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Having a wobble.

(27 Posts)
fluffydressinggown Thu 29-Nov-12 20:32:51

I am having a huge wobble. Have been ok for a good few months and in the past 2/3 weeks have started to feel off again. Hard to explain really, just don't feel right.

My sleep is atrocious and getting worse, takes me hours to get to sleep and waking up loads in the night. CPN is sorting out a prescription for some sleeping tablets to see if that will help me.

I cut myself on Tuesday. Nothing serious but it is starting to feel quite reasonable to do some significant self harm. Feeling very suicidal.

I have told my CPN and psychologist about these feelings. They have been very supportive, my CPN has made it clear that if I begin to self harm as I have done before I will have to have some sort of stepped up treatment - probably an admission.

Keep trying to perk up and snap out of it. I have lovely things planned with my friends but everything feels so hollow and false and fake and pointless.

Not sure why I am posting, just for some support I think.

SushiPaws Thu 29-Nov-12 20:40:26

Couldn't read and not post.

It's horrible feeling alone. I've never self harmed but have had mental health issues and my sister is bipolar.

Just wanted to say I'm listening if you want to talk and you're not alone. You say you have things planned with friends, try and focus of that and take the sleeping tablets, sleep is so important.

Upwardandonward Thu 29-Nov-12 20:42:48

Hugs fluffy. I hope you get some help with sleep...sounds rough sad

NicholasTeakozy Thu 29-Nov-12 20:49:46

Don't tell yourself to snap out of it. Imagine someone else telling you to do just that. Just try to focus on the positive things in your life. Accept whatever treatment the CPN recommend and trust them. You can beat this.

fluffydressinggown Thu 29-Nov-12 22:22:16

Thank you for your kind words smile Was expecting to be told to pull myself together (which is what I tell myself all day long!) I am so lucky to have such a lovely family and great friends but I keep thinking how they would be so much better without me, I know that if I wasn't there they wouldn't really miss me, they think they would but I know they wouldn't. I just feel so false and fake and stupid.

I am hoping the sleep will come soon because I feel so very tired.

I had a frank(ish) discussion with my husband who was very supportive, he told me that I seemed different these past few weeks, that he could tell I was really struggling.

He is out now so I am watching Young Apprentice with a cup of tea and mince pie.

chocolateistheenemy Thu 29-Nov-12 22:28:12

Oh fluffy I've been hoping like mad that you're doing well. I followed your thread back in the spring/summer and thought you were so brave.
I don't want to belittle or diminish any of your feelings but does the 'threat' or pressure of enjoying Christmas worry you?

SushiPaws Fri 30-Nov-12 10:54:14

Glad you've had a chat with your dh, he's probably very worried for you.

I agree with Choc, the pressure and the expectations of Christmas can be high.

It would be pointless me telling you your not false, fake or stupid, I've seen your previous threads and I know your not. But when it boils down to it, it's how you feel inside.

Are you getting any exercise? It always helps a bit.

fluffydressinggown Fri 30-Nov-12 16:59:00

I picked up my sleeping tablets today (zolpidem) am a little bit nervous about taking them, but didn't fall asleep until 4am today which is just not right.

I am trying to have a very low-key Christmas, we go to see family so I don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning etc. I have sorted out most of the presents as well.

I have this sense that I am holding on for Christmas and then in January I can do what I want. I keep thinking about when it makes sense to hurt myself properly.

But I know I am doing the best I can, I go every week, I take my meds, I talk, I try. I just wish my best was enough!

Thank you for your replies smile It helps to know I am not talking to myself!

NicholasTeakozy Fri 30-Nov-12 18:26:57

No, you're not alone. All anyone can do is keep putting one foot in front of another. You are doing the best you can, your best will be enough. You can and will beat this. Have you thought of trying CBT?

SushiPaws Fri 30-Nov-12 18:40:42

Your best is enough, it's all you can do. Keep going till January then set yourself a new goal like Easter.

CBT worked very well for me but everyone is different. I'm a very logical person, lack of control sent me off to a bad place. Self harm I think is about controlling your hurt and I've heard CBT works very well for that. But it'll only work if you're in a place where you want it to.

You are certainly not talking to yourself. MN and the amazing people here have saved me and have helped me cope with my sister, who I love but goes up and down to the extreme.

Do you have quality time with your dh?

babbas Fri 30-Nov-12 20:01:51

Someone posted some amazing coping tips on another thread lower down. I've used them this week and they are really helpful: try and go to a happy place in your head such as wedding day/child's birth/ holiday and try and stay there a while; try and allow yourself a time limit of say 30 mins to feel upset and then try and snap yourself away from negativity.

I know it's hard and I don't want to trivialise how you are feeling but the above have helped me this week. You are not alone fluffy.

fluffydressinggown Fri 30-Nov-12 20:52:39

Well, my CPN and psychologist use parts of CBT but not the whole approach, which I am ok with. In many ways I am very much a head person, I can be very rational and very disconnected from how I feel and I am very hard on myself.

I try very hard not to focus on the negatives, in fact this is one of the things my therapists want me to work on the most, experiencing my sadness and distress instead of trying to shove it away.

It is such a hard balance isn't it!

violetsrblue Fri 30-Nov-12 21:44:42

Just wanted to say that I followed your story earlier in the year and it always touched me, and that I hope you can find some good feelings again.

fluffydressinggown Wed 05-Dec-12 15:58:44

I wanted to come back this a week later.

I still feel pretty shit. I have been self harming, but not so badly so it is ok I guess. I don't think I will do anything until after Christmas.

I have been taking the sleeping tablets and feel less haunted at night by my thoughts, my sleep just feels solid and dreamless which is a good thing.

I had a very strange appointment yesterday with my psychologist, we talked about self harm and about what was going on for me. We are at a strange sort of stale mate, I know what I need to do, but I just cannot do it, but I know I cannot keep going really.

I had a very strange thing at the end, he was asking me to bin my razor blades and I gave them to him (they were in my hand bag which he didn't realise) and then I had this rant and a very quick cry (which is very very unlike me) and walked out.

I feel like I am failing at everything, failing at my marriage, failing at getting better, failing at not self harming, failing at my career, just failing.

I have spent quite a bit of time with close friends this weekend, and I realised that I said nothing, I mean I talked, but I said nothing, nothing about how I feel. Just usual fluff about my husband, Christmas etc.

StNickHasHisXmasTeakozyOn Wed 05-Dec-12 16:39:09

Hi Fluffy, great news about the improvement in your sleep. Babbas' tip about thinking about happier times is good, it acts as a mood lifter. If you Google for distraction techniques there will be advice far better than I could come up with.

Don't worry that you didn't open up to your friends, in your place I'd be the same. I'll hazard a guess that you were and are unsure how they'd react, given the way mental health is portrayed, especially in the tabloid press.

fluffydressinggown Wed 05-Dec-12 17:00:47

No my friends are very supportive and open minded.

I just don't know what to say. I feel on the edges of everything, like I am hovering above it all. And it is easier not to really say much at all.

Thank you for your reply smile

SushiPaws Wed 05-Dec-12 18:35:26

Well you're not failing, it's been a week and you're still here, you're sleep is improved and you're rant/cry may be a small breakthrough to really communicating.

Small victories are still victories

fluffydressinggown Thu 06-Dec-12 17:54:36

I am sorry to come back to this, I suppose it helps to get it out somewhere, although I did talk to my husband about things a little bit this afternoon.

I saw my CPN today and she (rightly) pointed out that my problems are about not about the material things I have, of which very fortunately I have more than enough, they are about me, and inside me. Only I have no words, I am very talkative as a person and in some circumstances would consider myself reasonably eloquent (I hope this doesn't sound big headed). But I have no words to describe how I feel or what I am thinking, it is like this gap inside me. I just feel, wordless.

I am pretty good at being positive, I am pretty good at being busy, but it feels like a house of cards that will fall down. And I have been being positive for weeks and it is so hard at the moment.

I told her about planning to kill myself, and then we talked about some of my OCD traits. I am so worried that next year is 2013, I hate odd numbers and 13 is the worst of all the numbers sad I don't think it is bad luck, it is just that odd numbers make me feel horrible. And a whole year of 13 seems hard to digest. And how I can categorise most objects into odd or even (like black is an odd number, and apples are even numbers - I am not sure how or why I know this but I do). I know they want to do some work with me on how I feel about numbers. I sound crazy sad

I said how I feel like I am reading a script when I am with my friends and family, it all feels so fake and hollow. And how I feel like I am just biding my time until after Christmas, I would hate to spoil Christmas.

She wants me to see the psychiatrist at the CMHT before Christmas which is good but also a bit scary, last time I saw him it was before I was admitted to hospital. She talked about an SSRI for the OCD but I am not sure reading about them, they make you feel sick and mess up your sleep and my sleep is such a huge battle for me anyway.

This is so long! I just need to get all of the jumbly stuff in my head out.

fluffydressinggown Tue 11-Dec-12 19:22:13

I feel really really low today. I am surprised at how sad I feel.

I just don't feel any enjoyment at the moment, everything feels pointless, I keep thinking about ending it and it feels like it would make sense. But I know if I talk about it it means I am making it all up.

I feel like I am stuck with my therapy, stuck with myself and it feels unbearable. My husband is off work this week and I don't want to talk to him or have him touch me, I just want to be alone and not be here.

I see my CPN tomorrow and the psychiatrist on Thursday.

StNickHasHisXmasTeakozyOn Tue 11-Dec-12 20:19:34

Hi there fluffy, I'm glad you're still posting, and talking about your feelings. I understand about not wanting to talk to your DH. It's good that you're going to your appointments too. When things get bad try using some distraction techniques or CBT to see if they help.

fluffydressinggown Thu 13-Dec-12 00:08:27

I am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow and I am nervous.

My CPN talked about all of my avoidance techniques today, and she is right, of course she is right. I feel like I have a few hours a week when I allow myself to be right and the rest of the time I just put on a brave face and do the superficial things.

If you looked at me, or watched me, you would think I am ok. Like I know all the CBT stuff to do, but my problem is that I am too good at faking it and in some ways what I need to do is face how I feel here and now, but that feels impossible.

StNickHasHisXmasTeakozyOn Thu 13-Dec-12 17:08:27

How did it go today fluffy? By the way, I get you about putting on an act, it's exactly what I do every day. The real neurotic anxiety filled me never gets out, the confident outspoken me is merely a front.

fluffydressinggown Thu 13-Dec-12 19:58:01

Thank you for asking about me smile

I saw the psychiatrist. Am going off mirtazipine and onto sertraline slowly over the next month or so.

I went shopping this morning (finally got DH something for his birthday, have been looking for weeks and weeks).

I feel really bleurgh, felt really twitchy and uneasy shopping today, I keep feeling like I will explode.

I had a huge cry when I spoke to my CPN, she said things seem to have gone downhill really quickly and she is right, I know I should just stop being so stupid and attention seeking. I told her I was scared that I might kill myself, it just seems like such a real possibility. My husband said he had found some razor blades and he was worried about me but I don't know what to tell him. He said is there anything I can do, and there isn't. I feel like I am all out of words, he is lovely, he is trying, he is so so supportive and I am just shit shit shit. And he would be better without me.

StNickHasHisXmasTeakozyOn Fri 14-Dec-12 17:44:53

Hi fluffy, sorry for not replying earlier, RL intervened which involved me being away from my pc. I see you're changing meds and going onto Sertraline. There's an ongoing support thread in the Mental Health topic where lovely people are giving wonderful advice.

You're not stupid; you're scared. Your husband sounds really lovely, and he most definitely would not be better off without you. By the way, you're not shit, you're ill. You've recognised that and are taking steps toward a cure. Those are the actions of an intelligent woman.

You being honest with your CPN and psychiatrist is a good thing. That way they can see just how ill you are. With their help you can and will recover from this.

susanann Fri 14-Dec-12 17:55:36

hi ive been on sertraline for a while and its ok. You are doing all you can, hang in there. Your husband sounds great. He obviously doesnt think he would be better off without you. Just get through one day at a time. Youre doing ok. As stnick said youre ill and scared, and its ok to feel like that. Its not nice but its ok. Dont punish yourself. Take care sweetheart x

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