third person I have had sex with. When I said my body responded I meant that I gasped in a way I guess could be interpreted as pleasure, and, I don't know how to say it better than this, I was very wet.

Why did I not say no? I don't know. The speed at which it happened? The aggression in that moment? A fear of challenging?

I think, maybe, the sex the second time was an attempt on my part to normalise/legitimise a situation that I felt uncomfortable about....."you didn't make yourself vulnerable again/you chose this/you're a grown up/you can't give mixed messages/you want to leave here with everything seeming alright and no confrontation"......that was my internal dialogue.

Why didn't I say piss off? Again, I don't know. Was it low self-esteem......this person wants me so whatever?

You say "go along with".....I'm asking myself if that's what I did.....and if I did, why? Was it my choice? Was the situation coercive? Am I feeling this way because I think I made bad choices? (In relation to the last question, I did make choices - to meet him, to have sex, to have sex the second time.....but there were definitely choices I didn't make too). Did I give completely mis-leading messages? Was the vanilla/be gentle conversation misinterpreted as some sort of come on?

I'm just trying to figure out what I've done, and why I wasn't able to look after myself.
I appreciate the responses as they are making me think things true. I clearly have no sexual maturity/iq

buckingfrolicks Wed 23-Jan-19 23:30:47

There is no law that says anal penetration needs prior explicit verbal consent

buckingfrolicks Wed 23-Jan-19 23:29:53

I think that's consent. The mans a total fuckwitted scrotum, but you had agency. I consider that a jury would say the signs were that You "enthusiastically participated" in sex.

What stopped you saying piss off pal that's not on? I think it is a more common experience (not the anal bit) that women go along with sex, for all kinds of reasons. It is sad and bad that we do it - I have - and I think women should talk more about what makes us "concede".

HollowTalk Wed 23-Jan-19 23:12:57

why did you not say no? You consented in my view.

Did you not read: though I had left the condoms I brought next to the bed, within a short period of time he had penetrated me anally, agressively, with no condom?

How can you possibly think that's consent?

BowBeau Wed 23-Jan-19 22:59:23

OP said her body responded positively, she remained in bed with the man all night after the incident, then had sex with him again in the morning. Which to me implies a certain level of participation. OP herself would have to tell you if there was further participation such as kissing etc, or whether she thinks the man believed she was participating.

NotANotMan Wed 23-Jan-19 21:55:24

How did she willingly participate?

BeardedMum Wed 23-Jan-19 21:01:19

why did you not say no? You consented in my view.

CosmicComet Wed 23-Jan-19 20:53:45

If you willingly participated without saying no then I’d probably see that as consent.

NotANotMan Wed 23-Jan-19 20:52:45

Sorry - obviously all sex needs consent, but anal sex should never be presumed as part of a sexual encounter. It needs specific, verbal consent.

NotANotMan Wed 23-Jan-19 20:51:59

No. Anal sex always, always needs prior consent and always needs lube and slow penetration. The fact that he penetrated you aggressively without prior consent and with no condom or lube is clearly rape as there was no consent and no reasonable assumption of consent.

PierreBezukov Wed 23-Jan-19 20:49:21

No, you didn't give consent. You were anally raped. You poor thing. flowers

2uncertain Wed 23-Jan-19 20:41:36

This may upset/trigger people and I apologise if it is the incorrect location.

I went on a second date last night. The chat over the past week has been very suggestive, and I believe both our expectations were that we would have sex.
I stated in the chat that I was very “vanilla” (though had said I wanted to be taken from behind, and that he needed to be gentle with me and not rush me) and also that condoms were necessary - for pregnancy prevention as well as sexual health.
We both had prior functions and had had a few drinks. When we met (bar for one drink then his hotel room), things got hot and heavy very quickly and though I had left the condoms I brought next to the bed, within a short period of time he had penetrated me anally, agressively, with no condom. I’m not sure I even realised what was going on at first as up until that moment I was enjoying it. My body responded positively (I had been turned on all day in anticipation of the evening).....I think my brain went “this will be over in a minute”. There had been no discussion about this. I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no or stop or do anything that would suggest I was upset.
We slept for a bit, and had sex again - vaginal penetration with no condom. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, and left this morning....peck on the cheek with him saying “let’s talk later.....or not”.

I’ve been in a bit of a daze all day. Part of me thinks things happened that I didn’t consent to. Part of me knows I put myself in that situation and didn’t make any effort to use the condoms or stop the anal sex. And I did respond to the second initiation of sex. I didn’t give any negative indications while in that room.

I know I felt used instantly, last night, and all of today. Did I want to be used? I know that I’m very sore right now; I know that’s not what I wanted, or would want to happen again. I responded to a message from him saying I had gotten to work and that I needed coffee.

My first sexual intercourse was in my mid twenties, on my first ever date. I again didn’t stop what was happening that night.

I feel like I’ve put myself in the same situation again. I don’t know why and it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m coming out the other side of a severe clinical depression.....things are going well, I’m about to go back to work. I like me again and thought if that was the case I could let someone else like me. Was this self-sabotage? Did I put myself in a highly risky situation again for some unknown reason?

I do have a therapist, but have never explained fully what happened years ago - I’ve talked around the edges of it only. I know that’s the forum to figure this out....but think it’s unlikely I’ll bring it up until I’ve a better handle on it myself.

If anyone has any observations that will help me figure out what I’ve done, I’d appreciate it.

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