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I'm having a bit of a crisis moment

(101 Posts)
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sat 28-Apr-12 20:37:37

Bit of background. I was signed off work at the start of Feb with stress and have been on Fluoxetine for depression and propanolol when needed for anxiety. Started off on 20mg Fluoxetine, but upped to 40mg after 6 weeks as I was still pretty frantic.

I started back at work last week as I really had to. They're reorganising again which means my job is under threat for the 5th time since 2007 and I have to be there. My managment have been really good over the last few weeks and have allowed a gradual return to work with me working a lot from home as so long as I have a good internet connection I can do a lot of my job from anywhere.

The thing is that I am back in the actual office on Monday and since mid last week I have been back to where I was before I was signed off which to be frank is a pretty dark place where all I can think of is getting in my car and driving off somewhere and not coming back. This is not a good thing.

Realistically I know I am not well enough to be working. I've not slept properly for two weeks, I am so on edge I can't bear the thought of going out and doing anything and I am feeling pretty close to the edge of reason, but I don't see what else I can do. I support my family financially, DH's salary wouldn't cover the mortgage let alone anything else, so I have to go back and start earning again, even though the thought is, frankly, making me suicidal.

I don't even know why I am writing this here as there's nothing much anyone can do, I just need to get on with it, but I just had to get it out somewhere how bloody awful I am feeling right now. My life is bloody hard work and a bit too much to cope with. Two small children, one with SN. A stressful management job that supports the whole family. Its too much and I just don't think I can do it any more. But I will. Monday will see me getting dressed in my suit and killer heels and going and managing a load of staff and picking up a load of projects that have been iced in my absense and all of the rest of the stuff that needs doing, but I am actually sceaming inside at the thought of it.

fluffydressinggown Sat 28-Apr-12 21:49:49

You could go back to your GP, or ring the crisis team for support.

I am sorry you feel so low.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 29-Apr-12 10:27:42

Thanks for replying. I just feel so horribly trapped by it all and I know its down to being ill rather than anything else so I need to keep that in mind. I will see how tomorrow goes. I can always ask my doctor to extend my phased return if its too much.

NanaNina Sun 29-Apr-12 17:55:05

So sorry Keema at your plight. I know the torment of depression and the thought of having to cope with it and children and a high powered job, just is too much I think. Is the main problem depression or anxiety or both together which is usual. Do you think you nose dive last week is the thought of having to turn up at the office on Monday. IF you really can't cope, then you will have to go off sick again- if you had pneumonia you wouldn't be able to work, nor would anyone expect you to. The trouble with mental illness, it is not understood by the vast majority of people. I think it's only by experiencing it that you can understand.

Do you think the stress of the job is the root of your dep/anx and are the meds doing any good at all. Maybe your DH needs to look for a better paid job though I know how hopeless it is with unemployment so high. There is a book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" can't remember who wrote it but it's on Amazon. Keep us posted. Sending good wishes and empathy x

FDG I have been wondering how things are with you. Better I hope?

liveinazoo Sun 29-Apr-12 17:59:35

sadly i dont have the answers just a listening ear honey

wishing you the very best of luck

i will be thinking of you tomorrow.x

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 29-Apr-12 20:09:37

I don't really think there are any answers out there. Its not really possible for DH to get something better paid for various reasons and its never been a problem as I've always earned enough, but this is my second bout of depression in four years and something is going to give at some point.

I did speak to my GP last week about trying to sort myself out and she's referred me to the community mental health team. Until now I've been very much of a "take the pills and get on with it" frame of mind, but I've admitted that maybe it needs something more.

DH isn't very supportive - he's great practically, but not emotionally. In fact he thought I was going to work for a few weeks when I wasn't, as he was so dismissive about me having a panic attack that I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. Thats not good.

Its not the job per se. I've always worked, I know what I'm doing and there's bits of what I do that I really enjoy, but it needs me to put the hours in and its difficult when I'm being called every 5 mins from DS's school as he's struggling and I'm juggling that with a toddler as well.

I really just don't like life very much at the moment. Its too hard and I'm absolutely knackered.

NanaNina Tue 01-May-12 13:16:32

Sorry don't want to hi jack the thread but been wondering about you zoo - how are you now?

How is the week going for you Keema - had to smile at the smart suit and killer heels.....

MrsMuddyPuddles Tue 01-May-12 16:29:14

"its difficult when I'm being called every 5 mins from DS's school as he's struggling and I'm juggling that with a toddler as well."

Can your DH not be the one called from the school when they need a parent?

MrsMuddyPuddles Tue 01-May-12 16:32:17

posted too quickly, I meant to ask you whether you went in, and how it went? good luck, I hope you get the space you need to get well!

orangeandlemons Tue 01-May-12 16:39:03

Perhaps you need to change from fluoxetine hmm 40 mg is quite high (is it?). Have you been referred? I would have thought it should have been kicking in properly by now.

I wish I could offer advice, but am in same boat. Off since Jan, and sick of life being so hard. One book worth reading is "The Feeling Good Handbook". I hate self help books normally, but this is CBT, and it is like a workbook thing you go through. The other thing is "Moodgym" website. Or it might be "Mindgym"

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Tue 01-May-12 19:33:11

Hi - thanks for checking back in, its appreciated. I did make it into work, but I had a dreadful day today to make up for it. Up at 4am with anxiety and really disturbed sleep. I was kind to myself and worked from home again today and may go back to my GP tomorrow to see if they can suggest anything better than propanolol for the anxiety.

The higher dose of Fluoxetine is to help with the OCD symptoms that I get along with the depression. Its worked before which is why I'm OK to stick at it for a while. I don't think there's much that couldn't be made better than not having to go back right now.

I've been referred to the community mental health team, but it takes an age to get anything here as provision is appalling. The current waiting list if you're not having a crisis is about 6-9 mos, so I am waiting on that one.

orangeandlemons Tue 01-May-12 19:41:34

What I don't understand is why you are having bad anxiety when you are on medication to help it. I have been on several ad's 4 of which have made my anxiety much worse, not just at the beginning, but all the time. I wonder if this is happeneing to you?

If it is any help, clomiprimine was fanatstic for anxiety and is the best one for OCD if I'm not mistaken. It was also the best antidepressant I have ever been on

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Tue 01-May-12 20:39:18

Since the anxiety didn't kick in again until I was going back in to work this week, I've not seen the need to change the ADs that I'm on and I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to change when I'm having to work which is why I was thinking that trying something else for the anxiety may be better. Its certainly worth discussing it with my GP when I see her tomorrow.

I've had fluoxetine before and found it really effective, so it would be a pain if it isn't going to work this time.

orangeandlemons Wed 02-May-12 12:45:05

Hope you see this before you go to docs. There is a new medication for anxiety called pregabalin. It has been licensed since 2007. It isn't an anti-depressant but is meant to be very good. It takes about 4 weeks to work.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 02-May-12 16:38:57

Thanks orange, I didn't make it to the GP today as DS was sick and off school. I'm going to have to do something though as my head is not a good place at the moment and there must be something I can do about it. Thanks for the advice.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Thu 03-May-12 09:10:04

I've managed to get an appointment today with the GP, but not my usual one as they're not on today. I just felt so cross when the receptionist asked what it was about and I said Anxiety and her reply was "Well we've only got appointments left for real emergencies today, does it have to be today you see a doctor".

Real emergencies FFS.

I've felt like I'm choking on my own throat and haven't been able to stop thinking about hurting myself for the last two days and actually, yes, it IS an emergency as I'm beginning to scare myself at how detatched I'm starting to feel about everything. Thankfully I do have the presence of mind to know that I need help and not to be put off by a sodding receptionist but its not what I needed to hear. Real emergencies my arse. I'm really not into grand gestures or being a drama llama but if I can't get through an hour without thinking of jumping off a building I think I'm allowed to see a sodding GP.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Thu 03-May-12 12:44:04

Went to see the GP who was brilliant.

Temp upping of Fluoxetine to 60mg.
Small no of Diazepam to get me through the next few days.
Referal and call from the crisis team.
Back off work again.

Thank fuck for that.

MrsMuddyPuddles Thu 03-May-12 20:01:48

Glad you had the presence of mind to say "yes it's a real emergency "

EmyC Thu 03-May-12 20:11:59

Keema, i found that fluoxitine takes forever to kick in, hope the mental health team can assist too, like the other lady mentioned, it's a battle with mental health issues as they aren't as apparent to others as a physical issue, but can effect you in that way too. Sounds like you are a bit of a superwoman to cope with it all :-) hopes things get easier and better for you.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Thu 03-May-12 20:53:40

I'm feeling quite calm at the moment on the diazepam. Its the first time in at least a week that I've not been battling really dark thoughts all of the time which is a relief - but typing is a bit more tricky!

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I'll be ok getting through the day, but I've never met with the crisis team tomorrow and I have an assessment with them in the afternoon.

Does anyone have any experience of that? I have no idea what to expect.

EmyC Thu 03-May-12 21:11:47
Keena, excuse the long link just some info on mental health emergencies etc and another link to 'Care Programme Approach (CPA) assessment' a detailed care plan so the people that are supporting you know how best to achive this.

EmyC Thu 03-May-12 21:13:47

They will probably just chat to you :-)

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Thu 03-May-12 21:49:15

Thanks EmyC, its appreciate smile

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Fri 04-May-12 04:56:47

Argh stupid waking up anxiety. sad

Jnice Fri 04-May-12 05:25:05

Hi Keema, I just read your thread. I don't have any good advice but am on a different time zone (west coast Canada) if you need to vent.

I have 3 DSs and on mat leave with PND right now and previous bouts of depression too. Waiting to start CBT. Just wanted you t know someone is here.

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