im sorry that this may be too much info, and i dont know where i could post, but this is really getting me down and i need some one to talk to.
me and my partner have been together over a year, i have a 8 month old lb (not his but taken on as his)
please excuse any grammar, this is the first time i have managed to talk about this, when i was 15 i left home, i had always promised my mum i would never lose my virginity until i was as least. and i stuck to that, until i met this lad, i told him i didnt want to have sex until i was 16. we were great together at first, and then things turned nasty. he turned violent and abusive towards me. until one week before my 16th birthday he convinced to come and see him to make things up. ( i know i was a stupid kid). clearly that wasnt his plan as within ten minutes i was pinned to his floor and he broke my promise. i remember it every day of my life and hate myself every day for falling for his tricks. but i was so scared i just got myself dressed and got my dad to pick me up.
since then i have always been scared to sleep with anyone, until my ex (at 17). he was very patient and eventually when it finally happened, ( nearly 19) i felt like i had done something dirty.
from then on i did it for him, i loved him and knew he wouldnt hurt me, but i have never enjoyed it since. when i fell pregnant he left straight away.
i met my current partner a few months later, and as i was pregnant and it felt wierd to him too, we never slept together. until my lb was 4 months old. and it was wierd. i don't quite know how to put this without too much info, but basically i never realised i was supposed to like sex too. as scared as i was, when i calmed down and relaxed i liked it.
The only problem is ive been having nightmares ever since, well more like flashbacks? and i cant quite understand why now? i wake up crying, paniking and my partners starting to worry. which is why im here,
i feel like if i tell him he might leave? or think its too much to cope with? does anyone think it could help with the nightmares? our relationship? or make things worse?
please help me. im scared to lose him
First of all, what happened was not your fault - please do not blame yourself - your rapist is responsible for what happened not you.
Counselling can be very helpful - could you approach your GP for a referral.
I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. You are not alone. Talking can help and if you want to talk to someone, maybe you could try www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ freephone helpline: 0808 802 9999, open
12 - 2.30pm & 7 - 9.30pm
Rape-crisis were very helpful for me. I sought counselling from them for an incident many years ago. It was when my dd was tiny. I think there is something about childbirth that makes us re-asess this stuff maybe...Good luck x
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