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Cant bear to be on my own (long)

(13 Posts)
HappyMelP Sat 23-Jul-05 21:13:44

I am really desperate for some help.

I am Mel, 27 and I have a daughter aged 2. Until just over a year ago I was a single mum as my ex left me when I was 1st pregnant.
I met Phil (my dp) in June last year and we have been together ever since. He is great with my daughter and I love him to pieces. We moved in together at Christmas and we are really happy, except for one problem which is all down to me...

I cannot bear it when he goes out. He is not a major drinker or anything and when he goes out he tends just to go for a drive with his mate. He does not go very often because it causes so many problems at home (ie with me).

I hate it because he never tells me where they are going. "Just out for a drive" is what I get. Even when they get back he doesnt tell me. I believe that they have just been out for a drive but I get so paranoid.
When he is going out I get worked up about it all week long before he goes. The day he goes is unbearable... we argue constantly because i am in such a mood.
He has told me that he cannot go on living like this and me not letting him have a life. The thing is that I agree with him. I know I am out of order and that if he did it to me I would feel the same as he does.

Today (and all this week) I have tried REALLY hard to be ok with him when he said he is going out tonight. I tried so hard to be positive about it thinking "I will get a takeaway and enjoy some me time" but here I am sitting bawling my eyes out coz he is not here and I have no idea where he is or when he will be back. I hate the thought that he is out enjoying himself when I am sitting in with the TV and computer for company and my daughter asleep upstairs.

He has only been gone for 2 hours and I am not expecting him back before midnight and I know i will not be able to sleep. I know when he gets back we will argue and I know that tomorrow will be awful too.

It is all my fault we argue. Why can I not let him go out without feeling like this??? Sometimes he gives in and stays in to save the arguements but then he blames me for letting his friend down and we sit in silence all night.

I am so scared of losing him but I cant go on like this. I feel so alone and sad.

WideWebWitch Sat 23-Jul-05 21:17:18

"just going for a drive" is a bit of a weird thing to do imo. Does he mean 'off to smoke some dope' ? or something? I'd be peed off with this too - I mean, 'going to see a film' or 'going for dinner/drink' yes, but going for a drive? How exciting can a drive be? Hmm, sorry but an adult partnership sure each half of the couple can do their own thing to an extent but I wonder if it's what he's doing/potentially doing that's making you uneasy? Tell us more.

unicorn Sat 23-Jul-05 21:24:14

you are not 'letting him have a life?'
I'm really sorry, but what sort of a life does he want?
I personally would find it hard to trust anyone who just went out'for a drive' - and couldn't tell you where he'd been or what he was up to.

It doesn't sound like very grown-up behaviour.

I am sympathetic (even though I probably don't sound it) but please think about yourself in all of this.

HappyMelP Sat 23-Jul-05 21:25:31

He loves to drive. We live out in the sticks a bit and him and his mate go and drive and see where they end up.
He is a bus driver... his life is driving which is why he doesnt drink much. He loves his car. Infact we have just spent all bloomin afternoon cleaning the thing.
He doesnt smoke dope or anything. He cant abide drugs of any kind so I know that for sure.

unicorn Sat 23-Jul-05 21:29:29

just read your actual thread title properly...

Surely you don't mean that you cannot bear to be alone (at any cost?)
ie. are you compliant - allowing him to be disrespectful(in my opinion, that is what it is)- because, being alone is worse?

rickman Sat 23-Jul-05 21:29:51

Message withdrawn

HappyMelP Sat 23-Jul-05 21:34:25


What I meant was that I can not bear to be alone when he is out doing things. I find it hard to enjoy doing things without him and I feel incredibly guilty as I cannot give him ther personal space he needs

In the long term if a relationship is not working then I would get out. I hae been there before and I would rather be "alone" ie single than be unhappy.
What I mean here is that I cannot bear to be alone when he is out.

HappyMelP Sat 23-Jul-05 21:35:52


Maybe it is a bloke thing. I dont drive so maybe this is part of my frustration? I cannot just get in the car and feel free like he says

unicorn Sat 23-Jul-05 21:38:30

in which case you need to find your own thing to do .. what lights your candle?

Invite some pals around if you can't get out - have a girly night or whatever, but you need to find something that makes you happy... and that doesn't involve dp.

Nemo1977 Sat 23-Jul-05 21:38:33

aww hun i can understand how u feel although i do suffer from anxiety. MY dh has gone out with his mate for a meal and too pics so am home alone and ds [21mths] is in bed. I get quite nervous being home and also restless. I used to make up something to fight about so when dh went out i could usually stop him. Now i try and find myself something to do either by being on here or whatever does get easier hun but am not at the completely relaxed stage yet.

Nemo1977 Sat 23-Jul-05 21:42:02

About the going for a drive i can relate to that i like to go for a drive always have since i passed my test whether it be alone or with company...just sometimes getting out of the house is good...although now i hate going out..pmsl

HappyMelP Sat 23-Jul-05 21:43:07

Thanks Nemo. At least I am not the only one.

My problem is that all my friends live at least 20 miles away where I also work. Getting a babysitter is hard so if i do go out I have to rely on DP to have her. That in turn means I have to get a taxi home as he cant "go for a drive" to pick me up and the taxi alone costs £25.00!

Nemo1977 Sat 23-Jul-05 21:44:49

aww maybe next time ur dp is going out invite a few of the friends for least one should drive or if not then the taxi cost between them is alot cheaper

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