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Is this sexist?

(4 Posts)
catsinhats Sun 22-May-16 01:56:47

Hi, I'm new here so please let me know if I have posted in the wrong place. This might belong in AIBU, but since it involves sexism I posted it here.

I'm looking for support because my DH and I are having an issue today and I'm feeling very frustrated and alone about it. We have been married for about 12 years now and have had our ups and downs but are generally a solid couple. Things have actually been really good lately because we both switched to a healthier diet and started paying more attention to nutrition which has made us both more mellow and positive overall. In fact just 2 days ago DH was bragging about how good he felt and how he had a new outlook on life. It didn't last long....

We have gotten a lot better over the years about just giving each other time when we get our wires crossed, which has been really helpful, but today my DH said something that really bothered me and I'd like some input from other feminists as to whether this may be a symptom of a bigger problem.

Without getting into too many details - today DH blew up at me over a tax issue that has to do with my job which will cause us to have unexpected tax liability.

Rather than just coming to me and saying, "Hey, we need to look over this paperwork and decide how we are going to deal with this", he went the passive aggressive route and is behaving vindictively. Last night when he came home it was nothing but bad vibes and slamming doors. I finally got fed up with the bad energy and said, "What's going on with you?" He did not tell me and just went to sleep.

We were supposed to go to a craft market today for fun, but in typical passive aggressive fashion he spent the whole time pouting and trying to make me miserable bc he is pouting about the tax thing but not telling me. I ended up walking away from him and looking at the booths myself so I could at least enjoy myself without the constant bad attitude. I still resent him making the afternoon hell just because he didn't want to talk about the issue.

The point is that when we were leaving he said, "Well, I can't tell you things because you always react badly so it's just best to keep it to myself!" I felt very hurt and manipulated by this statement bc the implication is that my reactions are wrong and that he is justified in keeping things from me bc I never react right. I told him I thought he is being sexist bc he wouldn't withhold info from his male friends bc he assumes they will react wrong. I don't know how I will react till I hear the topic, so I feel it is him being controlling bc I am female rather than a legitimate thing.

Also, by react wrong I get the impression that he means having any other reaction than bland acceptance or support. I just think it's sexist for a man to tell a woman, "I'll withhold info from you if I think said info will make you mad" bc it allows him to determine when I "deserve" to know the truth and the only time that is when I will not react in a way that he deems unpleasant.

I feel it is sexist for my partner in life to get to determine when I am "allowed" to know IMPORTANT things bc if not he will just not tell me bc he doesn't want to deal with an unhappy wife. WTF should I act happy all the time? It's such a burden to have all your concerns labeled acceptable or not by someone who thinks they are entitled to determine such things.

So anyways, thanks for listening and any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated.

FishWithABicycle Sun 22-May-16 04:50:04

Not sexist per-se as we have no information about whether he would take the same attitude with a male whose emotional response to facts he wishes to avoid.

Still gittish and disrespectful though. Yanbu.

catsinhats Sun 22-May-16 05:35:47

He would not respond the same with a male. It is about my responses being "wrong" simply because he doesn't want to deal with female conflict. He wouldn't dare say such bs to his male friends.

laurenandsophie Sun 30-Oct-16 01:09:11

Dismissing you as getting emotional/hysterical while he as a man reacts to issues in a more objective way: yes that is blatantly sexist

Behaving petulantly, with passive aggressive and OTT demonstrations of his own emotions, while not simply discussing it because you would react with an emotion: hypocritical, juvenile, pathetic.

He sounds painful and I would've let rip at him at the first display of his stupidity.

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