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I'm not sure if I was assaulted or not?

(4 Posts)
Capattack Fri 28-Apr-17 19:21:55

Hi everyone, sorry if this isn't the right part of the forum for this. And sorry if I don't express myself right, I'm a little shaken. And please don't read if it will upset you, I guess?

I was just reading over some articles about definitions of rape and different situations and I started thinking about a situation that happened about 18 months ago, when I was 20. I was out clubbing with a friend, and she disappeared. I called and called, and she had gone home with a man. I was very very drunk unfortunately and had no way to get home (I did not think of a taxi). Two men came up to me and invited me to stay at their house, saying it was a student house and lots of friends were staying there. I went with them in a taxi. I was given more alcohol and some MDMA and then went to sleep on the sofa. I woke to one of the men trying to take the duvet off me. I pushed him off, but a few minutes later he tried again, scrabbling at my underwear. I pushed him off again, hard enough that he fell into a coffee table at the side.

I began to get worried, as I couldn't really move or think due to the drink and drugs. My legs and arms were numb. In my mind at the time I thought I had to get having sex with him out the way as I had no where else to go and I was so worried that if I kept refusing he would force himself on me, so I let him so he wouldn't force me. If that makes sense. I didn't want to know if he would go that far so I stopped resisting so I didn't have to find out. After that, I went to sleep but then was woken and we went to his house. I had just given in by then so I had sex with him again there. It sounds so stupid but everything was so foggy because of the drugs and I just didn't care anymore. After that I sort of broke through the fog and he drove me home eventually.

I pushed this to the back of my mind as it wasn't a pleasant experience, and I was so very very stupid. Not only was I drunk, I took drugs, I went to a strange house, I didn't leave. I could have told the taxi driver when we went to the house to take me home but I didn't. I knew it was so stupid and I was so embarrassed so I just pretended it never happened. But now I've started thinking about it...I don't want to talk about this to friends or family in real life as I do want to go on pretending it never happened, but I don't know what to do.

To be honest, I really really want to be told that I am being silly and that it was a bad night and I was pressured, but it wasn't assault. I don't want to have been assaulted, I don't know how to deal with that?

Camnico Sat 29-Apr-17 09:51:16

You're not being silly. You were raped. You should really do something about this. You feel bad about it for a reason! This is just horrible and I hope you're okay and can put this to rest one day xx

Kinkajoubear Wed 18-Oct-17 16:12:32

YOU ARE NOT BEING SILLY!!.... You were very vulnerable and this guy took advantage of you end off!
Perhaps it might help you if you reported this to the police and then they can refer you to victim support.
If you feel a though you can't speak to the police at this time then try writing it all down - once you have written it all then put it away. Go back to it when you feel strong enough a re-read it.
This helped me as I was raped (this is how my son was conceived) and drugged ...not by a stranger though ! - my attacker was my ex-husband ...... and whats more, he was a serving Police Officer AND Royal body guard !
You must speak to someone though as this is important - I didn't and paid the price xxx

EightyNine Sun 29-Oct-17 20:07:17

I have worked in this field professionally. I really hope you can read this advice and find something useful in it.
The circumstance you describe legally sounds as though it could be rape. Because you were in fear of being hurt right then and there if you didn't have sex with this man. The fear was understandable, you had already pushed him off twice, the second time forcibly, and yet he continued.
This does not mean you have to go to the police if you don't want to. Nor does it mean you have to get counselling if you don't want to. Nor does it mean that you have to believe that this is something reeeeally serious that happened to you if you still don't believe it is. You know yourself better than anyone.
You seem as though you have a very clear and confident grasp of what happened and why from your perspective.
Now that you have realised however that it may be something more serious than you initially thought, for the sake of your own sanity you do need to deal with this. If you need to talk to someone do. Rape Crisis can offer free counselling, there are likely to be other organisations in your area that also do. They are independent of the police.

THEN make the decision about whether you want to tell the police, and make this decision for YOU. You are not under any obligation to tell the police, you are the victim. However, if you think that the information you can give them can stop this man from doing this to anyone else then you may want to. You may also have other reasons for wanting to.

I would advise you to consider dealing with this mentally (either by yourself or with the help of counselling) separately from reporting to the police. They are two separate issues. One is about helping you heal, the other is about stopping this man from doing it again.

What this man did was wrong, no one should be treated the way you were. But you survived, you walked out of there and you're ok! Be proud! And take it one step at a time from here.

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