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Trans issue affecting my relationship with DD

(15 Posts)
buckingfrolicks Tue 19-Apr-16 14:37:30

My DD is 18 lives at home and has a boyfriend

I am old school feminist and brought her up to be strong independent and confident. All of which she is. She's been a vocal feminist at shook and is very switched on to equality issues generally. All good

We started to differ about the politics of trans/feminism a year or so ago. Lots of difficult but interesting thought provoking conversations followed. I ended up asking her not to call me cis for example. She and I are on the opposite sides of the table when it comes to trans issues.

I'm lost. I need a way to manage my feelings. I adore her and am so proud of her and she knows it

Today she posted a massive critical lecture to and of me on my FB page where I had linked to an article about the Green Party's use of "non-man". I have deleted my FB account and feel utterly humiliated. She didn't mean to upset me she is terribly sorry

But I need help in managing this growing point of difference. And to not put her in the feminist-hating camp. Because she is a feminist! But she and I seem to both fulfil the stereotype of the "other" viewpoint for each other. When we talk it's not too bad we find points of agreement but oh did it hurt being publicly lectured by my DD about cis bigotry and spreading of hate.

I have no idea where to post this.

buckingfrolicks Tue 19-Apr-16 14:38:05


ItsAllGoingToBeFine Tue 19-Apr-16 14:41:57

Apologies if this is a glib response, but have you considered pointing her to MN? There are some incredibly eloquent and well informed posters on here, and I have seen many posters (I was one) have their eyes opened on the potentially damaging impact of trans rights on women.

She will always butt heads with you, you are her mum, but she might value being able to discuss the issues with others as well with the emotional family connection taken out of the equation.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 19-Apr-16 14:42:11

Why on earth did she post that on your Facebook? Regardless of your political differences, that was very disrespectful. She should be very sorry!

JustABigBearAlan Tue 19-Apr-16 14:43:16

It must be hard, but I think you have to view it as you would any difference of opinion, be it about politics, sport whatever.

Your dd is an adult and is entitled to have her own views and you've clearly done a great job in raising her to be able to express opinions and debate. I think you'll have to agree to disagree on this. It's not a reflection or you or your relationship that she doesn't always agree with you.

If there are topics you disagree on so strongly, it would be best not to discuss them so often. It's great to have lively debates, but if you both end up feeling frustrated and you think it's damaging your relationship, then it's probably best to avoid these situations for the moment.

mamas12 Tue 19-Apr-16 14:51:36

I'm in the same position!!
What I've decided to do is not talk about it and not go on the attack
If she brings anything up I give her my viewpoint calmly and then say I will not argue as I don't want to argue. She is old enough to respect I have a point of view

But it's so hard, I'm going to sound patronising but I can see how she's been swept up with the initial momentum of it all and her passion, but she can't see the impact it will make on women

Oh anyway your dc should be on her knees humiliating you in that way I'd want her to apologise on fb if I were you

YeOldeTrout Fri 06-May-16 19:23:33

Sign me up to the empathy club.
I tried to explain to DD that feminism or lesbian rights can easily be in conflict with TG rights: DD won't have it. I truly hope she's right. We have agreed to disagree over CIS.

You didn't need to delete FB account, surely. Could have deleted her msg on your wall & replace it with a glib bit of humour "Now returning to our regularly scheduled Buckingfrolicks broadcasts" or some such.

If DD ranted at me like that... I would put her in the FB Acquaintences category & be mindful not to post things DD would rant at in public/friends category. And then post whatever I felt like yet again.

Can you link here to the NoMan article your DD took offence at?

YeOldeTrout Fri 06-May-16 19:27:10

ha! I found an article in Independent. Those tweets are hilarious.

AnyFucker Fri 06-May-16 19:27:36

I think that what she did was out of fucking order

Disagree on major points, yes.

Make it so public and so personal, no

You say you are proud of her but she has a shed load of growing up to do

Feminism and respect for your parents are not mutually exclusive

I wouldn't be so hangdog, op

titchy Fri 06-May-16 19:31:12

What AF said.

The issue isn't your differences of opinion over trans issues, it's her blatant disregard for and belittling of you. I'd be handing her her arse on a plate tbh.

TheSolitaryBoojum Fri 06-May-16 19:40:49

My DD is an adult, living at home and this is an area we disagree on.
We respect each other's differences, even though each thinks the other wrong.
But I'd never attack and humiliate her on FB and she wouldn't dream of doing it to me. Joke and tease maybe, but there's a line we don't cross.
That's what your DD has done wrong IMO, and it's good that she's sorry she distressed you. Perhaps with a bit more maturity, she'll learn not to hammer others into the floor with her opinions. DD is working on that... grin
So, you're by no means alone OP.

WidowWadman Fri 06-May-16 19:54:59

She might have seen your sharing of that article as provocation. By posting it on Facebook you invited discussion, you can't expect everyone to just like and agree. Especially if you're already aware of people on your friends list who profoundly disagree with you on that matter.You seem to be pretty dismissive of her views and I can't see how your thread here is much better than her publicly disagreeing with her on Facebook.
I guess political differences with people you love is always difficult to handle. That's for example a reason why I avoid discussing immigration or religion with my dad. But if he starts, I sure will respond. Luckily he's not on Facebook though...

iMatter Fri 06-May-16 20:06:52

Agree with AF.

What she did was hugely disrespectful and deliberately humiliating.

It undermines her argument and makes her look like a petulant brat tbf.

WipeYourFeet Thu 11-May-17 21:17:40

" I can't see how your thread here is much better than her publicly disagreeing with her on Facebook."

I don't think it compares at all. We've no idea who the OP is IRL, much less her daughter!

Voice0fReason Thu 11-May-17 23:30:11

You are both adults and you have differing viewpoints. That shouldn't really be that difficult to cope with. She is entitled to think differently to you.
You could have just deleted the FB post. Maybe it was poor judgment on her part but it was followed by a big over-reaction on yours.

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