I'm not sure if I was assaulted or not?(2 Posts)
Hi everyone, sorry if this isn't the right part of the forum for this. And sorry if I don't express myself right, I'm a little shaken. And please don't read if it will upset you, I guess?
I was just reading over some articles about definitions of rape and different situations and I started thinking about a situation that happened about 18 months ago, when I was 20. I was out clubbing with a friend, and she disappeared. I called and called, and she had gone home with a man. I was very very drunk unfortunately and had no way to get home (I did not think of a taxi). Two men came up to me and invited me to stay at their house, saying it was a student house and lots of friends were staying there. I went with them in a taxi. I was given more alcohol and some MDMA and then went to sleep on the sofa. I woke to one of the men trying to take the duvet off me. I pushed him off, but a few minutes later he tried again, scrabbling at my underwear. I pushed him off again, hard enough that he fell into a coffee table at the side.
I began to get worried, as I couldn't really move or think due to the drink and drugs. My legs and arms were numb. In my mind at the time I thought I had to get having sex with him out the way as I had no where else to go and I was so worried that if I kept refusing he would force himself on me, so I let him so he wouldn't force me. If that makes sense. I didn't want to know if he would go that far so I stopped resisting so I didn't have to find out. After that, I went to sleep but then was woken and we went to his house. I had just given in by then so I had sex with him again there. It sounds so stupid but everything was so foggy because of the drugs and I just didn't care anymore. After that I sort of broke through the fog and he drove me home eventually.
I pushed this to the back of my mind as it wasn't a pleasant experience, and I was so very very stupid. Not only was I drunk, I took drugs, I went to a strange house, I didn't leave. I could have told the taxi driver when we went to the house to take me home but I didn't. I knew it was so stupid and I was so embarrassed so I just pretended it never happened. But now I've started thinking about it...I don't want to talk about this to friends or family in real life as I do want to go on pretending it never happened, but I don't know what to do.
To be honest, I really really want to be told that I am being silly and that it was a bad night and I was pressured, but it wasn't assault. I don't want to have been assaulted, I don't know how to deal with that?
You're not being silly. You were raped. You should really do something about this. You feel bad about it for a reason! This is just horrible and I hope you're okay and can put this to rest one day xx
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