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where to begin

(9 Posts)
gettingthere Thu 21-Jul-05 23:11:23

I do feel fed up. I'm not depressed, so perhaps I shouldn't have posted here, but this is where I'm at. My ex-husband has just told me his girlfriend is pregnant. Obviously they are delighted and I have duly said congratulations. I don't feel emotional about it but I do feel quite irritated, possibly not rationally because of where it takes my children (3 children) and because I look occasionally at the step parenting topic, and most (not all) of the comments about birth mothers are extremely negative. I feel like I'm not "permitted" to have a point of view (or I am a resentful bitch) and basically unless I say oh that's absolutely wonderful, how delightful, don't worry about maintenance for a year or two, then I will be judged as having difficulty "coming to terms with it". In other words I feel like a second class citizen a lot of the time. I am not in a relationship, because I am not prepared to settle for the wrong relationship, and because the right one has simply not come along. If it does, that's great, but I doubt that is likely. I would value opinions of other mothers, including step-mothers please, but particularly those who understand where I am at

Aimsmum Thu 21-Jul-05 23:59:01

Message withdrawn

gettingthere Fri 22-Jul-05 07:17:01

Aimsmum - thankyou for your post and for your understanding. I think all mothers work hard, but unless someone has been a single parent for any period of time, it's hard to explain quite how tiring it can be! I certainly had no idea but helping with 3 sets of homework while cooking the tea and answering the phone isn't easy! I do enjoy it though

i wonder if the divorce documentation should require us to transform so that we promise to be the grinniest birth mother ever, to smile wisely at irritations including forgotten maintenance and changed access arrangements while of course pursuing many cultural activities and a gleaming house!

Thoughts?

spikeycat Fri 22-Jul-05 08:05:08

I am a step mum and now a mum myself, and it can be tricky from both sides I think. My sd's have definatly become MUCH more important (probably not the right word) to dp since our sons were born. He is paranoid about them feeling left out (which they never are). I have to say that sd's adore their brothers, although they were a little upset when there mum told them I was pg initially with my first son.

With regards to maintenance we have always been flexible, and were paying an extra £100 a month for over a year as his ex w had moved house and was struggling a little financially. So when we had fist ds we went back to the original agreement (I think it was about 350 a month).

Aimsmum Fri 22-Jul-05 11:08:27

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gettingthere Fri 22-Jul-05 21:14:43

hello both! have just got in from work. Thankyou for your posts. You're right - it's about how reliable/sensible the ex is. Mine has been variable on the money, largely reliable but demanding on the access (usually, but not always turns up on time, but often wants to change something or forgets what he has agreed). The problem for me, I think, is that he lied when we were married and continues to lie now, so there's no change and I don't trust him. What it took me some time to realise was that he is always going to be in our lives if I want the children to maintain a good relationship with their father - which I do. The bit which I find even harder is everyone's expectations that I should go and look for someone else, but when you've been in a bad relationship for a long time, in my case, anyway, this is the last thing on my mind! I've had 2 relationships since - 1 quite short, 1 longer, but never let anyone meet the children, but to be honest I've been relived when they ended (1 by me, 1 not). I'm pleased there are stepmums like Spikeycat who have such a positive approach, because it gives me a much more balanced view which is helpful.

Oh well - at least it's the weekend! Hugs all round!

Aimsmum Fri 22-Jul-05 21:19:59

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gettingthere Fri 22-Jul-05 21:38:03

Aimsmum - have a fab holiday. I've got a week off next week too - not going away but really looking forward to it. Will now chill out.....

MrsATeam Sat 23-Jul-05 01:13:54

Well you are not a second class citizen and nor should you think so.....I have have been a single mum....and in the position you are at present and after feeling sorry for myself which is totally natural I thought...well stuff you if that is how you want to live then I will live how I want to live. You are the mother YOU have a point of view do not get beaten down by it...yep maintenance is a long time coming..believe me I know but it does come..and the CSA will get him.....you will comes to terms with everything..I did although took some time.....and you are right not to settle for just anyone and you sound like you deserve someone wonderful and I realy hope you find him....I am sure you will...the right one will come along and knock you off your feet...so good luck and take care

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