This is my first time using this website and I would be grateful for advice. I am mum to a 6 and a half month old little boy. I love him dearly but I just find parenting so difficult and feel like I must be so selfish as I resent having to constantly put him first.
I had a difficult birth, it was emergency c section and I breast fed for 2 months despite constant criticism about how he was going hungry. I have been getting really ill on/off since I had him and have now found out that it is gallstones but I am too fat to be operated on at the moment.
I am happily married but my husband is in the navy and away intermittently. My family live 3 hours away and I only have 1 real friend who cares but is domineering and makes me feel inadequate. She insists on spending 2 full days a week with us and will not let me push the pram during these days. One time I changed my son and she whipped him out of my arms and I just wanted to cry. When I got home that day I did cry bucket loads as I felt so worn down.
I feel like my son is sapping all the life out of me and nothing I do is good enough. When ever I leave the room he wails and I find this clinginess so draining. I will do anything for him, I make all his food from scratch and spend many nights reading baby books and try hard to get it right. I just think I am so tense and stressed and I don't know if I am making him like it and so a vicious circle starts!
Sometimes I shout and tell him to f off and feel like the most wicked wretched mum ever.There are times when he just won't stop crying and it gets me so mad so quick! HELP!!
he will be picking up on your stresses, which will make him stressed.
He is pobably going through a clingy stage... just try to say to yourself, he is only a baby and when mummy leaves the room, he isn't convinced you will come back. Agree it is stress full!
Do you get out of the house much? if your baby can sit up, you could sit him in the baby swings at the park, and get chatting to other mums?
It sounds like qa lot of your problem is isolation, and I would feel miserable too if I was isolated.
If you ever feel like screaming at him, or hurting him, go and put him in his cot with some safe toys, and go downstairs until you feel 'safe' to be with him.
Mumsnet is good for chatting and support, where do you live? You could join one of the meet up threads, would get you out and about with some adults. Or the post natal groups?
Hope that helps, and hope you feel better soon. If you feel that things couldn't be remedied by a better quality of life for you, maybe you should go to your dr and ask about some anti depressants, as PND is a truly evil illness, just as flu is an illness, and your dr can help you.
Thanks for your answer. I have never deliberately hurt him but he fell off the sofa one day when I turned around to get a nappy and I felt so guilty. I have learned my lesson from that one. He is so precious to me I could never hurt him. My biggest urge is to just walk away sometimes. Yes I probably am isolated. I want to make new friends but I can be standoffish as I am scared of rejection. I used to go to mum and baby groups but that has stopped over the summer.