Scared it might happen to me again

[ChurchFarmHouse]

I had a bad time after DS was born in September. I have a DD1 as well who is 3 and a half. I had suicidal thoughts and was quite paranoid too, looking back. Secretly I had wanted another little girl and was numb when I had a little boy. I feel so bad writing this as he is a gorgeous little boy now and I love him to bits but he was really difficult as a little baby and I had terrible PND. I kept thinking that he was difficult because I was being punished for wanting a little girl. It all seems so stupid now.
The trouble is, I feel this has really affected my relationship with my husband. It shook me to the core as well and I feel very fragile. I had CBT which helped a bit but then I just seemed to come out of it myself a bit . I used to just try and get through the days by counting down the hours until the children went to bed.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting this is because I'm so scared it may happen to me again. I would dearly love to have another baby at some point but my Dr said "well you did get rather stressed with this baby," which made me feel even smaller than before. I know I must try and think positively all the time but it is such an effort sometimes. I love my children very much and really hope this comes through too.

[willsurvivethis]

Ouch you are hard for yourself...

Why do you need to think positive all the time? Sometimes you don't feel positive for a bit.

And the comment your doctor made was unhelpful to say the least. If you are prone to PND it can help to get support from the perinatal mental health team. You may still get PND but with more support you will cope better.

But cut yourself some slack - you love your kids and that's all that matters. No one is perfect.