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Pregnant with horrific negative thoughts-am I evil or is it the illness?

(167 Posts)
LosingItBigTime Wed 19-Sep-12 13:15:34

I've not been overly ecstatic throughout this pregnancy. It was a shock-my second-I'd vowed I'd never do it again but it didn't work out that way. I have had PND and have now been diagnosed with AND

I am an overly anxious if not OCD type mother and get ridiculously stressed and worked up over my child's routine and sleep. I simply cannot function when sleep deprived. As I get so anxious about my child's sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) my own sleep is completely out of whack. I think I hear crying when there is none. I've resorted to sleeping in spare room with ear plugs in while DH keeps monitor with him in our bedroom (next to our child's room) because I get far too agitated at every sound. But even with these measures I'm not sleeping well at all. 2-4 hours per night.

I have been panicked beyond belief about how I'm going to cope with this and the further sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. My irrational and negative thoughts often seem to be linked to the days when I feel particularly sleep deprived,

Anyway, I finally admitted some horrific negative thoughts to the midwife on the MH team today. I am scared to death of the thoughts I'm having and I had to be honest with her in case I end up like one of those mothers on the news.

I hate the child growing in me. Every movement makes me mad. I want to punch my belly and wish it would just go away. I am scared of it and feel like I don't want it anywhere near me when it is born. I don't want it and I just cry and cry when I have to go through all the motions of having to prepare for its arrival.

I am sickened by myself. I know these feelings are utterly disgusting but they are there. I am evil because I know there are so many people desperate for children and I've been 'blessed' but I really don't feel 'blessed'. I just want to run away from it all but I can't. My DH and mum know how I feel-I've told them I have fears I could harm this child. I have told them I should give it up to someone who wants it. I told this to the MH midwife too. But they all seem to think that once the baby is here, I will magically feel different.

Please someone, anyone, have you experienced these kind of thoughts and then they went away? Or am I just pure evil? I think I could be. I hate everything about my life. I don't enjoy being a mum-and I don't feel like I can do it a second time round. Oh God, I sound so bloody awful and pathetic. If someone offered to cut me open with a rusty knife with no pain relief to take this baby away I'd happily agree. I am truly evil. God help me.

purplepenguin86 Wed 19-Sep-12 13:46:13

You're not evil, you're ill. I don't have children so have no direct experience to share, but I do have severe depression, and when I am very ill I have horrible thoughts that do feel evil, so I can relate. Have the MH team offered much in the way of support? Keep talking to them about how you are feeling - there are options, for example if you are still very ill when the baby is born there are mother and baby units, where you would get a lot of support. I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say, but I didn't want to read and run, and you are NOT evil.

PebblePots Wed 19-Sep-12 16:31:53

Oh honey, you are not evil. I am no expert but have post natal anxiety & have been horrendously stressed about my baby's sleep & feeding & not sleeping myself. I was prescribed anti depressants & have been doing Cbt, so it is more under control. You may have similar pnd/anxiety, I think you need to see your doctor straight away & get some help. Well done for being open about your feelings, now just make sure you get help for yourself.

You CAN feel better with help. Also your dp & dm need to take your feelings seriously, you could do with lots of help & support from them. Can you speak to them again?

PebblePots Wed 19-Sep-12 16:36:43

Sorry, just re-read your op, & see that you did have pnd (i'm not sure what and is). Sounds like you need more support anyway - start at the doctors? Is that something that sounds like it might be a good idea?

Sympathy for the panicky feelings, it's horrible isn't it?

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 19-Sep-12 16:41:54

Oh, you poor love. No, you're not evil.

Posting and running now, but there is help, honestly. Make an emergency appt with your GP, tell him or her how you are feeling and that the MH midwife knows.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 19-Sep-12 16:42:11

PebblePots, AND = ante-natal depression

PebblePots Wed 19-Sep-12 17:03:23

Thank you, Even.

op, your symptoms are clearly not under control & you need more help from your GP & at home. X

Yes, I have experienced bad feelings (towards my newborn) & yes they have gone away now. To tell you how bad it was & show you it can get better:

I used to think my dd had black eyes like the pits of hell at night. I thought she had a horrible beaky face. It would be better if she was dead. I should put her up for adoption, I thought I was going to end up in hospital. Wished we had never had a baby.

I hate putting these things in writing for all to see, I don't feel any if these things now, my dd is 9 months & much loved & wanted. I am mainly feeling like myself again but still on the road to recovery. I have had lots of help, medication from my GP & constant daily help from my mum until I felt able to cope. I would have felt the same as you if I got pregnant again when feeling like this.

I understand how deep the panic is.

I know at least 2 other people who have had pnd & these thoughts are not uncommon.

Is there anything else I can do to help you? I am maybe not great at reaching out to other people & striking the right note, but would like to be here for you, as I understand how you feel. Hope I'm not beeing too bossy! smile

LosingItBigTime Wed 19-Sep-12 19:29:32

Thank you for being so kind. I'm so scared of all these feelings. I can't be around babies or I start to panic.

I have crisis team coming to visit me at home. I haven't seen my GP for a while as the MH specialist midwife put in place the help from crisis team and referred me to consultant psych. I guess I should keep my GP in the loop?

Have been taking medication too but not for long.

I just feel like I am not able to cope and if I had somewhere to run and hide I would go. PP you didnt come across as bossy at all. Reading whatust have been terribly difficult for you to write above made me feel like I'm not the only one. It was incredibly difficult to start this thread but the thoughts are starting to take over and I just want to hurt myself so much. I get agitated to the point where I can't rationalise and if DH hadn't taken a glass out of my hand yesterday it would've been smashed into my face. I've been bashing my head, pulling my hair, scratching my face to try to deal with the anger and pain. It took all my energy to not plunge a knife into myself in the middle of the night.

I think I'm going mad but then if I was going mad wouldn't I think I was totally normal and deny being mad? I know mad is not a very nice word but that is honestly how I'd describe myself and my behaviour.

purplepenguin86 Wed 19-Sep-12 19:46:43

I'm glad the crisis team are visiting. Do you feel able to talk to them? I know it is a last resort, but if things do get worse then hospital may be an option if you don't feel able to keep yourself safe etc, and again once the baby is born if you are still having these thoughts. Keep talking to the professionals and being honest with them about what you're experiencing. Am happy to listen any time if that helps at all. It sounds like PP has lots of good advice, and has been in a very similar position.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 19-Sep-12 19:57:40

I hope the crisis team get you seen by the psych as a priority. purplepenguin makes a good point; perhaps a voluntary stay in hospital might be a good idea, as it will take some of the pressure off you and your dh regarding your safety. You will be treated with the care and compassion you deserve.

You can be in a bad place (I prefer that to 'mad') and have awareness. You are doing the right thing getting help; keep talking openly; be completely honest with the crisis team and ask them to help you.

PebblePots, thank you too for your brave post.

Jollyb Wed 19-Sep-12 19:58:49

losing it. Please remember you are ill. Depression is an illness. You are not a bad mother or evil person. These feelings will pass.

It sounds like you are already in touch with the right people and hopefully the antidepressants will kick in soon. It's a good sign that you have insight and have been able to speak to your MH midwife about your feelings. They may suggest a period as an inpatient or a stay on a mother and baby unit after the birth. You shouldn't be ashamed of doing either of these.

Will be thinking of you. I had AND and PND with my daughter and a lot of my anxiety stemmed around the sleep issues too. What saved me was hiring a postnatal doula for a couple of mornings a week so I knew whatever came I could have a rest in the morning.

Jollyb Wed 19-Sep-12 20:01:19

Another thought - if you've just started antidepressants could these be heightening the anxiety? This is not an uncommon side effect. Good luck with the crisis team

PebblePots Wed 19-Sep-12 20:27:39

Hi, another voice to say you are not going mad, just very overwhelmed & struggling with AND. When is your crisis team coming to visit you?

If that team is taking care of your treatment, I wouldn't think you need to worry yourself about informing your GP.

If you've not been on medication long, maybe it hasn't kicked in yet or you need a higher dose. I found my GP very conservative with upping my dose, which made it take longer for me to feel better & the onus was on me to ask for a higher dose.

Just hold tight, you WILL feel better, just need to get through this bit where things are still bad. I think you need to be seen very soon, op, it's worrying the way you are feeling about hurting yourself.

I had a lovely little book of quotes, this one appealed to me:

Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the tree.

Is your mum near you? Could she come & just be with you tonight/tomorrow.

AngelaMerkel Wed 19-Sep-12 20:44:55

You don't say how far along you are? You have/have had the opportunity to terminate, and the fact you've chosen not to does indicate that something within you really will protect this baby.

has anyone suggested a Mother and baby Unit once the baby is here? Again giving you/both a chance to bond in a much less stressful place.

Are you getting help with the root cause of the OCD/anxiety

PebblePots Wed 19-Sep-12 21:33:38

Hi, (again!), no you are not the only one, when you start asking around, there are lots of us who have pnd/and. I know the feeling of wanting to run away.

I have a friend who got ocd as part of pnd & had dozens of checks to do before bed & she couldn't even sleep then. She got treatment, had a second child, struggled again & is now starting to relax
I couldn't sleep either, nights can seem long & lonely & overwhelming but the daytime will always come smile

I hope your dh can be there for you. Mine did not understand very well, can you ask him for what you need, e.g. lots of hugs, him to tell you he's got you & that everything will be ok (or whatever it is you need to hear) & keep repeating lots.

PebblePots Thu 20-Sep-12 08:47:13

Hello, how are you this morning? Was thinking of you in the night

LosingItBigTime Thu 20-Sep-12 10:24:36

Hi pebblepots

I calmed down last night eventually. Thank you for all your kind support and for being so brave about the feelings you experienced.

There are times I feel like I am fighting the urge to hurt myself so much...

jollyb I think as its early days on meds too that some of these uncontrollable feelings are side effects. I just don't know who or what I am. Is this me? Is this the illness or is it side effects? It is very confusing.

Angela M I think I wanted to terminate but my DH persuaded me that we would cope and get through. He said it was important for our child to have a sibling and if anything happened to us they'd be there for each other. I can't remember well now as I'm pretty much close to my due date now and have been pretty much all over the place throughout this pregnancy.

Thank you everyone for reassuring me. I have to work on controlling my anger and frustration.

LosingItBigTime Thu 20-Sep-12 10:47:33

purple penguin and even... I will discuss a possible stay in hospital with the people who come to see me. They are due to see me tomorrow. Thank you both. Thank you all.

I think I'm in some form of denial. It's like I'm avoiding preparing for this baby. I haven't packed a hospital bag or bought bottles or anything. I can't bring myself to do it-almost as if I've convinced myself this will all go away. But I know it won't.

PebblePots Thu 20-Sep-12 20:00:38

Just popping by to say hi, I hope tonight is ok for you, just 1 more night before you see your medical peeps & hopefully they can start to make things better for you. Can someone else do the preparations for the baby so don't have to!

Isn't it crazy that side effects to ADs can make you worse, that's all you need!

Well yesterday I started a yoga class! grin it was so lovely to do something for me & not baby related, very relaxing. It's like a little time-out back to the person I was before being a mum seemed to take over everything! I'm hoping as more time goes by, life will start to seem more back to normal!

Last night I didn't sleep too well so if you were awake, you were not alone! Mind too active & buzzing with thoughts, annoying!

Off for my dinner now...

purplepenguin86 Thu 20-Sep-12 20:29:24

Also slept badly last night! Just wanted to say I hope you get on ok with the crisis team tomorrow - I hope they offer some type of support. Keep talking here whenever you want, I'm more than happy to listen, and I'm sure PebblePots feels the same.

MummyShirl Sat 22-Sep-12 23:32:34

Hun, you are not evil. i have been exactly where you are. it feels like your stuck in a world of darkness that youll never escape but you will!i had negative thoughts, i was abused as a child and havin a baby myself brought up alot of memories i did not want to deal with. i was so over protective of my child that my anxiety hit the roof. i didnt trust anyone. i would obsess on what a horrible world id brought a baby into and convinced myself i didnt deserve him. I got diagnosed with post natal ocd( obsessive worrying) i was actually making my self sooo ill by worrying about things i couldnt control. if your havin negative thoughts, look up cbt techniques online that can help. for instance, your saying you wanna hit your belly. this is just a thought. EVERYONE has horrible thoughts, its the emotion you tie to it that makes it repeat in your head. when it comes, think about what goes against that thought. like youve never hurt anyone elses child so where is the proof you would hurt your own?theres none. its just a thought. then breathe. strange technique but buy a beaded braclet or elastic band. wear it. everytime you have a thought, snap the band and imagine a hot beach or a image that comforts you and distances you from the thought. it helped me a lot. Not everyone is a natural parent. i wasnt. sometimes you have to grow into your role. take it one day at a time. i still have hard days. see your doc hun.take care xx

PebblePots Sun 23-Sep-12 07:55:54

Hope you are ok Losing, I keep checking in on your thread to see if you've been back - my thoughts are with you & hope things are going ok.

ophelia275 Sun 23-Sep-12 13:27:50

I have sent you a private message. Hugs x

LosingItBigTime Sun 23-Sep-12 20:15:46

Thank you all so much for all the reassurance and support everyone. I have been seen by a psychiatrist and the crisis team. They have suggested a stay in hospital but I'm very scared about that and DH doesn't want me going in either. Plus I've got to think of my little boy too.

I've been a lot calmer, perhaps the medication is starting to do its job as I've had the dose increased. I'm still not ready for this new child at all and still can't bring myself to get anything ready at all.

I was really honest with them but couldn't completely get the words out until the man from the crisis team asked me if I wished the baby was dead. I cried and cried at the point but had to admit that's what I was hoping for. I don't know what has happened to me. I have nothing left to give. I still feel terribly evil for wishing an innocent child dead but I genuinely feel that the child would be better off than coming into such a shit world and ending up with such a shit mother.

I have just started feeling close to my son and have felt warmth and affection for him after such a long time and I just don't feel I have anything or any space left in my heart or mind for another child. Sick really when there are so many people desperate for kids. I'm sorry for how negative I am and feel.

MummyShirl Sun 23-Sep-12 21:03:47

i so wish you had someone to talk to face to face who has felt similar. I think it would really open your eyes to see you really arent the only one. it sounds like you may have had pnd with ur first baby.i suffered with depression for years b4 my pregnancy and i can tell you nothing has made me feel more horrendous than pnd. This horrible time will pass hun. face your fears head on and then you can overcome anything. im thinking of you, hang in there. xx

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