Having a problem with feeling judgy(8 Posts)
First of all I want to apologise. I don't like judging other women. I think we should all be far less judgy in general. So I want to try to address my feelings on this. Please don't just flame me (even if I deserve it).
Ok. Deep breath. So, what makes me feel really judgy is working mothers who say that they have to do all the school/nursery runs and emergency childcare because their dp/dh earns more than they do.
It makes me want to scream!!! Many of these mothers were on equal salaries to the fathers before they took mat leave or p/t hours too.
I just think that the workplace will never improve for any of us if so many women put their husbands employers needs so far above their own employers needs.
I think I'm ok to be angry about this situation but I know I'm directing my anger in the wrong direction (at the women who say their dh can't possibly share emergency childcare) so where/how can I more reasonably direct my anger???
Or is it totally reasonable to prioritise one parents job?
I earn less than my dh. My sector pays less. But that's not my clients fault so we make sure to share/juggle the aspects of parenting that affects our jobs.
I judge companies who don't do enough to encourage men to take shared parental leave. I think any company that cares about equality should have made a big deal about the fact that men can now take pretty much all of a child's first year off if the mother goes back to work, and encouraging men to take it, and should be making sure their shared parental leave pay etc is as good as their mat leave pay. But I don't think this is happening.
(And of course they should be doing it in a way that includes gay couples too - just realised what I wrote above doesn't.)
How do you propose these women could resolve the issue, OP?
Do you think they would (subconsciously?) feel guilty about not doing all/most of the parenting? A culturally conditioned feeling that women ought to be the primary carers?
And that many/most men don't want to admit that they don't want to do a lot of child care?
I had a baby last year and have returned to work part time. DH would have been supportive if I'd gone back FT or PT and he still does his share at home too. It was absolutely my choice to go PT because I wanted to spend more time with my DD and I have a very high workload job. It is hard work being at home with a toddler but I chose that and I wouldn't complain about it, I certainly didn't prioritize DH's job, I used to earn far more than him but I'd have been gutted to miss out on time with DD.
There are bound to be some aspects of childcare people grumble about just as there are some aspects of a paid job people grumble about.
Maybe you should read about how Iceland copes with that problem. (I think they give couples half a year that the father gets to stay at home, but only the father can use that - not the mother) After that, you may feel less judgy of individual women and more judgy of governments. Progress!
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