Did I consent?(38 Posts)
This may upset/trigger people and I apologise if it is the incorrect location.
I went on a second date last night. The chat over the past week has been very suggestive, and I believe both our expectations were that we would have sex.
I stated in the chat that I was very “vanilla” (though had said I wanted to be taken from behind, and that he needed to be gentle with me and not rush me) and also that condoms were necessary - for pregnancy prevention as well as sexual health.
We both had prior functions and had had a few drinks. When we met (bar for one drink then his hotel room), things got hot and heavy very quickly and though I had left the condoms I brought next to the bed, within a short period of time he had penetrated me anally, agressively, with no condom. I’m not sure I even realised what was going on at first as up until that moment I was enjoying it. My body responded positively (I had been turned on all day in anticipation of the evening).....I think my brain went “this will be over in a minute”. There had been no discussion about this. I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t say no or stop or do anything that would suggest I was upset.
We slept for a bit, and had sex again - vaginal penetration with no condom. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, and left this morning....peck on the cheek with him saying “let’s talk later.....or not”.
I’ve been in a bit of a daze all day. Part of me thinks things happened that I didn’t consent to. Part of me knows I put myself in that situation and didn’t make any effort to use the condoms or stop the anal sex. And I did respond to the second initiation of sex. I didn’t give any negative indications while in that room.
I know I felt used instantly, last night, and all of today. Did I want to be used? I know that I’m very sore right now; I know that’s not what I wanted, or would want to happen again. I responded to a message from him saying I had gotten to work and that I needed coffee.
My first sexual intercourse was in my mid twenties, on my first ever date. I again didn’t stop what was happening that night.
I feel like I’ve put myself in the same situation again. I don’t know why and it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m coming out the other side of a severe clinical depression.....things are going well, I’m about to go back to work. I like me again and thought if that was the case I could let someone else like me. Was this self-sabotage? Did I put myself in a highly risky situation again for some unknown reason?
I do have a therapist, but have never explained fully what happened years ago - I’ve talked around the edges of it only. I know that’s the forum to figure this out....but think it’s unlikely I’ll bring it up until I’ve a better handle on it myself.
If anyone has any observations that will help me figure out what I’ve done, I’d appreciate it.
Hi OP, I hope you’re doing ok this evening. I’ve sent you a PM as well (just saying that on the thread because I’ve not noticed PMs myself before).
Everyone on this thread is really confused. Disregard them. Consent is subjective. Only you can say whether you were consenting or not. From what you have written it seems like not. Whether it was rape in this instance comes down to whether he reasonably believed that you were consenting which seems to be what most people seem to be debating. I would suggest that you seek some counselling in real life. I hope that you are feeling better soon
For an intelligent person, I'm feeling very naive.
I have taken the advice and contacted sarc/haven who I will see later this evening.
There are two things I'd like to say.
1) I asked "did I consent", not "was I raped", or "will this hold up in court/should I go to the police", and thank you for responding in that vein
2) I'm not someone who uses forums/posts anonymously. I'd like to say thank you to you all for taking the time. You have been very kind, even those who are a little exasperated at what I said. It's comforting that there are so many smart and emotionally mature women out there - I hope that doesn't sound patronising.
I am very shocked and saddened by the number of people who seem to think you consented, or gave any indication you consented. You explicitly stated you wanted 'vanilla' sex and were only prepared to have sex with a condom. You didn't even consent to vaginal penetration without a condom - which he also did - never mind anal penetration, which can be painful and injurious and absolutely not a 'vanilla' beginning to a sexual relationship.
Glad you're getting the right support Op.
On your first point, the two questions are inextricably linked aren't they?
If you didn't consent then you were raped.
Really sorry this has happened to you. What should have (and could have) been a pleasurable sexual experience turned into a nasty event because a bloke just took what he wanted. Your reaction to this is so common: shock, confusion, a refusal to believe what has happened. I hope that you get the help that you need.
I'm so sorry OP. I have not been in exactly your situation but similar situations with men. In my case while I know perfectly well a rape charge would not stand up in court because I never said no, I know I went along with things because it was easier, or because I thought I should, or because the man wanted to and I felt I couldn't say no. But whatever the literal truth is about consent these men were not looking out for cues from me, they were not asking me if I wanted to do whatever, they just did it and assumed I would object if I didn't want to. That is not the way decent men - decent humans - have sex.
Without wanting to make this your fault doing some more work on yourself to examine why you didn't say no and why you are not focusing on your own pleasure and safety. In the meantime here's hoping behaviour like this is stamped out if we talk about it.
You’re very welcome OP. I hope the appointment at Havens goes ok. You can access everything through them, all the medical side and counselling support if you want to as well.
What a horrible experience. Sorry it happened to you OP. You’ll get through this, and it will get better. I bet a lot of us will recognise that naïve feeling. We didn’t think this kind of thing would happen to us. You’re not alone.
Many of us, I’m sure, have had similar experiences. I have.
I hope you are ok OP. I’m sorry this has happened
I understand how you're feeling. Like many others have experienced something similar. My first thought is that you did NOT consent to the sex you got. And were very clear you wanted vanilla sex and a condom. However I suppose if you were so drunk you barely knew what was happening it could be argued he was so drunk he forgot the conversation. I do wonder how he reacted to the conversation at the time you had it? Whether that gives any clue as to whether he took it on board at the time or disregarded it? It all sounds like he was very nasty either way.
I'm sure the expert help you're getting will help you understand things a lot better than I could anyway.
sorry posted before I noticed the time since last post. Hope you are ok now op if you happen to see it.
I'm so sorry this happened. To answer your question, no you didn't consent to anal sex with this man. You haven't given any detail about the vaginal sex so to me it seems impossible to tell.
To those posters who seem confused, consenting to one sexual act with someone is not giving them carte blanche for any or every other sexual act.
OP, quite separate to the consent issue, there would seem to be questions open about why you had sex without a condom when you planned and wanted to use them. I don't know if that's a self-esteem issue or a lack of assertiveness but I hope the people you're seeing can help so that you can protect yourself in future. As another poster said, get the MAP and a STI check just to be sure.
Take care of yourself.
I’ve been in very similar situations and I hear you, op.
It’s such a head fuck.
Love to you.
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