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Other mums/women are better than me

(21 Posts)
mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 19:44:44

Hi

Does anyone else feel like this?

If i go to toddler group other mums just seems to know what to do/say better than me. They know how to handle tantrums better than me and how to make friends better than me.

Yes, i have low self esteem but i make myself go to these group because i feel dd will benefit from it. I try to make new friends from these groups but other women just don't seem to like me or seem able to relate to me or me relate to them.

I've just started a new job and in an office full of women. We are all the same age but i feel like a teenage girl amongst them. They all seem so self assured and confident and i'm like a blithering idiot.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself - other women just dont seem to like me. Dont get me wrong, i'm not blonde, beautiful and intelligent and so i know its not jealously or anything. I feel so dowdy, unconfident and generally nervous amongst other women.

Why?

marne Thu 21-Jul-05 19:53:26

I feel the same mandymoo,
I have always found men easier to get on with than other women, im not very confident and i am very nervous around other women apart from a few that i have known for a long time. I find it hard to talk to other mums as i think they are all beter than me.

ETsmum Thu 21-Jul-05 19:54:39

mandymoo: Just wanted to say I can relate to a lot of what you say......'fraid I can't post much at the mo as promised dh the computer

Other mums are not better than you.....remember for starters that you only see a small snapshot say of what they are like at toddler group etc....

Will try to post a bit more constructively tomorrow, but just try not to be too hard on yourself ok?

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:20:39

bump

spidermama Thu 21-Jul-05 20:25:45

I'm sure the vast majority of us feel this way sometimes. I know I do. I so often feel like the odd one out who's not doing as well as others.

When I feel like this my dh says to me, 'Who cares what they think of you. What do YOU think of THEM'?

There will be people who can relate to you, and those that can't are not really worth your bother. Friendships need to be mutual.

I need more friends. I shed a few when I left London. It's not easy is it? But I'll keep plugging away .... and for everything else, there's Mumsnet.

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:28:53

It doesnt help that they are all full time and i'm part time. There is also a 25yr old temp (we are all in out 30s) who they keep praising up and talking about and i just feel so inadequate

moondog Thu 21-Jul-05 20:30:06

Oh are they f* mandymoo!
Bless you,everyone feels a bit like this sometimes (including those who probably seem more confident than you.)
Do you know the poem (Stevie Smith)called 'Not waving but drowning'.
We're all drowning,just some more cheerfully than others.

Chin up girl, you're doing better than me if you're managing a toddler and a new job.

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:36:59

moondog, thanks!

Having a panicky "crap mum" "crap person" "crap wife" moment [sad}

I need to pull my socks up and get on with it i guess

lovecloud Thu 21-Jul-05 20:38:38

You need to find some nice mammies to be around who will cheer you up and give you confidence in yourself. To be honest I found most play groups to be filled with miserable fat moody clicky mums, I could not believe how unfriendly they were, I am a confident person but I cam away feeling self consious and miserable. Have to say i tried a few more until a found a couple of good ones.
Where do you live? You could come meet me and my friends, we all perk each other up when down and we can all be rubbish at tantrum controlling and speak rubbish most of the time but so what?

spidermama Thu 21-Jul-05 20:39:58

I love this passage of the Tao Te Ching.

Chapter 20 Vs 3

Other people are joyful
As if enjoying a banquet
As if climbing up to a terrace in spring.
I alone am inactive and uninvolved
Like an infant still unable to smile
Unattached like one with no place to go.
Other people are affluent.
I alone have nothing.
I am foolish and confused.
Ordinary people are bright.
I am dull.
Ordinary people are clever and self-assured.
I am dismal and subdued.
I am formless like the ocean.
I am shapeless and unbounded.
Other people pursue a goal.
I alone am mullish and awkward.
My desires differ from other people's.
I am sustained by the mother.


('the mother' is a standard euphemism for the Tao or 'creative force' or whatever you like to call it.)

spidermama Thu 21-Jul-05 20:42:50

I think part of the problem is that we're all going around thinking everybody dislikes us.

I find when I do take the plunge and ask someone for coffee, they nearly always say, 'yes' and I'm completely amazed.

moondog Thu 21-Jul-05 20:43:52

Yes,sm,we need to remind ourselves not to be overanalytical and introspective (frighteningly easy to do when one is a little low.)

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:44:29

Spidermama - am now crying into my ready cooked rice meal I love than poem

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:45:18

THAT poem

moondog Thu 21-Jul-05 20:45:31

Mandymoo....don't eat convenience food! That crap is bound to spiral one into depression!

spidermama Thu 21-Jul-05 20:49:08

...Moondog ... how do I make millet taste nice?

mandymoo Thu 21-Jul-05 20:49:42

Too late Moondog!!

moondog Thu 21-Jul-05 20:51:52

Well next time mandy,make something nice. Look after yourself,you deserve it!

mandymoo Fri 22-Jul-05 20:02:29

bump

Nightynight Fri 22-Jul-05 20:15:44

gosh mandy, can only say that you dont come across as at all inadequate from your mumsnet postings.

must say, I also find it v difficult to make friends. I thought I was better than when I was young, but it was only because I was married, so didnt have to go out into social situations. Im late thirties & divorced now, and STILL end up in crowds, as apparently the only person with no-one to talk to!

As for the other mums handling tantrums, well if you see a particularly good method, copy it! Then, next time, someone'll be envying you!

mandymoo Fri 22-Jul-05 20:38:38

nightynight - thanks for your reply. X

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