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Am I having a breakdown?

(681 Posts)
Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 13:54:18

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:03:50

Crying not eying

VikingBlood Mon 16-Jan-12 14:06:18

Very un MN, but <hugs> , sounds like depression, glad you've made an appointment, can you eat some chocolate and have a cuppa for now?

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:07:21

It certainly sounds like how I was when I was at my lowest with anxiety/depression. It is a horrible place to be and I definitely think going to the doctor is a good idea - just tell him/her how you feel and they will sort out some help in the way of counselling/cbt/medication.

Don't feel guilty about your behaviour - your DCs won't be harmed by a one-off falling out between you and DH. You aren't letting your family down - you are ill and you need a rest.

Be kind to yourself - cry if you feel like it, have a bath, make sure you eat well and healthily even if you don't feel hungry, can you go out for a walk in the fresh air?

Hopefully some wiser Mnetters will be around with more/better advice.

LineRunner Mon 16-Jan-12 14:14:34

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but glad you will be getting help.

Please don't worry about your DCs, but do think through how you are communicating with them. Tell them that you are not feeling too well, and that you are seeing a doctor, and that dad/daddy has been a terrific help. Don't let them guess in the dark about what's wrong because they'll guess all the worst things and it will be that anxiety that could cause problems, rather than the fact of you feeling down. Make sure there are still cuddles and 'I love yous,' and you will all get through this.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:19:53

Thank you. I can't go out. I just can't. I don't want to go the doctor but I have to for DH. I am pathetic. I have a life that lots of people would envy but I am so ungrateful. I feel like my family, not DH and the kids, my parents and wider family, I feel like they don't really love me and they are just acting, I know that sounds mad. Maybe I am mad. I should have been at a family event today and didn't want to go because I felt everyone would be thinking how fat and scruffy I look. Usually I like getting together with family. I am good in social situations and will talk to anyone. I can't do that anymore. At Christmas I felt like I didn't even know them. Shit! I am going mad aren't I? It sounds so crazy. I want to curl in a ball and give up.

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 14:20:33

Bless you, I have never experienced this (apart from PMS which sometimes makes me feel I am losing my mind completely) but I do feel for people who do. Try not to be hard on yourself - at least you've taken the first step now and hopefully the doctor will be able to give you the help you need. Sounds like you have a lovely, supportive husband too. Hope you feel better soon xx

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:21:11

I am so fightened of anyone finding out. I have told DH not to tell anyone Andy know that is unfair but I can't face anyone.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:23:16

He is lovely and supportive. He deserves so much more than I give him. I keep asking if he loves me and making him promise that he does. I just keep saying how sorry I am. Oh please help me

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:28:49

You aren't going mad - honestly. Going to the doctor will hopefully help get you some coping strategies and no-one will be judging you. Can you put a good film on for the afternoon or have a bath or a snooze?

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:30:06

Also - if you go to the mental heath board there are some lovely posters on there who have felt exactly the same way as you do now.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:36:27

Thank you. I feel like they would be better off without me. I am just causing them upset. DH could find someone else. Someone who would be better at everything. I know all this is irrational, I do but it's how I feel. I want walk away and keep going or go to bed and never wake up.

controlpantsandgladrags Mon 16-Jan-12 14:39:20

They absolutely would not be better off without you. That is depression talking. It's an illness which can be successfully treated...take it from one who has been there smile

Hang on in there and talk honestly with your doctor. I promise that you will get better.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:44:02

I am so tired.

Jacksterbear Mon 16-Jan-12 14:51:45

Do keep that doctor's appmt. Print out your OP or write a list of symptoms if you think you are likely to fall apart and not be able to speak when you get there.

Anti-depressants and exercise have really helped sort me out when I have been where you are.

<un MN hugs>

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:54:03

I don't think I can go. I don't think I can do it

droitwichmummy Mon 16-Jan-12 15:07:16

I could have written your post last October! What you are describing is exactly how I felt. I managed to get to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants (a really low dose). That was increased slightly in December but is still low.
I now feel great! I feel like I am back to being me again for the first time in ages (probably years if I am honest).
Just explain to the doctor how you feel. Cry if you want to (you probably will anyway, I did). There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, they have seen it before.
Remember that depression is an illness and you need help to get better and that might include tablets.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:17:00

But what if I'm not ill? What if I'm just a horrible person. I can't explain what I mean because I suppose I've not really done anything wrong, except it feels like I'm doing everything wrong. I am sick of sorting everyone else's problems out but that just make sme a bitch. I should want to help the people I care about. I don't know if I love any of them, I don't know if I know what love is. I don't think I'm making much sense but all these thoughts are jumbled in y head and I want to let them out. I am scared. I am scared that they will make me go to hospital if I tell them what is really happening in my head.i am scared that DH will get pissed off and stop loving me. I don't know if he loves me. Does he just feel a duty because of our time together and our children? I want to scream and cry and just let it all out but I'm afraid I won't stop. Am I crazy? Why are these thoughts in my head? I think I feel worse than I did when I woke up. I want to crawl back in bed.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:27:05

Please can I keep typing, even if no one replies, it feels better to get it out. Last night I went to a family memorial service, it wasn't anyone close to me and I only went as support for my mum. Her cousin said something about someone she knew and how their child is naughty and they feel it's retribution. I felt she was aiming the comment at me, I think I am feeling paranoid becaused I want to say I'm sure she wasn't but I still feel that she was. DH has cancelled all his plans today and the dc will miss an activity, I told him to go but he said he would rather be with me if I am unwell. I feel so guilty and pathetic. I am so very lucky to be married to such a fantastic man and our children are our pride and joy. I am so lucky. It makes me feel even worse though when I think how lucky I am because I am letting everyone down. I have been through some things in my life but they are over and I should be living in the present not the past. I can't carry on like this but I just don't know if I can get dressed and go out. What if I cry in the waiting room? I never cry. Even my oldest friends have only even seen me cry maybe once or twice in 20 years. I pick up the pieces, I don't fall to pieces. I am the strong one, without that, who am I?

TobyLeWolef Mon 16-Jan-12 15:32:19

Oh, poor you sad

Please make sure you go to the doctors tomorrow.

Look back at what you just wrote: I am so very lucky to be married to such a fantastic man and our children are our pride and joy. I am so lucky.

Are they the words of "just a horrible person"? No way.

Your DH sounds amazing, and like he loves you very much. Let him look after you, but please 'repay' him for his understanding by going to the appointment he's made you.

30SecondsToMarsBars Mon 16-Jan-12 15:33:51

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30SecondsToMarsBars Mon 16-Jan-12 15:34:46

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Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:40:32

DH has gone to pick up dcs from school, he hasn't got any of his work done today. HI hope he loves me Toby, I just don't feel loveable if that makes sense. He asked why I would think he didn't love me and I said because I wouldn't love me if I was him. I don't want him to be out of the house. I want him sat with all the time holding my hand and stroking my hair but I know that isn't right or possible. My babies are my life but I don't feel like I love them today. I don't want them to come home from school. I wish I could send them somewhere for a few days. I just want DH. What is happening to me? I not a needy person. I like my space. I just want DH, I just want us to go to bed and cuddle and cry and stay where its warm and safe. Everything and everyone that has hurt me in my life is flooding back today. I feel like I'm drowning.

TobyLeWolef Mon 16-Jan-12 15:51:30

Of course he loves you, and of course you are lovable. Your brain is just doing odd things at the moment, which is why your doctors appointment is so important.

Would it help you to write down some of these things you're feeling, so that you don't forget to tell your doctor anything at the appointment?

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:55:13

Isn't know Toby. I don't know if can say these things. What if they think I am crazy? I feel crazy. DH will be with me.

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