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how do you deal with this cos i cant.

(28 Posts)
mouses Sat 14-Sep-13 23:28:41

everything or one that comes into contact with me is ruined, people lose babies, get ill, move away, bad luck happens to them, i get flowers - they die the next day, my beloved kitten died at just 5mths, im just cursed!

talk on a thread and it dies! everyone hates me, im a burden to all, nothing but an ear ache, a bad mum.

im sitting here in tears shaking with hurt. all i want to do is end this pain that i cause myself and others.

PoppadomPreach Sat 14-Sep-13 23:34:52

It is 100% absolutely not you that is "causing" this. Unless you are wilfully trying to actually hurt people (which I'm pretty sure from your post you are not) then there is no way that you can be blamed for these dreadful and unfortunate events.

You are feeling very low, and that is something which you need to try to address. Could you have an open talk with your GP?

But please, please, please do not believe you are responsible somehow for causing these unfortunate but random events. You cannot possibly be responsible.

I am sorry you are going through this, but it will get better if you seek help.

mouses Sat 14-Sep-13 23:44:48

ive been telling myself for years that i will get through this but ive given up hope. i just exist now with the hope that my kids faces stop me from leaving this place.

its daily torment, wanting to be free but not wanting to know the hurt i will inflict on my kids.

PoppadomPreach Sat 14-Sep-13 23:49:56

Have you had any help over the years - medication, counselling ? If you have depression (which I have, but it's currently "at bay") it doesn't just go away. It's so easy to convince yourself that you are just being pathetic, have no value to anyone, and that the world would be better without you. None of this is true, it's the disease talking.

You CAN feel better, but it takes time, and support from others. Have you been to your GP?

PoppadomPreach Sat 14-Sep-13 23:57:06

I'm signing off for the evening, so please don't think I am ignoring you. Will check on here in the morning. But please, please remember that you are NOT the cause of these events, and that your kids need you, and you are not a bad mum at all - you are just a mum that needs some support. It can, and will, get better.

mouses Sun 15-Sep-13 00:03:58

yes, gp knows about it all. awaiting psychiatist app. doubt id make it to be honest.

normally the thought of my 3yo dd being left gets me through these times but it feels different tonight, like the illness has the better edge.

i know if i did any thing it would be with regret and id not deliberately not mean to hurt any one, but it will be too late to say sorry.

PoppadomPreach Sun 15-Sep-13 09:05:19

When you say you doubt you'd make it, do you mean you wouldn't turn up to the appointment??

What you must realise that if you killed yourself, you would be handing so much of your troubles to your 3yr old DD. I know this thought normally helps you throug, and you say it is not now, but please, please try to focus on this - your daughter needs you so much. Nobody will love her like you - and she needs that love.

Please go back to your GP. Are you on any antidepressants? I really think you need urgent help.

Please , please focus on your DD. she needs you. And you can get through this dark time, but you will need to find the fight within you.

mouses Sun 15-Sep-13 09:22:51

im worried i cant fight this until the appointment or anything else in that matter, some times it all seems too overwhelming to go on. im scared that in an act of dispare i would attempt to die.

not because i want to but to be free of this torment.

i will go and see gp, although i dont think there is any more that she can do. i just have to survive.
im on fluoxetine, my meds cant be revised until ive seen psych as they dont want to chop and change?

thanks for talking, it does help. x

PoppadomPreach Sun 15-Sep-13 12:30:31

sorry it's taken me a while to reply - sunday morning always hectic.

can you try and focus on just one day at a time? Waiting until your appointment must seem like an eternity, but you can do it. make a plan at the start of the day - what activities you are going to do with your daughter. do you have a partner? do they know how you feel?

i do think you should still see your GP even if you think they can do no more - if your feelings are overwhelming you, then she may be able to speed things up a bit.

please keep talking here (or PM me if you'd prefer) - I'll talk when I can.

but again (I am repeating myself) - please remember that you are SO important to your daughter, she really needs you, and you will be doing more for her than you possibly realise. and you will get better, find your inner strength (it's there, it just hides well sometimes)

please take care <virtual hug>

mouses Sun 15-Sep-13 14:13:48

thats ok, its nice of you to take time to reply.

its hard for me to focus to be honest, if im not on a crazy cleaning spree or spending spree im zoned out on my bed with no thoughts of moving.

unfortunately my dear dd doesnt get activities with me, find it hard with no motivation. my partner lives with his mum (result of my illness) he knows and is supportive.

some times i feel that my dd will be devestated as she relies on me but then she would be better off with some one who could do more for her any way?

thanks for your time

PoppadomPreach Sun 15-Sep-13 19:50:45

Could you think of maybe just one thing you could do with your DD? Even if its going to Starbucks/costa and choosing a cake. I used to take my DS to WH smith, let him choose a comic (octonauts is good as it has lots of stickers) the. Get your coffee and cake and do some of the puzzles in the comic.

It was good to get out the house, and DS loved it. It might just break your routine?

Can totally understand how difficult it is to focus though - everything can seem just pointless.

Please try and see your GP though. Also, do you have friends nearby you could talk to - do any of them know how you feel?

There is no doubt though, that your DD would be devastated if she lost you. And the pain would get harder and harder over the years as she became more aware of the significance. Please try to realise how important you are (and that you will feel better, and you will have fun with her again - it's just hard for now)

Keep talking - I'll listen and reply when I can.

mouses Sun 15-Sep-13 21:14:33

that sounds really special written down like that, for me some days a room full of people would just make me panic. i must sound like i dont even want to try, but honestly i do go out, some days i feel like every one is staring at me then other times im in my own world and feel it only me out there! crazy as it sounds.

i have a close friend who is supportive, tho she is going through a rough time herself and i try not to put it on her these days.

i understand how it would effect the dc's, it does keep me fighting. can be hard times tho

thankyou your very kind

PoppadomPreach Sun 15-Sep-13 21:34:56

If you don't want to sit in a cafe with other people (and I understand) then why don't you get the comic, choose some nice cakes/biscuits from a shop, then either go to the park (though weather not so great at the moment!) or, if park a bit busy, just go home and sit and do puzzles?

To get through summer holidays, I have a plan and at certain times of the day I do planned things with kids - even just playing a game, or building lego. I also planned certain (simple and inexpensive) trips that I would do on specific days of the week (e,g, library or local park). Havin that an saved my sanity and though I probably stuck to it less than 50% of the time, I knew that it was my fallback in event of not knowing what to do.

Why don't you just think of 2 places to go this week with your DD (even if just for an hours or so) and see if that helps. You could also plan to watch Tv at specific times (if she has favourite programme?). You could also try to meet with your good friend - you don't have to talk about your specific issues - just get out the house?

I'm rambling a bit now, and I don't know if any of this makes sense. But I just find/found that having a plan, even a simple one, helps.

Off to bed now as doing the dreaded "30 day shred" first thing tomorrow (one of the things MN has introduced me to!)

Take care x

mouses Sun 15-Sep-13 22:22:52

she starts nursery this week so might make a plan to take her to the library after? is a quite place where i can sit with her on my own maybe.

we do watch her programmes together, we do talk about what happening on days i have energy to interact.
i try to visit my friend once a week to get out the house, tho we mainly discuss our life matters as we both have depression and can relate, also there isnt any else to talk about as we are both hermits!

good night, wish you all the best with your shred plan x

PoppadomPreach Mon 16-Sep-13 17:54:36

How's today been? Has your DD started nursery -hope that went well?

Going to library after nursery sounds like a good plan. Small steps....

Do you live near a park! Fresh air always helps I think (ok it may sound cliched, but I think it's true!)

Shred went well this morning, being careful what I ate hasn't. I have absolutely no willpower! More shred tomorrow.

Btw do you enjoy reading - during the quiet time when your Dd is at nursery, could you distract yourself with a good book?

mouses Mon 16-Sep-13 19:36:57

this morning i found it hard to get up and motivated, my boys had to see themselves of to school. with me saying bye from my bed :-( dont fret they are secondary age and 9 (school is 2min walk) but still it makes me sad.

managed to pull some strenght together and get along the day. didnt feel as glum as yesterday.

dd starts on weds morning, i was thinking of going for a walk while she is there. god knows what im going to do if i cant get up, worries me.

somedays i cant read if my concentration and focus is bad. i just dont take nothing in even tho im looking at the page! x

mouses Mon 16-Sep-13 19:39:37

oh was meant to say, what does your shred consist of? im guessing its a diet of some sort.

PoppadomPreach Mon 16-Sep-13 22:22:32

Glad today was better than yesterday, but it sounds so hard. It's like wading through treacle, isn't it? Glad you got the strength to get up though - don't beat yourself up about your DS - maybe target up getting up once this week before they go? That's not meant to sound like a judgement btw - just suggesti g a small step.

You will get up on Wednesday. I'm sure whe the time comes you will know you have to do it. Don't think about it now, no amount of thinking you do now is going to change how you feel that morning. You will get up.

Re the shred - it is this The Shred

You basically do a 20 min work out each day - 3 circuits of 6 mins - strength, cardio and ads. Is quite hard, but I actually enjoy it. I've put on nearly 2 stones since having kids and I really, really want to shift it. Even if yo don't need to lose weight, it does make you feel pretty good!

Hope tomorrow is OK. Keep talking x

mouses Mon 16-Sep-13 23:18:25

i do get up and out of bed most days and say goodbye, then crash back to my bed once they;ve left. just some days it dont work out!

oh jillian is fierce! i feel sorry for the 'biggest looser' competitors

i used to love exercise, gym 3 days a week and winsor pilates 3 nights a week. the depression has striped me of any thing i like and just dont do it any more. used to dance too :-( used to play music nearly every day now im lucky if i feel like it once a month. sorry getting abit morbid.

i hope you get to your goal, x

PoppadomPreach Wed 18-Sep-13 18:59:45

Hello there - how are you? Sorry I didn't say hello yesterday but I was in a bit of a stress-grump and not feeling very sociable! (All related to party invites, or lack of, though my son said he doesnt want to go anyway - but the mum is one of my best mates in the place I live and I thought she might have at least mentioned she was having a party (our kids don't really get on so I would have understood!). I don't think I'll start an AIBU about it

Have the last couple of days been bearable? Have you been back to your GP at all? Oh, and how did your DD get on at nursery? Hope you managed t get there ok, and that your Dd enjoyed it.

When you say you did music everyday, what did you play? Music/dance would be an excellent thing to get back into if you could force yourself? I am enjoying the exercise though haven't done DVd for last couple of days as I think I'm getting a cold (any excuse)

Hope you're feeling ok. X

tgamble13 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:16:03

just seen ur thread there now i hope u have been feeling better? if not i urge u to make another appt with ur gp and ask for an urgent appt with ur local primary mental health team. there is always lifeline to get u through until appt with psychiarity U R NOT alone let them know exactly how ur feeling so that you can make a crisis plan. at the end of the day ur mental wellbeing is vital for u and ur little one. hope this helps

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 19:18:33

thats ok you dont have feel like you have to report to me every day :-)

yes its the thought that counts, even if you did say no thanks. tis why i avoid making friends people! and no i wouldnt tread the AIBU section either so dont blame you.

i made it to the nursery on time (across the road!) she had fun, been waiting a long time to go there. i on the other hand, got all worked up and made my day go wrong! thought of the gate crew school mums loittering makes me want to hide away. when i picked her up i had to stand on the other side of the street. just cant do it sad

felt so panicky, had to go out and do stuff after i dropped her off, felt aggitated and restless on the bus earlier had to try really hard not to loose it!

no i mean listened to music, sing and dance along. had to be loud so no one could hear me howling along. will never get back into to it now, no confidence and too old.

its not good to exercise when your run down it can make you worse :-) you'll get back into the swing of things soon.

hope your stress levels are back to normal now x

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 19:27:19

hi tgamble,
no not feeling better. might have a morning where i think its going to be a good day then it just all goes wrong.

ive never heard of primary health team? so can my gp put me in contact with them? i feel like im loosing control sad

PoppadomPreach Wed 18-Sep-13 19:37:56

Stress levels normalish now - but there's always something to worry about. At the moment it's money - I need to get a job!

Re music I can actually totally understand. I remember so clearly when I had my first depression I couldn't listen to music at all. It all seemed to happy and everyone was in love and the world was going swimmingly for everyone except me. The Only song I did listen to was manic street preachers -design for life as it has the line "we don't talk about love, we only want to get drunk" which was exactly how I felt at the time.

Glad your DD settled well at nursery. The school gate mum thing can seem intimidating but though I'm sure there are terrible cliques in some schools, I think often it looks worse than it actually is. But I guess you just ave to do what you are comfortable with. Hope tomorrow goes well. X

tgamble13 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:38:03

ur gp can put in a referral for u most areas have them or something similar. when ur mood dips what r u doing? its important to recognise ur thoughts, feelings and behaviour and to recognise triggers so that wen u feel ur mood dipping to try to do something positive even if its having a relaxing bath or go for a walk.

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