Please help I don't know what to do anymore

[namechanger10]

I've namechanged, because I'm so ashamed.

I can't cope with life anymore. I can't cope with my son who just won't ever do as I ask him, I mean ever, like he can't hear me speak (he can) he shouts ove rme that he's "a good boy" over and over again.
I dread picking him up from nursery as there has always been an 'incident'.

I don't want to leave the house anymore. I'm so rubbish.

I just want to die, I can't run away becaus eno one will help with the kids someone would surely have to help if I wasn't here anymore.

I'm so desperate it actually really hurts inside.

[waitingforbedtime]

Im so sorry you feel like this. You need to try and see your GP for help - it is nothing to be ashamed of. Homestart may also be able ot help....

[Dumbledoresgirl]

I sympathise with you, I really do, but this boy is at nursery? He is 3 or 4 years old? Next time you tell him off and he does not listen to you, put him in his room for a cooling off period. Only speak to him when he is ready to listen to you. You are the parent, you are the adult, you are in control. You have to tell yourself this.

Would it be old fashioned of me to ask where his father is in all this? But even if you are alone, you can manage him and you must.

Have you had anyone look into whether you might be depressed given your feelings?

[willsurvivethis]

Hey hey hun slow down - big hug and cup of tea first.

Are you a single parent? Who if anyone supports you with the kids, ex-p, parents? sister? friend?

How old is your ds? And your other kids?

Sounds like he's being very challenging, what kind of incidents?

If you die the kids lose the most important person in their lives and you will leave a gap that no one can fill. Don't go there. I know the feeling, I've actually walked out with the intention of never coming back so ds could have a better mummy. I reached out for help and have learned it isn't true, that he needs me. Same for you.

The ds you struggle with probably needs you most of all. do you want to tell a bit more about what's going on? Get it off your chest?

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

I'm guessing from his shouting 'I'm a good boy' that he's very little?
Is he the oldest?
Just wondering if this has all stemmed from a new sibling's arrival/pnd?
You can sort all this out - first step is to get help for what sounds like depression (and when you're depressed it's hard to keep things in perspective).
It may be that you had quite a strict upbringing yourself, or maybe you're compensating for what you see as an overly liberal childhood.
When you feel well you'll no doubt see that a lot of what you see as naughty is normal behaviour, or maybe a reaction to circumstances.
Keep posting and I'm sure some sensible people will give you sound advice.

[Tortington]

as paretns we have the greatest poer and influence. if you think to your own parents - good or bad - as their child - you were profoundly affected by there actions as you were growing up - i know this becuase we all feel this way.

now project that to your son.

you are the biggest influence on his life - for good or for bad.

if you removed yourself fom the situation, myou would cause his irrevicable damage - lifelong.

my father died when i as 4.it has ( now i see in retrospect) profoundly affected my life choices.

what you need to do is phone parentline.

phone sure start
homestart
your PCt
your doctors

and FIGHT, fight for your right to enjoy being a mummy.

but whilst other people can put the scaffolding up around you to keep you standing, you need to make yourself strong from the insidde.

you need to cut yourself some slack

and make mental sacrifices - such as - hmmm should i spend my time keeping the house tidy ( or trying to) whilst son gets bored, screams and cries - i scream and cry - hmmm nah, lets not do that today, lets go in the garden with a bowl of water and make mudpies.

if your ds is screaming and crying and flailing around -you say mentally, hmmm is this really worth getting worked up about, or should i just go in the kitchen pour myself a drink of squash and start reading the newspaper until he's done.

becuase THAT is exactly what is needed - as soon as you ignore him - he will crave your attention - becuase mummy = power

you have all the power

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

I have to go out but wanted to try and help when I am back later this afternoon.

If you know me feel free to cat me.

[namechanger10]

Ds is 3. He's such an angry boy, so hard to communicate with. If I put him in his room he smashes his head on the door.
He pushes kids over at nursery on purpose, and sneaks their drawings off the table and screws them up. I've failed him.

I'm letting my dd down too, she had an orthodontist app today, and I couldn't even manage to get her there. Basic needs and I can't meet them.

They would be so much better off with someone else though, really thety would.

There's no one to help. My mum always very busy and tired.
Xh always busy too.

Feel like noone actually listens. I have no close friends as I spent years moving around with xh. but even if I did I'd be a rubbish friend even I don't want to be with myself.

Thankyou for replying I know i'm probably not making much sense i can't stop shaking

[AppleTreeWick]

Hullo

So sorry that you are feeling this way. You should certainly make an appointment with your GP (specify with the receptionist that you want a longer time with the GP than normal - they will book you in for two slots so you can take your time)

Also you might want to call the Mind Helpline or check their website www.mind.org.uk they have booklets on coping with depression to download and the helpline people would be able to search for what help groups are available in your local area (not just Mind ones they have details of lots of useful organisations and groups).

Mindinfoline 0845 766 0163

depression is very common - good luck though and well done for taking this step I realise it must have been hard to write the OP

[Tortington]

well the kid will have a sore head then, they learn eventually that banging head = sore head and not mummy

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

Not all methods of discipline work on all children.

I agree that the urgent matter here is to get help for yourself, then you can start to work on ways of dealing with your son with the aim in sight that he knows how to behave and does it as a matter of course.

It's true you have power and you also have the power to change all of your lives for the better.

[kizzie]

everything youve written shouts out depression.

I have had serious episodes of anxiety and depression since originally having PND 11 years ago (no previous history).

When i am well I have a very successful full time career and cope with home , children , life just fine.

When Im not - I cant manage to feed the cat never mind anything else. Looking after any child (not to mention one who is going through a challenging period) in those circumstances is like climbing everest.

Please be kind to yourself and see your GP etc.

I know at the moment it seems like there is no-one to help, but there is support available.

Hope things start to ease soon x

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

namechanger

I have felt like you do so many times and probably will again. I have felt I have failed my kids and they would be better off with someone else. My Dh has made me realise it just isn't true. Straight away my kids have something I never had - a mum - so anything else is a bonus for me as clearly they know no better.

You need to get yourself well so you can enjoy your children and enjoy your life.

Tomorrow I want you to phone the doctors and ask to see someone.

If you had migraines you would go for help. If you had a broken leg you would go for help. You have an illness. Please ask for help.

[menopausemad]

I started antidepressants because my crying and screaming was affecting my children (yes the opposite way round to you, or so it appears.....). I started about 18 months ago and do not regret it for an instant. I have tried to come off them and I deteriorated again, but have manged to stabilize at half a dose. I know how hard it is to make yourself go to the doctors I really do but it will be the best present you can give yourself and children ever.

When they are 'propping' you up (just like a crutch for a broken leg) then you can work out how to help your son. I promise.

But, I can't promise anything about the orthodontist appointments, middle child missed his on Wednesday because I forgot to take him! Unfortunately it was the second time in a row that I have done this so I am dreading ringing and trying to make another! What a turkey!!!

Finally - we will listen. Will check in later to see how you are.

[menopausemad]

Still here for you x

[namechanger10]

Thankyou all of you for your messages. I really appreciate them.

I'm feeling slightly calmer this morning (Ds woke at 5.45 rather than 5 which may have helped!)

I've kept him home with me this morning to try and take the pressure off both of us. Find his nursery a bit traumatic, I've been made to feel like a naughty school girl a lot of times there. And I put more pressure on DS to 'behave' there, which seems to make him worse, and doesn't help anyone...

Sorry I'm rambling!

Going to make an appointment to see my doc tomorrow, rang too late to get in today.

Thankyou again for listening- and thankyou menopausemad for making me feel better about the orthodontist, nice to know I'm not alone- it was DD's second appointment too!

[serajen]

Hey love, give your little boy a hug, tell him he IS a good boy, try to keep the calmness going and focus on your appointment tomorrow, it WILL get better

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Glad you are feeling a bit better.

Maybe consider leaving nursery?

[kizzie]

menopausemad - do you mind if i ask which ad you take a half dose of. Im still in the middle of trying to gte back on an even keel but in the past i seem to have done better on smaller rather than higher doses of AD's. Im just talking through different options with my dr at the moment.

Nanemchanger - really glad you feel a bit calmer today. Good idea to keep your little boy at home and give you both a break from the teacher. xx

[menopausemad]

Don't mind at all. Was on 20mg Citralopram, quickly increased to 40mg as was still pretty rough. Now managing on 20mg.

Namechanger - am keeping everything crossed you get some sleep again tonight, and make it to the doctors tomorrow. x

[kizzie]

thankyou - glad you are feeling well x

Namechanger - hope you get a good rest tonight x

[cestlavielife]

if there are incidents every day at nursery then nursery needs to take action with you to addres this - they can call in an educational psychologist for advice and strategies.

it may not be you - boys are more prone to behaviour disorders/bigger issues than jsust "behaviour". some kids bang heads but if he displaying extreme behaviour at home and school then tiem to call in some help from outside to observe and make suggestions and come up with strategies for both you and nursery to follow. dont take him out of nursery - you need that break...

[menopausemad]

Have you been to see the doctor? How did it go? Think advice re nursery is very good, but do think you need to be a little stronger with some medical help before sorting everything out.

[tinkletinklelittlestar]

Are there any other nurseries nearby? If it was me, I would try the eduactional psychologist route with the current nursery first.

Please get help for you. You matter. I did a couple of months ago and got counselling - I feel so much better. Sometimes talking to a person really helps as you can say things without prejudice.

[namechanger10]

Hello,

sorry I've been awol. I went to the doctor and she said I was most likely just run down. And her mum had 8 kids on her own.

Feeling lots calmer though, but in bad rut of staying in. I haven't taken DS to nursery, rang them the 1st day to say he wasn't coming in, but didn't call for the 3 other days, and now I'm scared to take him in in case they tell me off. Honestly what a wimp. I don't know whats wrong with me. I know he should be there though, not stuck here with me.

Thanks again for being there, I know othersare going through much tougher times themselves, so thankyou for listening x