Anxiety and Routine Obsession

[fabulosa]

Hi

I have 2 children - DS1 (4) and DS2 (4 months). After having DS1 I suffered very severely with anxiety and depression. Had a lot of good treatment and have mostly been fine for a number of years now. I have the occasional return of anxiety but very rare. We knew we were taking a risk of it returning by having another child but decided that it was right for our family and went ahead. I'm not nearly as bad as I was last time but I am finding myself becoming increasingly dependent on the routine that I have with DS2 to keep the anxiety at bay.

He's being fed every 4 hours, so 4 feeds in the day and for the past 5 nights he's slept right through the night. I know that I should be happy and relaxed and enjoying him but I can't stop thinking about the need to keep him on this routine or 'something' bad will happen. I'm not sure what I think this is, perhaps it's just fear of the anxiety returning, but I'm getting very inflexible and tense. Today, DH suggested we go to a local museum that DS1 likes and feed DS2 there. I felt sick with worry about doing this, thinking that he's get too distracted to feed and then we'd be thrown out of the routine for the rest of the day.

I was like this with DS1 as well when he as a baby: the routine was completely immovable and became my crutch in getting through. I find looking after a baby very hard: it gets a lot better for me after the first year.

Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or support or what here. I've started a CBT course but only had one introductory session so far. I really hope it works and that I can get better from this. I've lived with it for such a long time I don't know what else there is any more or what other way there is to be. Is anyone else out there going through or gone through similar?

[NanaNina]

Hi Fab - think Saturday might not be a good day to post so that's maybe why you haven't have much response yet. It sounds like you are in a bit of an obsessive mode about "sticking to the routine" or something bad will happen as you say. Maybe you are a little anxious but this doesn't mean that it is going to escalate into something worse. Having a young baby is an anxious time so it's not so out of the way for you to be feeling like this. Please try not to worry yourself into thinking you are going to get more and more anxious because this willwork against you.

It seems the museum trip has thrown you into a bit of a panic today.........if it really is an ordeal, would your H take the older child and you stay at home with the baby.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing with CBT and I'm sure this will help you over time.

You sound like a lovely mom and things will get better as your baby gets older. I think looking after a young baby is stressful, and looking after a 4 year old, so be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself.

[fabulosa]

Thanks for your post Nana. We've just come back from the museum - all 4 of us went and I found it quite hard. The baby was fine for most of it but then started to cry. I tried to calm him by pushing him in the puschair as I felt worried about feeding him because it would put us out of the routine. I had to feed him in the end though, he had half a bottle and started to cry again when he was put back in the pushchair. We came away after that. He fell asleep in the car and I've put him into bed. I wonder if he might be having a growth spurt - he seems to get very sleepy and snacky when he's growing.

I couldn't stop looking at the toddlers being taken round the museum and wishing that he was out of the baby stage. I know it will get better, it just feels like a real struggle at the moment and i can't imagine how I'll ever reach that time! I wish I wasn't like this, I want to be able to enjoy the baby and enjoy being a mum to him but it just feels so hard at the moment.

[madmouse]

I know that this isn't the whole issue or even the main issue, but asking around my friends some love having babies, some don't come into their own as mums until their kids start talking. We are biologically wired to love, nurture and protect but not necessarily to like it or find it easy!

Sounds like you are doing really well - you DID go out and coped even though you found it hard.

[fabulosa]

You're absolutely right madmouse - I think I'm just not a 'baby' person. I love them once they become toddlers and beyond though: DS1 is the light of my life! At least this time round I know that it's going to get better, I just have to hang on in there! Sometimes it does just feel so hard though.

[NanaNina]

When I was a young mum to my first child, I found it very difficult even though I adored him. You saying your couldn't stop looking at toddlers in the museum took me back over 40 years............I used to stop and stare at children aged about 3 just to convince myself that babies did grow into small children!

Well done for getting to the museum. I think sometimes when we are anxious the thought of doing something seems like an ordeal and is worse than actually doing it.

Have you thought of keeping a diary just so you can track your progress and hopefully you will see that you are moving in the right direction as your baby grows.

[fabulosa]

A diary sounds like a good idea. I wrote down a few thoughts and feelings yesterday and did the same today (feeling much better) for my CBT session later in the week. Don't know if this is relevant but my period started today as well: I wonder if hormones are contributing to the anxiety. I came off the pill about 18 months ago and had a return of symptoms then so I think they might be. Things are definitely better than they were when he was first born. I just don't dare hope that this is an upward trajectory in case I have setbacks and end up feeling disappointed and angry with myself as well as anxious. Hopefully the CBT will help with that as well.