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Trans issue affecting my relationship with DD

(28 Posts)
buckingfrolicks Tue 19-Apr-16 14:37:30

My DD is 18 lives at home and has a boyfriend

I am old school feminist and brought her up to be strong independent and confident. All of which she is. She's been a vocal feminist at shook and is very switched on to equality issues generally. All good

We started to differ about the politics of trans/feminism a year or so ago. Lots of difficult but interesting thought provoking conversations followed. I ended up asking her not to call me cis for example. She and I are on the opposite sides of the table when it comes to trans issues.

I'm lost. I need a way to manage my feelings. I adore her and am so proud of her and she knows it

Today she posted a massive critical lecture to and of me on my FB page where I had linked to an article about the Green Party's use of "non-man". I have deleted my FB account and feel utterly humiliated. She didn't mean to upset me she is terribly sorry

But I need help in managing this growing point of difference. And to not put her in the feminist-hating camp. Because she is a feminist! But she and I seem to both fulfil the stereotype of the "other" viewpoint for each other. When we talk it's not too bad we find points of agreement but oh did it hurt being publicly lectured by my DD about cis bigotry and spreading of hate.

I have no idea where to post this.

poisonivybee Fri 05-Jul-19 13:21:17

So if she didn't mean to upset you and said that she's sorry, what's the issue? She's 18, whatever the argument, 18 year olds aren't known for their tact on social media.

You purposefully posted something publically you knew would upset her and something that you knew would affect your relationship. What did you expect?

I would keep her well away from the anti-trans stuff on Mumsnet, some of it's really nasty and not nice for an 18 year old with trans friends to read. And the arguments I've seen are really crap, so it really won't convince her of anything. She'll either see it and ignore it, or get into an argument and end up being anxious. No matter what side you're on, keeping your kids away from toxic internet forums is a good idea.
This anti-trans stuff reminds me so much of the anti-bi and homophobic stuff I've felt in my lifetime. As horrible as it is/was feeling like you're invalid or "wrong" as a bisexual, I feel like trans people have it a lot worse.

Also, what's your issue with being called cis?

Spitefulbreasts Sat 27-Jul-19 22:55:17

This situation must be very upsetting for you op, I'd say just hold fast, stand firm and breathe deeply and realise that quite possibly your daughter is well on the way to becoming the proud feminist that you've raised.
All this shit is not personal, it must feel that way but she's finding her own way in the world. She's your daughter and if you can still communicate in real life, then that's good.
The cis affix is extraordinarily insulting., I'm struggling to articulate why it's so very insulting. I'm a woman, I don't need an additional word. Woman is good enough.

Jaredjadon Sun 15-Sep-19 00:02:02

Her developing an interest in transfeminism is in some ways a development of the excellent grounding in what you call old school feminism. She is responding to the ever-deepening and changing world of gender around her. She was unthinking to criticise you on Facebook and it's natural to be hurt by this. YOung people often don't think about the full implications of their actions. It sound s like you have an excellent relationship though. If you want to read more about trans issues I found The transgender Studies reader by Susan Stryker and Stephen Whittle very useful. Perhaps if you read that or ask her what she suggests you read, and you offer her an old school text she hasn't read you will find out more from each other. Good luck!

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