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Fed up - realising I am not normal

(33 Posts)
Nothingbutaloser Fri 01-Feb-13 21:44:32

Don't really know where to start.

I am a total loser or waster. Take your pick.

I am a housewife/Sahm to 2 teens.

I have not worked post kids. Thats 15 years.

I have followed my husband around with his career and never gone back to work. I use our regular house moving with his career as an excuse but the reality is I am too frightened to get a job.

The reason is because I don't think I am worthy. I don't think I am good enough. I am terrified I wont be able to do a job. Any job. Even cleaning or something simple, let alone a job that could have prospects.

Its not just work and employment. I am scared of most things. Anything that involves any responsibility has me terrified. Buying house insurance or anything remotely official scares me. I dont trust myself to read the small print. I dont trust myself to make a decision and I live in fear that I have made a mistake or done something wrong all the time.

I used to be normal. Never had a wonderful career or anything but worked in banking and earnt an OK wage. Looking back even then I always felt I was not as good as my colleagues and doubted myself and would never volunteer anything. My sales were pretty shit too as I was frightend to sell. But it was not like how I feel now.

I went to college in 2010 and did a course in something that in theory was towards a career I had always wanted. I did OK in it passed most exams with a merit or distinction. However I never found work. I started another course but it went wrong i was kind of bullied and I left Xmas 2011. Since then I have not applied for any jobs because I am so shit and unworthy.

My life is an existence. I am not living my life. I cope with all the family shit although pull away from doing household admin where possible or at least taking sole responsibility for bills etc anymore. I used to do it all.

I spent my days sat in the house. I have stopped doing housework recently. it seems pointless because the house is such a mess. I have to clean everyone elses mess before I can vacume or dust. I am sick of it no one listens unless I shout and cry and only then they rally round then revert back within days.

A typical day I get up after everyone has left the house so no one can ask me to do things for them. Maybe I am lazy but in my mind its because I am frightened it will a task out of my comfort zone, that I will cock up. Sometimes I just sit in bed and watch TV until lunch time. Most days I get up. Load and unlad the dishwasher. Take a load out the washer and hang it our/on the airer. Then watch TV, mumsnet, surf the net etc. DH usually comes home for lunch. He gets whatever he wants and we watch TV/news little chat about nothing. I feel sick when the postie comes about 1pmish. I always fear bad news. i expect things to be or go wrong even though logically there is no reason to think this. In the afternoon. I may do a simple task like ironing or prep evening meal although recently I just sit and do nothing maybe TV or internet. On an evening everyone just does there thing I just clear up tea stuff deal with letters from school etc. The I have a bath then go to bed.

For the past year I have distanced myself from friends. BUT my best friend who lives an hour away has distanced herself ffrom me. I try and make the effort with her but she never calls me back or on the rare occassion she does she is also texting/messaging on her mobile and just not actually engaging with me. I have come to the conclusion this is because I am a boring uninteresting loser.

I no longer socialise and although I check my FB page every day, I have not posted on there since October because I have nothing worthwhile to say.

The past 3 weeks I feel like I need to cry but no tears come. I had a few tears today but they stopped before they properly started. I feel like I need to have a good cry but it wont happen.

Up until this past year despite my fears I led a normalish life. Out and about socially, would take myself off to the pool or gym, shops etc. Now I dont. As I gradually withdrew last year (not deliberate just randon 2 or 3 weeks here and there where I could not face people) I began to notice that no one missed me. No one called, text or asked me out. I have come to realise that actually I have no friends. I have acquaintances who I was always on the outside of the social group. Another words OK to go out with in a crowd but not for coffee around someones house on a 1 to 1.

I must have always been a shit boring person and I feel embarrassed I have only just at the age of 40 realised this.

My kids need me. 1 is having a crap time at school at the mo and this is what is stopping me from just getting into my car and driving off to the arse end of nowhere.

Sorry its so long once I started it kept coming.

Monstermashpotato Fri 01-Feb-13 21:57:51

<holds your hand>
I could have written a lot of this.
You are not alone.

domesticsloven Fri 01-Feb-13 21:58:51

Hello have not got much time as I need to sleep but you sound interesting and thoughtful but as if you have lost all confidence ... maybe because everything you have done has not been validated as work in the earning and cv sort of way but has been for other people. Either you feel unappreciated now or realise they don't need you in the same way and suddenly think you have nothing to show for the last few years.
Feeling as if you can't make a decision and anxious is becos your horizons are so narrowed everything is scaring you and you are so downhearted.
Try small steps to change things. Get out of the house be it paid or not. Keep looking for the work you wanted. Get a cleaner for Two hours per week, you did not sign up to be unpaid skivvy until the end of time.
You can change. Try a small new thing every day. Ask for help for certain things in The house.
More to say but unwell and tired will watch this thread x

Monstermashpotato Fri 01-Feb-13 22:00:26

Do you think the bullying has had something to do with how you feel now as this was the case for me. I notice you said you had some of those feelings before but not the way you feel now x

domesticsloven Fri 01-Feb-13 22:00:30

Have you any history of trauma or lots of negative life events ?

domesticsloven Fri 01-Feb-13 22:01:46

Doesn't make you less of person to be on the edge of groups, that's more an introversion extroversion thing

bigmouthlala Fri 01-Feb-13 22:04:23

You poor thing. Do you think you could go to your GP? I hope you don't mind me saying this but you sound like you are quite possibly depressed. I have history of depression but it doesn't need to be your prisoner. There are effective treatments.

Here is a big hug and well done for bring brave enough to post. That must have bern hard.

LeeCoakley Fri 01-Feb-13 22:10:45

Some of what you say are classic signs of depression. I could probably have written your post 15 years ago. Don't let yourself spiral downwards any longer please go and see your gp. Good luck.

Nothingbutaloser Fri 01-Feb-13 22:33:37

oh wow. What a lovely lot of replies and so quick too.

There is loads more but I cant get it into words to get out.

Yes I have had some trauma but of my own making through my own stupid mistakes.

My husband has lied to me on so many levels. I found out Xmas 5 years ago he was having an affair. I didnt confront him for 3 weeks whilst I tried to uncover the mass of deceit I had discovered. Anyway it was not so much and affair but 4 maybe 5 years (possibly longer) of serial cheating with ladies he had chatted to over the internet. Under the guise of working away (which he used to do alot back then) he had women up and down the UK. He would shag some of them once and never see them again and some he would shag on a semi regular basis whenever he was passing their area with work. This extended to him doing this locally(ish) 20 miles with randoms on evenings he had to apparently work late but in reality he was just out for an evening shag.

He used to get me iron him a clean shirt for his evening meetings etc angry

It was a traumatic time in my life. Absolutely hell. I never ever thought he could do that (famous last words) No one would have believed me because my husband is a bit of a catch apparently, so lovely and so doting (is what everyone thinks).

This just made a complete mockery of my life -as the wife and mother supporting him and our DC whilst he persued his career.

Long story but we split (secretly- as in no one knew) but slowly we go back together. The fact is - its changed for me. He is not who I thought he was. I love him but there is a lack of trust but I am too worn down to kind of care anymore.

The bullying was my actual tutor at college. I found the course tough and lacked confidence. Went several times for extra clarification and support. Explained my fear of practical work infront of the whole class and was told to get a grip. Stop being pathtic and always then singled out for front of class practicals. The college counsellor said it was bullying when I had only gone because I thought I was stressed out and not coping with the work load. They were going to follow it up but I could not face going back after Xmas 2011 after my tutor called me at home extremely stroppy about a mediation session that the counsellor had arranged for us. I was shaking so much and was sick after the call and just decided there and then to walk away.

Today I saw her in Tesco car park (and she clocked me too as I parked) - which I wonder if what prompted me to start this. I started to feel panicky and started shaking. I ended up only getting 2 things in tesco because I was frightend (daft I know) she would see me and speak to me. I just wanted to get out.

I have never been super confident but I used to lead a normal life. Over the years I just feel life has become a struggle and complicated.

I live in permanent fear of random things like our electricty meter will be faulty and we will get a high bill and the admin nightmare that will follow for me to sort out. I have no reason to think this - its an irrantional fear.

We have had problems with TalkTalk where I am convinced they owed me money but I just gave up dealing with the complaint in the end because I cannot face the stress of it. My daughter has a savings account that the interest has dropped to nothing and they have written to me saying we should move the account over to X account instead and to call into the branch to change it over - but I cant. I am frightend I will cock it up.

I wont watch watch dog or The One Show because the problems on these programmes will fuel my fear.

I do wonder if I may be depressed but have been to see my poor GP so much this past year I just cannot face goimg again and think I am not properly depressed and will be wasting everyones time.

I am also terrified of facing upto my fears.

Mad and daft and sad.

domesticsloven Fri 01-Feb-13 22:39:20

Most things don't get messed up too easily and we all mess stuff up all the time so don 't worry its normal.
I think you have forgotten what normal is and you sound absolutely fine to me.
You need to break free and get your confidence back as it was before.

bigmouthlala Fri 01-Feb-13 22:44:49

I definitely think you are depressed. It's not fake, it's not minor, and it is spoiling your life. A good GP will help you find a path out of all this.

It is very very common for depressed people to think their problems are self-inflicted, not worthy of help from other people, and 'minor'.

When you are feeling better you can sort out your home life. You have been dealt a very very bad hand with your charismatic, but by the sounds of it - highly emotionally abusive- husband.

I so feel for you. Stay on here, won't you?

CatelynStark Fri 01-Feb-13 22:45:34

Well, if you're mad and daft and sad, then I am too. I could have written most of your OP. So, what you're feeling sounds pretty normal to me.

I'm just starting to get a bit of confidence back by joining a choir, which I love, and I'm actually going for a drink with two women I met there tomorrow night. That's unheard of for me! I'm still not able to apply for any jobs yet though. Baby steps.

If you feel that you might benefit from antidepressants, then tell your GP how you're feeling. They've been very useful for me when I've not been able to stop weeping.

Nothingbutaloser Fri 01-Feb-13 22:54:00

Thank you.

I hate going anywhere and meeting people because I always feel ashamed saying I am a housewife/sahm when my DC are the ages they are.

Its awful. One of the things I loved about college (the 1st successful course I did) was being able to say I was a student because that made me feel like a proper person and not a sad loser going nowhere in life.

My GP is lovely and a few times I have almost said I wonder if I am not right but I just cant.

Just typing this on here is massive. A million times I have typed stuff out and then deleted it.

To admit it in real life is so hard and step too far. I dont think the actual words would come out.

bigmouthlala Fri 01-Feb-13 23:05:09

Print out the thread and show it to your GP? Send him a copy as a letter?

domesticsloven Fri 01-Feb-13 23:24:31

Don ' t show it to your GP!!
You need more confidence not less!
Small steps to get to the place you want to be

bigmouthlala Sun 03-Feb-13 12:45:58

Hi nothingbut. How are you feeling now? Sorry if I went too hard on the GP thing ; only reason I said that is that for me, admitting to GP has been the start of things getting better, and you said yours was nice.

Do you have any family you trust?

bigmouthlala Sun 03-Feb-13 12:48:30

There id a fantastic - now quite old - book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' which is the only self help book I have ever found useful. Might be an interesting read? Xx

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 12:55:57

Oh, your OP was so very difficult to read - you could be me, not to the letter but so much of it, i could have, and believe i have written over the years. I think there are so many women in your situation.

I think something needs to happen to break the cycle - after seven years at home I have just got a job, i wont pretend its easy and i find myself wishing i could go back to being a SAHM, but i know that i can't becuase we can't afford it and more importantly, my self esteem wont take it! This job, it came out of the blue, things come along just when you think there is no hope. Please don't give up.

Do you actually NEED to go back to work? for financial reasons? Could you take some time to do some voluntary work? There is a surprising amount out there and its not all working in a charity shop. You could do book-keeping for a charity etc if that is where your expertise lies. Something YOU want to do?

That is the start i think, ask yourself what you want to change? You say alot about what you don't want - and i used to do this, but be brave and think about what you do want. I totally and utterly get the fear thing, that is me all over, my heart does a flip when the post-man comes and i scream at the dogs when they bark at him because they make me jump, i know its the postie and its like full on terror sometimes.

Sadly though, i think what you describe is more normal than you think.

I would maybe consider the GP to help with the anxiety though - i found ADs did help me with that side of things, i dont take them now.

frustratedworkingmum Sun 03-Feb-13 13:00:13

Just read your second post, im so sorry about what your DH did to you, are you still with him?

domesticsloven Sun 03-Feb-13 23:02:41

How r u feeling OP
I have a really difficult stressful job by anyones standards believe me. I cope. I am very good at my job. I h e not always been like this though!
I stayed at home several years and an a natural scaredy cat! Iused to get really worried about where I would park at a Childrens party or whether things would go wrong in the house! Ther is no fear like that of being paralysed and unable to function and make a decision because it all seems too much.
I was terrified of making a mistake. .my horizons were narrowed and confidence was really bad.
I had to first be angry with my controlling dh and then act on improving my life and breaking free fromthe negative stereotype I had been forced into .
I started by wearing. different top every day whether I wanted to orbit, and by doing something small and new out oc my comfort zone every day.
Gradually things hot better and the fear went away. The antidote to fear is action . Try it and move forwards

domesticsloven Sun 03-Feb-13 23:06:11

Btw sensitive and intelligent people are much more likely to feel anxious . We are all different and you just have to develop your own special strengths

mercibucket Sun 03-Feb-13 23:19:54

Hi op, I hope you keep posting, you will get a lot of support on here. Can you afford counselling, like cbt, to help develop your confidence? I could really recommend hypnotherapy for dealing with anxiety. Also your GP. You say you have been a lot lately. Do you or a fmily member have other health issues as well?

mercibucket Sun 03-Feb-13 23:20:03

Hi op, I hope you keep posting, you will get a lot of support on here. Can you afford counselling, like cbt, to help develop your confidence? I could really recommend hypnotherapy for dealing with anxiety. Also your GP. You say you have been a lot lately. Do you or a fmily member have other health issues as well?

domesticsloven Mon 04-Feb-13 22:37:41

How r u OP?

Nothingbutaloser Wed 13-Feb-13 18:29:54

I am ok.

Sorry I have not been online I have been busy with the kids.

I am doing OKish atm. The past week has seen me feeling alot more positive in general. Better than I have been since Xmas. Saturday was an awful day though and if I hadnt have HAD to get on with certain tasks I would have hidden in my bed all day.

My latest drama is that my husband has asked me to look at sorting out our current account and wants it changed - same bank just better deal on the different account. Simple to anyone normal and like I used to be but for me these days, this is the stuff of nightmares. In theory I go in the bch and ask them to swap it all over and bingo - there we go. But once again I worry I will be tripped up and make a mistake with the small print. Also, its highly likely that there will be a monumental cock up of some kind - like there seems to be with everything I touch these days. Husband could tell I have been procrastinating dealing with this and got pissy with me - making me feel more pathetic.

Someone posted on some thread the other day (Cant recall which one) "I cant recall the last time I stressed out/wept tears over setting up a water bill direct debit" (or similar words to that affect - they were being sarcastic) - and I just sat here and thought - I would bloody weep - thats how fucking stupid I am.

I seem to be increasingly dis-satisfied with my life. Its a total mess on so many levels. The kids schooling and decisions to be made, my life - no job, no hope etc, my marriage - my marriage is fucked on so many levels - trust mainly but its no spilling over to not just infidelity, I am worried/concerned H maybe hiding money/financial info from me (thats a long other story) but I am trapped and cannot see a way out. There is no way I am strong enough to deal with life changing choices right now. I try and unravel it but my life is a mess and I cannot see the wood from the trees and my lack of self confidence makes basic things so hard. In my head I keep thinking that if I could just force myself to get a job I would feel better and be less reliant on H for my existence etc etc and it could even at one stage perhaps be a route out of here when I feel strong enough to make decisions.

I am prattling on and on - but it helps to get it out. I know there is nothing anyone can say so please dont feel you have to respond.

Thankfully this week is half term (for one DC) so I am busy and will be again next week when DC2 has their HT).

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