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Can't quite believe it..... but NEED to admit it to myself....

(63 Posts)
Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:16:04

....I think I have PND again. I am SO angry with myself!!!! Dd is nearly a year old and it only really started in the past month or so.... but then I don't know if its PND!

I don't know whether the fact that DH and I aren't getting along is causing this. Or is it the fact I have PND again that is causing the arguments??? Plus with all thats happening with my parents and having to work with my bastard of a Father I'm wondering if its just been caused by massive stresses in my life?

I don't know if I'm not coping because I'm depressed.... or if I'm depressed because of my circumstances IYKWIM.

Anyway.... symptoms are: Panic attacks whenever DH is narky with me. Hysterical crying (once or twice weekly). And the other day I sobbed for an hour in my bed after an argument with DH and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.... and not wake up.

I'm NOT suidical BTW!!! But I feel in so much pain and turmoil that it seemed at the time to be a nicer option.

DH is VERY short tempered as he is stressed out and seriously cannot handle the fact he will be in a management position soon. He takes it out on the family.

O h god I don't know whats going on!! But I know that I'm not 100% and I know that I've felt like this before..... and it lasted 18mths.

I'm so disppointed in myself after all the advice I give to people on MN about PND and depression.

I feel like a fool, but can't hide it anymore.

Nemo1977 Thu 21-Jul-05 12:19:03

hun dont be dissapointed..when i was diagnosed wiht depression after having my ds it was and still is the hardest thing i had to face because i was a ,mental health worker..i went to people and helped them to sort out their depression etc then to find myself in position of not being able to cope was unbearable. I feel tremendous guilt about it and get on at myself for not being able to cope which isnt right..still do this now 20mths on. Sometimes hun we are too hard on ourselves when really we need to share whats going on

WideWebWitch Thu 21-Jul-05 12:20:55

Hello poppet. Do the Edinburgh test (I'll find it for you in a min) and see what it says. Then make a drs appt pronto and go and get some anti depressants. There's NO shame in getting pnd, none at all, don't be disappointed in yourself, it's not fair on you! Re job, haven't you got a new one? Also not surprised you're unhappy if dh is constantly bad tempered and stroppy and also, remember it takes time to get used to having 2, it really does.

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:21:23

Thanks Nemo. I think that it may be because of the horrible situation I find myself in everyday when I'm at work... then I go home to a stressed/angry/volatle husband. Perhaps not post-pregnancy related at all. Its very hard for my to put things into perspective.

I am coping with the children fine. In fact they are one of the few things in my life that make me genuinely laugh and smile.

WideWebWitch Thu 21-Jul-05 12:21:36

And it might NOT be pnd, it might be life. But only you and your gp together can decide that really.

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:22:42

WWW - Thankfully I've only got another 2 weeks left of this before I start my new job. So I suppose I'm also kind of worried about that too. Its never nice being the new person on the block.

WideWebWitch Thu 21-Jul-05 12:22:45

Edinburgh test here

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:24:40

I scored 15.... perhaps a trip the the GP is best.

WideWebWitch Thu 21-Jul-05 12:24:50

Change is stressful for lots of people I know.

dejags Thu 21-Jul-05 12:24:57

Don't feel like a fool Toothache!

The onset of PND/Depression is not something you can control. You have no reason to feel angry with yourself.

Sometimes life deals us a crappy hand in terms of high stress levels and it's easy (if we are predisposed) to become depressed.

The key thing is that you recognise that there is something wrong. I can't give you advice on how to manage your particular set of stresses because I don't know you very well. Perhaps if you try to reduce/manage each thing which is stressing you, you might find your mood will lift. If not, you may need AD's in the short term to give you the kickstart you need.

One thing I will say is that even though I have been fairly ok for nearly four years, I still have really shit days. Most of them coincide with PMT and/or really stressful situations, they do pass on their own. Not suggesting that this is true in your case, but it's possible.

I suspect writing this post will make you feel slightly better, add a visit to your GP or a heartfelt chat with a good friend and you will find a clear path to sorting this out.

FWIW, I can totally relate to panic attacks, relationship spiralling out of control with DH, I went through it all after DS1 was born. CAT me if you need to.


katierocket Thu 21-Jul-05 12:25:37

oh toothache so sorry to hear this. Agree go to the GP, might counselling help to?

WideWebWitch Thu 21-Jul-05 12:25:52

Toothache, if you've given advice on pnd here I bet you'll have said at some point that taking something to make you better is a GOOD thing. Do make that appt.

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:27:48

I do need to practice what I preach!

DH and I were supposed to get relationship counselling but couldn't get anyone to watch the kids when they offered us an appointment. Now we're at the bottom of the list. We really are having problems.

bootsmonkey Thu 21-Jul-05 12:29:21

Don't feel disappointed in yourself - there is absolutely no basis for feeling this way and just feeds the downward spiral. It is good that you are aware of what is going on and your feelings. It is also very apparent that you do not want this to happen again. Could it be you are reading too deep into the 'signs'? Could you not just be dealing with huge amounts of stress, with new job, ignorant father (family is always a good trigger in my case!), you are probably taking on board all you DH's stresses too, which is natural. Take a deep breath and step back if possible. Ignore the thins you can't change (father) and try to resolve the things you can. It sounds like both you & DH are on the edge and dosn't take much to spark things off. It is easier to say than do, but try to let the niggly, stupid arguments pass you by. I also suffered from PND (and was inspired by your past threads on the subject and how closely your experiences resembled mine) I have just developed evil PMT for the first time in my life (DD now 3yo) and spend a fortnight out of the month weeping, shrieking and feeling completely out of control! It is unnerving and poor DH gets the brunt of it. Could it be PMT in your case?? It is all hormonal after all. I am taking Magnesium 30 & starflower supplements in an effort to stave it off and keeping a mood diary of what I eat, drink, sleep to try to spot the triggers.

Don't know if this helps, but there is always someone to speak to (HV, MN, doc, friend?) who should be able to help. You haven't failed in any respect. It annoys me more than anything how little control I actually have over my mind and body. Hormones win every time!

sorrel Thu 21-Jul-05 12:30:52

toothache- you are just brilliant for recognising something is wrong. You are doing the right thing by getting help.
best wishes

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:33:13

Bootsmonkey - I probably am reading into it too much.... its very difficult.

Nemo1977 Thu 21-Jul-05 12:34:12

toothache it doesnt sound like pnd i.e related to having baby etc but general depression..not that its really any different but they are good at classing it. With your relationship problems and change in work it is them that are stressing you out, as you would expect it to. It does sound like you would benefit from counselling, especially the relationship counselling but as you say childcare can be an issue. I hope you are able to find someone to mind kids so u can sort out the things that are bothering you.

bootsmonkey Thu 21-Jul-05 12:39:53

Having been there I would hate to go through it again too. But as WWW says it could also just be life, with alot of stresses happening at once. There is only so much we can put up with before something has to give. I am sure you will be watching yourself very closely, but I hope that things improve when you are in your new job, away from your father, your DH has started his new job and things have settled down a bit. I find being the breadwinner and responsible for all and sundry to be quite stressfull on its own. Add into that the all encompassing role of mother and everything that entails and there never seems to be much left over for me. Sometimes I could cry, sometimes I could walk away, but most of the time I take a deep breath, roll up my sleeves and get on with it, with a very large glass of wine!

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 12:45:06

Bootsmonkey... don't even get me STARTED on how much alcohol I've put away over the passed 4 wks!!! That can't be helping either. Ho hum...

batters Thu 21-Jul-05 12:46:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bootsmonkey Thu 21-Jul-05 12:46:39

No, it probably dosn't help in the long term, but who cares about that when you are just trying to get to the end of the day!!

Toothache Thu 21-Jul-05 14:23:47

Thanks everyone.
I know it's most likely to be a combination of: life, fear of PND and a bit of PMT thrown in to boot.

I just hate feeling so bleak.

littlerach Thu 21-Jul-05 14:46:21

Sorry to hear this, toothy, you always give such good advice to all.

Will your new job be a good change for you?

Big hugs to you, not long until first birthdays!

Meeely2 Thu 21-Jul-05 14:55:37

I took the edinburgh test, is 21 bad? I have apt next week with GP, fingers crossed it will go someway to sorting things out.

Toothache, ((((big hug)))), first step, GP, next step sit down with DH after kiddies in bed and talk things through, third step, glass of wine, last step early night with DH and lots of cuddles.....

hark at Meeely preaching! This time last week would have gone near DH with barge pole, but this week, wow, and all since we talked about us and a trip to docs and possible PND, it's like it's his way of showing he's supporting me without actually saying anything.

You know we're here

Sax Thu 21-Jul-05 15:05:19

OOOOooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooo I'm so so sorry Toothache - how absolutely horrid for you. I knew something must be up, you really haven't been yourself.
I am sorry I must have been so wrapped up to get out of you just how you are feeling.
Yes you should practise what you preach however when you are low and sad that is so much easier to write what to do than to do it i know!!!

Toothach, if you ever want to talk just download msn messenger for me, i'm here loads! far too much as you know.

Or email when you want to - I hope you get a pc sorted soon and then your contact is always there.

Please go and discuss things with your gp - its what you'd tell other to do if you were responding and i hate seeing you so you are just such a wonderful person.

You mustn't go beating yourself up about this, you've got added stresses in your life and it has all crept up on you by the sounds of it.

take care and i'll be checking up on you far more now.

Sax xxxxx

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