I just had a good cry

[KemalsStilletto]

I have felt so down since I got home from work today. I havent had a bad day, good infact, not many customers, had fun with the replacement boss while mine is on holiday and the day sailed by quite nicely but since I got home I have felt so down and thinking nasty nasty thoughts and just laid on my bed and cried for hours. I'm certain my mum heared me but she didn't even bother to come see what was wrong. She was more interested in tending to her precious computer because it wasnt connecting to the net and swearing at me because I had 'broken it' even though I didn't do anything apart from come for a nosey on mumsnet. I dont suppose I want any advise, nor sympathy, just a rant before I fecking explode with all this anger and hatred inside of me! I feel so guilty feeling so negative and upset, especially when ppl have much bigger worries.

[dropinthe]

Whats up REALLY lady??

[WigWamBam]

Hey, if you can't rant here, where can you? Come on, tell us what's wrong.

[KemalsStilletto]

Oh I don't know. Sometimes I think I am just overreacting, drama queen is my middle name, but today they were real tears and last night too. There is loads of things that is getting me down. Things that some ppl might find silly.

[dropinthe]

No-we all,as real people with real lives have times when very silly things get us down-when very real things get us very down and when God shits on us from a great height-where are you??

[MrsGordonRamsay]

Ok


Try us, that is what we are here for...honest

[nightowl]

go on rant away...

[KemalsStilletto]

well here is my list;

1st of all my ex took off, moved to a new city 6 months ago. We were together 3 yrs, I found out he was married living with a woman and she found out about me and gave me loads of shit. Its now over but still gets to me how he lied and stuff and also I fell pregnant to him he told me to go get abortion, I had a m/c and he went mad at me, blaming me saying I must have done something wrong to loose the baby even tho he was the one who told me to get abortion.

2nd of all where I live gets me down. Thats probably really shallow, I know, but I want to live somewhere rural in a nice village but I live in a town in Oldham where people constatly judge you on how you look and there is no friendliness.

3rd of all I had abortion at 18. My then boyfriend who was verbally abusive and always critising my weight, my job, my style, everything he forced me into the abortion, as did my mother. None of them take responsibility for it and now I am wracked with guilt and always think if I hadn't had the abortion I would have a 2 yr old son running around right now and I am so down that the baby is not here where he should be. Nothing can ever change what happened, but I dont know how I can move forward without the baby or nothing anyone says can make up for the fact is it gone. I hope I will be able to have children in the future but this one and the m/c'd one will always be in my mind and how can I move forward without them? I also did have a few worries about being infertile but I have now been able to put my mind at rest for now, however, I find myself looking at baby clothes and longing to fall pregnant. I'm frightened I so desperately want a child to make up for these 2 so badly I might end up making a child with any old man that comes along.

4th of all I may have contracted an STI from my recently ex'd dp. I have been for tests at my local sexual health clinic and have to wait 2 weeks for results. My mother and I are the sirt who are close one minute, but screaming and really disliking each other the next, so when she found out I had gone for tests she was really horrible and told me I have to stop 'putting it around' but I slept with 1 male who I was in a relationship with and have been with previously for a few years and I did love him. It's rich coming from her as she is going to meet some guiy off the net in Sept who lives in Albania and they have had webcam sex (eurgghh) and will DEFINATELY sleep together.

I'm so sorry I've just blabbered on with myself! It is good to get it all out in the open though.

[KemalsStilletto]

sorry, it's so long

[dropinthe]

Oh,sorry sweetheart-wasn't around to accept your rant,(too bloody busy on ebay)-what a horrible situation to be in.Can I say something that you may not like??? My Mum had me at the tender age of 20-I never met my Dad and he died in 1993-I still hadn't met him-I am now the age of 36-when I had my first son at age 33 I was only just ready-unless you have an extremely strong and sturdy relationship, I feel NO woman should even contemplate children in her twenties-shoot me down if you want-but you are still a girl with LOTS to do,LOTS to see,Good men to meet and lots of great sex to have,(sod off whoever called you a slag-she is jealous!!)
Don't feel bad,please??

[MrsGordonRamsay]

KemalsStilletto

How very dificult for you.

[dropinthe]

Yes-I would still love to talk to you???

[MarsLady]

so what do you want to do?

[MarsLady]

are you still there?

[MrsGordonRamsay]

Ks


I feel as though I know you, come back and talk to us

[MarsLady]

are you still there honey? Are you okay?

[KemalsStilletto]

sorry I got disconnected last night. Had some troubles with the computer so I went straight to bed. Woke up feeling a little better this morning but just going to try to forget about things and look forward to BB tonight

Thanks for all your advice and concerns xxx

[dropinthe]

Did you read what I said?

[KemalsStilletto]

hi dropinthe...yes I did read your message, thanks! I agree with you totally and now that I'm single I know it would be totally selfish to have a fatherless child so for now I'm happy to wait and go out dancing my socks off every night. I just suppose I want a baby to replace the one m/c'd and the abortion and to make the empty place in my heart whole again.

[MarsLady]

glad you are ok

[dropinthe]

There is plenty in life that can do that other than kids at your young age.Concentrate on career/travelling/learning/meeting and keeping new friends and as I mentioned before lots of TOP TOTTY!!!

[KemalsStilletto]

I dont want a man right now...i've started to fancy women too so even more options when it comes to totty, but i'm giving my love life a rest for a few months. I want to concentrate on moi for now.

[dropinthe]

Good for you! Be happy with yourself and accepting your mistakes-learn from them and move on!!