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Need Advice - Toxic marriage

(4 Posts)
mommyof3nzd Tue 18-Dec-18 02:05:11

Hi ladies,

I'm hoping some of you can give me some advice. I feel so lost, and I really don't know where to turn. I've been married to my husband for the last 8 years, and we've been together for 10 years. We have 3 children together who are 5, 2, and 1. I really don't feel like I want to be married anymore, and my husband doesn't seem to understand just how unhappy I am and thinks that everything is fine, when it isn't.

We have had some really amazing memories together, but there has also been some very dark ones. There have been many times where he's been emotionally abusive, he's very controlling when it comes to all the finances and making all the decisions - i can't even make the smallest purchase without him having a say in it. I basically have to ask his permission for everything while he's free to be an independent person and make all the decisions. There have been times where he's said the most incredibly cruel things to me like calling me disgusting horrible names that are too disrespectful to even repeat here. He has also been physically violent to me on different occasions such as he's punched me, slapped me, kicked me, spit on me and has thrown things at me. He's said in rage on different occasions that he wishes I would die or just kill myself. When I try to defend myself and I get so upset from him calling me names, he blames me for yelling and says it's the reason why he becomes violent. He has a childhood history of his whole family members being violent and cruel to each other, so this is behaviour that he witnessed constantly growing up.
I've told him how unhappy I am, and when we had a fight a few weeks ago I told him that I went a divorce and can't live like this anymore.
I feel like I've lost all my self esteem and confidence, I've become so withdrawn and depressed. I feel like I don't even look pretty anymore, or feel like I'm valued anywhere. I feel so isolated and lost on what I should do.
I often visualize what my life will be without him in it, and I feel so empowered to want to leave him but then I think about my children and all the responsibilities of running a house by myself with 3 children and I feel so overwhelmed and just stay.
I don't love him anymore, and we haven't even gone on a date in 4 years. We finally ended up going on a date and my mother babysat the kids, and he complained the whole meal about how much the prices were (we even had a coupon!!!!). I just felt so humiliated and numb at that point and he just doesn't even understand.
He's a great dad and helps me a lot around the house with cleaning and raising the children, but as far as anything else goes I really don't enjoy doing anything with him and I feel like I constantly just want to sleep or cry.

I never thought I would be in a place like this in my marriage feeling so helpless and unsure of what to do, but I really would appreciate some advice from fellow moms who maybe have been in similar situations and how you got through it.

I really want to end the marriage but each time I bring up the topic he gets so upset, acts in complete denial that we have any problems and says that he loves me and can't picture his life without me. I just don't know what to do!! I want to leave him so bad but I can't find the strength to just do it!!!

jessstan2 Tue 18-Dec-18 02:18:16

Hand hold here. It sounds to me as though leaving him would be good for you but you have to plan it carefully. I cannot advise, someone else may come along who is able to.


MyNameIsAlexDrake Tue 18-Dec-18 02:25:41

What really stood out for me with your post was saying that your H came from a family who were cruel to each other. Don't let this be the legacy for your own children. One good parent is worth 100 times more than children being brought up in a bad toxic relationship. Be good to you and your children and show them that you and they are worth more x

charis Tue 18-Dec-18 02:31:31

Oh OP flowers He really isn't a great Dad if he treats his children's mother this way. But I do appreciate having someone around helps practically. It took me until my youngest was ten to leave and it was hard, but worth it.

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