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Ashamed to be here

(125 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 21:19:29

I wanted my previous thread to be deleted but for some reason it wasn't, however i'm feeling like I need to just get all this out somewhere. It's taken a lot of guts to post again, all my confidence has gone today for some reason.

I don't even know what to say now, but I am frustrated that I am not getting anywhere. I am regarding therapy and appts, but not mentally. The past few years have been up and down, up and down. The downs are getting worse and more often, the ups are happening less. Always been told therapy is what I need, but my unhelpful cpn said I won't get it while i'm tearful. I have an appt for it in a couple of weeks though.

Social services are now involved, anxiety is through the roof. I don't trust anyone anymore, feel I have no one I can be totally honest with, and I know i'm sinking again. The down periods are taking over, with no explanations. I have been looking for jobs, seeing friends, doing a lot with dd, but that's when I realise no matter what I do, this bpd is always going to be lingering, taking over, until I can take it no more.

I was really struggling a couple of months ago, but at least I was more open then, and able to ask for help. I feel I can't now, I clam up, I feel vulnerable and paranoid. Even in my garden earlier I feel like people are watching me.

I don't want to sound like i'm repeating myself, but I feel like i'm waiting for the right time to end it, it's what keeps me going if that makes sense.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 21:27:09

Hello Gracie,
I was just this minute trying to find you through old threads.
SOOOO glad that you decided to come back. Was sad to read that you having a down time again but pleased that there is something in the pipeline for counselling. I didn't think cpn was right about you having to stop crying.
I can't think what else to suggest but how have you managed with dd is she at her dads tonight or have you got her at home? how did ss get involved? have you had meeting with gp and cpn yet?

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 21:31:29

Hi Gracie.
So so glad you have the appointment. That is great.

apatchylass Sat 29-Jun-13 21:40:35

Really sorry to hear you're feeling so unwell. I didn't catch your last thread, so am not sure if you're on ADs or not. If you are, can they be adjusted? (I know how very hard it is to get this right with bpd - two close friends have it and juggling meds is almost a full time preoccupation.

Hang in there. And if you don't feel comfortable with your cpn, can you see someone else? Personally I'd hate to go through therapy whilst feeling down (would hate it anyway - just not my thing) but if it feels instinctively like that might work for you, can you ask again? The only thing is, if you aren't feeling able to trust anyone right now, it might be extra hard to open up.

And btw, I'm really impressed at your list of stuff you are up to doing. Doing things with dc and seeing friends - these are so important as they prevent the illness from dominating and trashing your life. When you look back on difficult times you'll be able to think: well at least I made some happy memories for dc. It's phenomenal that you are doing this whilst feeling down. Hope you are giving yourself credit for it.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 22:23:57

Gtacie I have to go to bed I can;t keep my eyes open but will be back in the morning. Hope you get some sleep tonightflowers

GracieLoo Sat 29-Jun-13 22:54:42

Thank you for the replies. I was nervous about starting a new thread. I'm glad the therapy could start soon, the appt is another assessment so won't get my hopes up. I am on meds but always get told they won't make me better, as bpd is difficult to treat. I guessed that after trying five different AD's.

Dd isn't here this weekend, luckily as i've slept most of the day and am feeling out of it. Everything seems slow. Paranoid feelings are horrible, especially when in own home, only feel safe in bed. Seeing things which isn't a good sign, flickers and movements, thinking there are flies in the fridge. And got buzzing in my ears, forgetting to lock doors, close windows, argh I could go on. These are all bad signs. Plus wanting to self destruct, drinking although trying not to. And having weird dreams and images of doing certain things. When I start researching on Internet I know I'm getting worse, but what can I do?

How long am I meant to keep going for? I don't even remember some days, they don't feel like they happened, or I go over in my head what I may have said/done that made me look stupid. I panic about things that didn't happen, like dd getting lost or hurt.

I'm rambling, but my mind is racing. My weeks are so busy with lots of different things, school stuff, appts, outings, so I'm busy which helps, but it's not enough. If I let myself crumble I will lose everything. But I'm getting exhausted and I need a break.

yamsareyammy Sat 29-Jun-13 22:59:15

I was wondering the other day when you last had a real break.
Ever since I have had children, I have gone away for a three day break, sometimes totally alone to say a B&B or cheap hotel, or sometimes to someone I know, and most times I do absolutely nothing.
Might read a book if I feel like it, or go for a short walk.That is it.
Does me the power of good, even though it is just for 3 days.

cjel Sat 29-Jun-13 23:07:45

It sounds like you are exhausted but thoughts are all tumbling around so your poor mind doesn't get time to stop. Your post sounds quite coherent though . I don't know what to suggest about researching except 'don't' but i guess that won't be any helpsmile
those sensations you are talking about, seeing movements etc and forgetting to lock things are not serious they are common , normal symptoms of an overstressed body. they are not for ever and as you recover they will lessen, try not to be frightened by every new thing that your poor tired mind tries to trick you with.remember that you want to stop feeling like this and nothing else. You will stop feeling like this and you will be better. just snuggle in that safe bed and try get some sleep

mouses Sat 29-Jun-13 23:29:45

i should stop lingering on here cos when i read thread that i could of wrote - it makes me worry more about myself!

gracie i get/do alot of what you mentioned. buzzing in ears (told gp this so many times!), what looks like bits of dirt floating in my eyes, paranoid about everything! when you said 'research on the internet' i was at the docs with this in the exact words on my list to show her!

same with the days being a blur, i too think about what i might of said and think 'why did i say that, just be quiet next time!' or i feel i showed myself up infront of someone and then avoid them, and just today i had a thought of my DD falling into the stream where i walk the dog. was a horrible thought.

mind is always racing, never seems to switch off! im sorry its no help to you waffling on about me. but i thankyou, as when everyone post their experiences it helps others (me) understand or even realise things they are doing which they may not realise, or think is anything out of the ordinary (last bit prob made no sense?)

i wish i had words of wisdom for you, but im searching for ways do deal will it too x

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 00:05:26

It's interesting to hear someone has similar symptoms. Do you have a diagnosis Mouses? what support are you getting? I know I've always been different, sensitive but emotionless, anxious, obsessive and a self harmed, but it's got worse in the last few months.

I'm trying to sleep but it feels like the bed is swaying, and I feel I have to keep still as people know what I'm doing and thinking. I keep thinking of a rope type thing I have in the cupboard. Can smell body lotion and it seems stronger than usual and making me feel ill. It's like no one exists anymore and that's why it's ok if I end it, but then I think, I just need to do that tomorrow! So spaced out and fuzzy headed.

I think if I was on my own for a few days with nothing to do I wouldn't be very safe, but I feel so tired it's stopping me from getting better or motivated.

mouses Sun 30-Jun-13 00:36:43

Ive been back to the gp with a huge list of symptoms, had a phone assessment, date for home assessment and planning on ringing for CBT.

i looked into what i do or why and alot of it came back as bipolar, depression, anxiety, ocd.... was one of those many researching days amongst buying loads of stuff i shouldnt of! wasting my day on the internet. (a few weeks ago now)

yes me too re the feeling different, exactly those words too! emotionless, anxious - just the same. i remember being so young and saying to my mum 'i dont feel right' she'd ask whats wrong and id say i dont know just feel weird!

last night i went to bed with a bad head ache feeling unsteady and shakey sad i have days where food smells stronger and puts me off eating it. the kids noise can sound 10 times louder and my vision is blury. i know what you mean about thinking of ways out, the other night i didnt want to take neurofen for my head ache incase i couldnt stop sad had my DC's in bed and worried they would find me, how messed up do i sound! i feel for you and understand.

i just keep hope that my strength of not hurting my DC's continues to out-weigh the strength of ending it! sorry im not being very supportive am i, everyone who is goin through it are fighters!

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 10:40:19

Found this site. You may well have read it before

But very near the end it says that the majority of people in the long term, improve with it.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 15:28:17

Yams that wad really interesting. I don't know about you two gracie and mouses but the thing that struck me was that it all sounded very normal, scary yes and horrid but nothing that will not get better, some even getting better with no help at all!! I did wonder about the use of meds and the role they have to play in making some of the symptoms worse not better? Gracie, it was also very clear that counselling/talking therapies seemed the preferred method of help and no where did it say you had to be 'stable' to benefit from it.

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 18:43:44

Thanks I had a read, think I've read it before but it helps to remind myself that there are therapies that work.

Sorry can't say much now as have a migraine and feel sick and shaky. Feel awful actually, want to cry. Managed to collect dd, make her tea, she's eating it now but it's making me feel sick. Got to get her to bed, don't know if I can do this.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 18:45:46

breath slowly gracie, have you had plenty of fluids? dehydration can add to migraine. Not long till dds bedtime, you can do it.xx

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 18:54:01

I think I am going to be sick, and I am crying now. It hurts so much! Can't do it, she'll have to go to bed with no stories or anything. If I move I feel worse.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 19:00:42

its ok. its migraine and will pass. dd will be fine without a story. don't feel guilty. give her a hug and explain.

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 19:06:19

Had migraines for years. Nothing much worked when it was at its worst, except for rest in a darkened room. Light was terrible.
Forget bathtime or stories.
Lie on her bedroom floor if necessary.
I was never actualy sick with it, but felt like it a few times.

GracieLoo Sun 30-Jun-13 20:06:47

Been sick, in bed. Urgh

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:11:50

Urgh. Sorry, got that wrong. Didnt think you would be sick.

cjel Sun 30-Jun-13 20:26:00

thats the trouble with our advice - its open to error isnt it yamssadoh yuk, poor you,is dd in bed? can you just stay still and sleep?

yamsareyammy Sun 30-Jun-13 20:57:17

yep. We can only do our best.

GracieLoo Mon 01-Jul-13 07:08:58

Think migraines gone, although haven't got up yet. Had horrible dreams, about my cpn having a go at me, no one listening, and standing at a train station waiting to jump. It was such a vivid dream.

Never been that ill with a migraine before. Got a lot on this week so hope I don't get anymore. Got another ss meeting this week, last thing I want to do. What happened in my dream has triggered off all kinds of thoughts.

cjel Mon 01-Jul-13 08:40:14

morning gracie, glad migraine has gone. no onelistening is the key to a lot of your distress i reckon and when you get the person who will i feel you will turn the corner. What have you got on today can you be gentle so you recover from migraine or is it a manic day?

yamsareyammy Mon 01-Jul-13 09:31:21

Ignore all dream thoughts if you can.
Crikey, my dreams are a wonder to behold!

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